Page 106 of Cooper

“He’s never told me he loves me,” I say quietly. “And frankly, we’re supposed to be a couple. Couples share everything, both good and bad.”

“He loves you enough to want you to be safe.”

“Why does no one trust me to keep myself safe?” I demand.

“No one? Who is no one? You’re a Royal Protector. Like you said, it’s your job to put yourself in front of bullets to protect the royal family. And they trust you to do that. Every day. This is different. Apparently, it’s personal. And he doesn’t want you to get caught up in the crossfire. He didn’t leaveyou, he left his job and new friends. Because he doesn’t wantanyof you to be in unnecessary danger. Why are you being so stubborn about this?”

The truth is, I don’t know.

It just feels like I’m being coddled.

More likely, I still have PTSD about what happened to Logan, and the idea of Cooper being out there alone, no one having his back, terrifies me.

“I’m going to take Ryann back to my room so you can rest,” I say abruptly, standing up. “I’ll be back to take Greta to school and give the baby back.”

“I’d like to take Greta to school,” Lucianna says softly. “I haven’t done it yet. I haven’t met the teacher or anything.”

“Oh. Right. Of course. Then just text me when you’re ready and I’ll bring you the baby. Or you can come down to the morning security briefing to get her, and you can meet everyone.”

“I’d like that.” She nods. “And try not to stress, Natalia. He’s going to be okay.”

I wish I could believe that.

* * *

I’m grumpy all day,checking my phone incessantly to see if there’s news.

From Ryan, from Louie, from anyone.

And there’s been radio silence.

It’s eating at me.

Worry, anger, fear, too many emotions to properly navigate. That’s why I’m not sleeping. There just doesn’t seem to be anything I can do about it. Short-term, I can still function, but eventually the lack of sleep will make me dangerous, which I can’t afford to risk. At some point, I have to rest or I’ll become a liability to the team, and we’re too short-staffed for that.

I’m not ready to sleep yet, though, and since it’s only nine thirty at night, I go for a walk. Joe is doing the late shift in the surveillance room, which is from three until ten in the evening, so I wander in that direction. He probably wouldn’t mind company, and I don’t want to stare at the walls of my room.

“Hey.” He looks up with a smile. “How are you?”

I lift one shoulder. “I’ve been better.”

“Ryan’s tough,” he says knowingly. “He’s going to be okay. Besides, we’re working behind the scenes. There should be news soon.”

I still don’t know exactly what’s going on, and that’s what bothers me. It feels like everyone is playing their cards close to the vest, something that’s becoming a theme, and it makes me uncomfortable.

And Ryan should have talked to me before he left. I wish he trusted me enough to talk to me. Open up about what was going on instead of sneaking off like a thief in the night. My feelings should come first.

Except…I don’t know that I would afford him the same courtesy. If Sandor, or Erik, gave me specific instructions not to tell him something, I don’t know if I would.

There’s a part of me that doesn’t know how we can build a life together this way. I can’t be with a man who doesn’t trust me to be his equal. If he’s constantly trying to protect me, I’m eventually going to resent him. And if he doesn’t become a Protector, then there’s a chance he’s going to resent me.

Maybe that’s my insecurity talking, but I can’t help the way I feel.

I also don’t know if can go through this every time he’s out on a dangerous mission. The idea that he may not come back overwhelms me in a way I can’t explain. I know it has to do with what happened to Logan. Getting the phone call telling me he’d been shot multiple times, that he was in surgery, and then that he hadn’t made it.

It haunts me.

And now Ryan is in danger.

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