Page 114 of The Lottery

“Oui,” Lana whispers to me, squeezing me even tighter. “If Marek gave his life to save you, we must accept that. It is the most heartbreaking story, but it has to be told if it is true. The truth will leave you wounded and raw, but it will then allow you to heal.”

I sit in silence, the only sound a trickle of water running under the ice and into the cave. I let myself hear Lana’s words, let them creep into my head and mix into my thoughts.

Then I scream.

* * *

I feel empty as Lana and Astrid each take one of my hands and guide me back to the truck. I cannot stop my tears, nor do I wish to. I want to cry forever. My heart will never heal from this. Not if what they’re saying is true.

Not if my Marek is gone.

For the briefest moment, I held pure joy in my hand. I felt it in my soul.

I started to grow it in my belly.

Then it was taken from me.

No one speaks on the drive back to the ship.

Once we arrive, I stumble away from the truck in a daze, Astrid and Lana at either side with my arms over their shoulders. They lead me back to my room where I fall into bed and wait for sleep to take me so I can awake from this nightmare.

If this isn’t a dream, then I’ll just wait for death to come.

This life is not one I care to live.

As I drift in and out of consciousness, my mind no longer lets me dream of Marek. The moment his visage appears, I toss and turn and wake up to find myself alone in our small suite.

His pillow is still indented from his head.

His scent is still in the air.

I run my fingers along the sheets, remembering how I used to feel his body against mine in this bed.

His warmth.

Now everything is ice.

Hours pass and I do not move or eat or drink. When I think to get up, a crippling weight lands upon my chest and holds me down.

I will stay in this bed until Marek finds me or I die.

I’m somewhere between asleep, awake, and dreaming, when I feel cold glass touch my lips. Water pours into my mouth and I swallow, my body’s needs winning out against my mind’s resistance.

When my eyes open, I see Lana sitting beside my bed, a plate of cheese, crackers, and dried fruit in her hand.

“Good morning,” she says sweetly.

“How long have I… has Declan gone in the cave?” I ask, trying to dig for the tiniest glimmer of hope that might still live in my heart.

Lana wipes her eyes and then puts her hand on my cheek. “You have been asleep for a while. We’ve all been worried. Please, eat.”

“What did Declan find?” I say more pointedly.

“Nothing,” she says. “He wants to look again when he can get more equipment, but he lowered a camera and just saw an empty cave.”

“Then Marek isn’t down there,” I say, sitting up quickly, a burst of energy I hadn’t expected rushing through my body. I was so afraid of finding his dead body in the cave, I hadn’t thought that he might be alive somewhere else. “Are people still searching? We need to look somewhere else.”

“My sweet girl…”

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