Page 78 of Blood of Ancients

Chapter 21

Ravinica

I WAS GROWING WORRIEDabout too many things. It was starting to make me feel crazy. I knew our time beneath the academy was coming to an end as the blizzards abated, and soon we’d be aboveground in the fresh air.

Still, it felt like the walls were closing in around me.

My first week back in class, I ghosted through sessions without a brain in my head. I didn’t retain anything from my advanced classes—no battle tactics, no advanced runeshaping, no shipbuilding or alchemical concoctions—and my Hersirs were starting to notice.

I wasn’t the same diehard student I had been in my initiate year. Something had to break out andgive.

These depressive episodes were par for the course with me, given my rollercoaster existence. Dagny and Randi had seen it before. They did their best to stay by my side and assure me things were going to turn out okay, but I simply didn’t believe them.

I neededeverythingto turn out okay, which was pretty much a statistical impossibility. Losing control pained me. My thoughts were commanded by my mates, and if evenoneof them ended up harmed, exiled, or dead, I’d never recover.

I had become too dependent on my men, and didn’t know how to extricate myself from that feeling of helplessness around their situations.I don’twantto extricate myself from them. They’re the people I care about most here!

They were spending less time with me than I was used to. Part of that was my own demands that they stop focusing and worrying about me so much. Now that they had . . . well, shit, I wanted them back.

When my cadet year started, my mates immersed themselves in the game of Vikingrune Academy. The rivalries, politics, and mercilessness of it all.

Grim had his rivalry with Hersir Ingvus Jorthyr, who hated him and thought he belonged in a cage.

Sven had his family betrayal and deficiencies to worry himself with, which had been a welcome time away for me from his overbearing tendencies. I had a feeling his violent rampage was “Ravinica-adjacent,” and that he’d taken out his anger over Damon on his own family, or at least the Lanfens.

Arne had mentioned wanting to uproot the Lepers Who Leapt because of his sister’s betrayal that got Corym, me, and him caught by Huscarls. He had a vengeance streak of his own, but was much quieter and sneakier in accomplishing his goals than loud-ass Sven. Still, his situation wasalsorelated to me.

Magnus I worried the most for, because he had been gone two weeks now. He’d said his overland scouting mission was scheduled for a week. Gods only knew where he could be, but he controlled my thoughts and worries more than anyone else at the moment. Once he returned, he’d certainly get an earful from me.

Corym E’tar was locked away—again suffering from the consequences of helping me. It was difficult feeling this responsible for everyone’s woes.

At least Arne told me Corym was doing “okay.” I had to hope the iceshaper wasn’t just trying to make me feel better and fret less. I felt awful knowing the Ljosalfar warrior had been trapped in Midgard with people who hated him.

But there was nothing I could do about it, because Corym was incessant about helping me, whatever the personal cost to himself.

Only Grim had stayed by my side consistently since I’d ended up in Eir Wing Under. Randi, of course, was there for emotional support, and as someone I could yap with when no one else was around. Dagny was also there.

Yet it was Grim who was there for emotional andphysicalsupport, providing me with a bodyguard no one in their right mind would want to fuck with. Everyone who was anyone here knew I controlled the cards when it came to the bear shifter. I could essentially draw out his berserk rage on command, and that was a terrifying prospect for everyone.

I wished I didn’t need a bodyguard and escort. I had to toss aside my pride and allow Grim to fawn and watch over me, because we’d all seen what happened when I was left to my own devices.

Bad things.

Despite Grim being like a leashed protector, he wasn’t here now, in my dwelling room, and that allowed my mind to wander and my worries to come barging in.

When I got like this, I was almost incapable of lifting myself out of the moor. I needed outside assistance, and I had none right now.

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