Page 83 of Devil's Thirst

“Where’d you get her?”

“Sante found some highly recommended breeder up in Poughkeepsie. You wouldn’t believe how much she cost.” An ache radiates through my chest at the reminder of how generous it was of Sante to get her for me.

“I was just having coffee—come sit with me and tell me how that’s all going.” She leads us to the kitchen, where she gets me a steaming mug with plenty of creamer, the way I like it. I keep Freya leashed at my side. Lina has a moment of indecision about Violet, but eventually decides to let her down. The toddler goes straight for the dog, of course, but I encourage her to be gentle, and Freya shows no signs of distress. After a minute, the opening credits start to run on the cartoon Vi has on TV, snagging her attention. She runs back to the living room, sees her breakfast on her big girl table and chairs, and completely forgets about the dog.

I look at my sister while she’s smiling proudly at her little girl. Lina’s such a great mother. She’s an awesome sister, too, and an all-around incredible woman.

I should have trusted her with the truth.

She could have handled it. I could have handled telling her. It would have been hard, but we could have gotten through it together.

There’s no time like the present.

Yeah, I know. Cut me some slack.

“Lina, I have something to tell you,” I say softly. “I should have told you from the beginning, but I didn’t want to cause you more pain when you’d already been through so much. And then the years went by … and there didn’t seem to be a reason to dredge up the past.” My gaze struggles to meet hers, finding solace in the swirling circles of creamer on the surface of my coffee. “I told you that I knew the name of the man waiting for me in that hotel room, and I did, but that wasn’t … the whole truth.”

When I steal a glance at my sister, her entire body has gone rigid, and ferocity intensifies her stare. She seems frozen in her unblinking state. A captive in a building she knows is about to come crashing down around her.

My chin begins to quiver, but not entirely because of the memories. My heart is aching most because of the pain I know I’m about to bring her.

“I told you I ran before he could touch me.I lied.” The last two words are hardly a whisper, barely more than a poorly formed breath. But it’s enough. The full impact of the truth barrels into her.

Her eyes slowly close, and her lips part on a broken exhale.

“Mellie Bellie, I’m so,sosorry,” she says before meeting my gaze with watery eyes.

“You did everything you could to protect me. You warned me Mom might try something awful.”

“I should have told you exactly what she’d done to me so you’d be prepared. I was too vague.”

I shake my head. “No, you can’t try to take the blame like that. That’s a big part of why I didn’t want to tell you. I knew as soon as it happened thatthatwas what you’d warned me about and if you knew, you’d blame yourself.”

She reaches over and takes my hand in hers, a tear running down her cheek. “She promised me you were never to be touched. She promised me.”

Lina allowed herself to be raped when she was only seventeen when our mother threatened to substitute my six-year-old self if Lina refused. She sacrificed herself for me. I only found out the truth after I ran away to my sister—after I’d been raped, too. Knowing what she’d done secured in my mind that lying to her had been the right thing to do. How awful to know you voluntarily suffered something so horrendous … all for nothing.

“You paid the ultimate price for me—a piece of your soul—and I have no words to express the depth of my gratitude. You have been more of a mother to me than she ever was.” I have to swallow back the emotions threatening to steal my voice in order to continue. “I told you I fought back and ran because that was what I wished I’d done. That would have been worthy of you and the incredible example of strength you’ve shown. But, I didn’t fight. I let it happen, Lina, and I’ve been so ashamed of that.”

A sob breaks free, though I keep it as quiet as I can, not wanting to traumatize little Violet. Lina is up in a heartbeat, and then we’re locked in an embrace of shared pain and solidarity. We bleed tears of sorrow for one another, cathartic tears that seep into that years-old festering wound in my heart and finally starts the healing.

“Huggies!” Violet cries out before throwing her arms around our legs to join in.

The joy of innocence turns our tears to laughter. We pull away and wipe our faces. Vi takes her cue to run back to the living room for another bite of banana.

We sit back down at the table and collect ourselves, taking sips from our mugs.

“I’m glad you told me,” Lina says softly, “but why now? Has something happened in they guys’ hunt for Talbot?”

My blossoming relief withers back to solemnity. “I think so. Last night, Sante came home really upset. He said something about families lying to one another leading to people making bad choices. He couldn’t even look at me. I realized that in searching for tapes of you, they could have found a tape of me, too. I never even considered it might exist, but why not? That way, Talbot could relive the experience over and over,” I say with disgust.

“He couldn’t look at you?” Lina balks, her face contorted in disgust.

I shake my head. “He was there for a few minutes, lashed out, then left. He never came back,” I whisper. “I think it made him reconsider our relationship. I’ve struggled with … intimacy. I haven’t ever actually had sex since the rape.” The admission is embarrassing. I know it shouldn’t be, but it is what it is. “I’ve done other stuff, but when it comes to that part, I panic. I think he put it together and realized I’m more of a mess than he’s prepared to take on.”

She rises from her chair like a vengeful goddess, the kitchen lights even casting a glowing halo around her golden-blond hair.

“Fuck.Him,” she decrees with a pointed finger and a lifetime of wrath.

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