Page 15 of The Facade

People died at a younger age all the time. Why should it cause such a disruption to my psyche when death was just a part of living?

But I knew the answer.

It was because it wasmymom who was dying and not someone else’s. It wasmymom who was getting one day closer to never waking up again.

A feeling of dread filled me with those thoughts, and that “going crazy” feeling that I always got every time I thought about a future without my mom started creeping over me.

Suddenly, I couldn’t breathe. My chest tightened, as if something was pressing down on me.

“Mack?” Cambrielle’s voice sounded alarmed just as the edges of my vision turned black with the onset of another panic attack. “Are you okay?”

I shook my head and tried to catch a breath, but I couldn’t through the pressure in my chest.

Breathe.

Just breathe.

I bent over with my hands on my knees, hoping the panic attack would subside, but my vision just blurred more as the pounding in my head started.

I was going to die.

It felt like I was going to die.

“Mack?” Cambrielle’s voice was panicked. “What’s happening?”

“I can’t…breathe…” I said, clutching a hand to my chest. “I can’t…”

I closed my eyes, feeling my muscles go weak as I surrendered to the feeling taking over me.

“Mack!” Cambrielle stepped in front of me, grabbing my shoulders in her hands. “Tell me what’s going on. Are you having a heart attack? Do I need to call nine-one-one?”

“No,” I gasped, shaking my head. “…panic attack…” I let out a labored breath. “Just give me a…” I gulped some air. “…minute…”

I sighed again and focused on Cambrielle who was now smoothing her hand along my back in a soothing gesture.

“It’s okay,” she said in a gentle tone. “You’re going to be okay. Just breathe.”

I sucked in a deep lungful, and after a moment, the pounding sensation that had taken over my whole body subsided. My vision cleared and I no longer felt like I was going to die.

I lifted my eyes to Cambrielle’s worried face. “Sorry about that,” I said, slowly standing back up to my full height and leaning against her wall for support.

“Don’t be sorry,” she said, running her hand up and down my arm. “Are you going to be okay?”

“Yeah, I just need a minute.” I drew in a shaky breath, feeling wiped out and like I could take a nap.

Seeming to sense that I was indeed going to not die on her, Cambrielle patted my arm and then stepped back. She leaned against the side of her bed across from me so we were facing each other.

“Have you had a panic attack before?” she asked, her voice quiet as if afraid that if she spoke too loudly I might break.

I clenched my jaw and nodded. “A few.”

“Was it something I said that made it happen?” she asked. “Because you don’t have to tell my brothers about your sleepwalking if it’s that bad. I just thought they might be able to help you better than I can.”

I shook my head, and before she could worry she was at fault, I said, “It wasn’t that.” I bit my bottom lip. “I just started thinking about my mom and um…” Tears pricked at my eyes. I cleared my throat before my voice could wobble. “And my thoughts just went on this downward spiral.”

She nodded, like she understood the exact kind of thoughts that would trigger a panic attack in me. “I’m so sorry you have to worry about this. I wish I could just make everything better for you.”

I nodded solemnly. “Yeah, me too.”

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