Page 2 of August's Angst

“As good as can be expected. I would be a basket case if it weren't for you.” Kissing his cheek, I snuggle into his chest, waiting for the crowd to die to make our way to the parking lot.

“They would both be so happy for us, baby, you know that right? They would have loved knowing we are going to school together and living in an apartment. They wanted that for us. They wanted us to be happy.” I put my head on his neck and kiss him once more for reminding me.

“You’re right. They would be.”

“So what do you say, baby? Are you ready to start the next chapter?” I take a second to look around and say a silent thanks to the woman who encouraged me, loved me and fought for me as long as she could. I let a lone tear fall, and then I look at the love of my life and nod my head.

“Let’s do it, babe. Let’s go start a new life.”

Present Day

I look at my watch for the hundredth time and follow it up with a peek at her clock. I have been waiting for about an hour, and as each minute ticks by, I know it is not good news. I mean, how can it be? It doesn’t take an hour to tell someone good news.

Another five minutes pass, and then the doctor comes in. “Miss Henreigh. My look how you’ve grown.” She says, projecting a calm demeanor, which I suppose is good for a patient about to be told their life is changing, but having been here for a few of my mom's times, it doesn’t work for me.

“Dr. Rogers. I am assuming it is not good news.” Might as well rip the band-aid off.

“Well, it is not great news, but it is encouraging news.” She pauses, expecting me to say something, but I am waiting for the boom to drop. “You have stage 1 cervical cancer my dear.” Oh God. Water rushes into my ears, and the noise is blotted out. I hear nothing but rushing waves and calm air, and then, over the horizon, I see something threatening my peace, which snaps me out of it. “August, did you hear me?” I blink a few times to drown out her words again, but it is no use. “Miss Henreigh can I get you something?” Shaking my head, I clear my throat.

“No. No, I’m fine. Um, so what now?”

“Well, now we make a plan and get you scheduled for chemo.” Jesus. My mind goes back to my mom in treatment, her lack of energy, her pretend smiles, and her false bravado. “How does that sound?” I am trying not to let the tears form, but it is a battle I will soon lose.

Oh God, Declan. My Dec, how is he going to make it through this? Another woman in his life afflicted with this life-sucking illness? I can’t tell him. I can’t subject him to this again, watching me waste away. He barely made it with his mom. This might push him over the edge. It could kill him. He might not make it through it. Hell, I guess it doesn’t matter.

I probably won’t either.

PROLOGUE

DECLAN

Mom was always sick.She had been in and out of the hospital since Mickey was born. It was skin cancer. It went away. Soon after, it came back; it began a cycle of remission and return that took a toll on her. My normally happy mother was often sick and crying. I did my best as the oldest to make her happy, but most days, I failed. There was a three-year remission while I was in high school, where everything seemed to be back to normal. It wasn’t. She just got better at hiding it. When she died, I had August to help me through it. When her own mother died, I was there for her just like she was for me. There is nothing I wouldn’t do for her. Nothing. She is my rock. I love her more than I ever thought it was possible to love someone. I met her at thirteen, and I’ve never so much as looked at another woman. She is my first and last everything.

THREE MONTHS AGO

Dad is an idiot, I think, for the hundredth time today. He called me again to remind me about Bobby’s birthday party tonight as if I didn’t know my own brother’s birthday. Last night, hegathered my two brothers and me for dinner at my mother’s favorite restaurant. We haven’t been since before she got sick the second time. He asked for our opinions on him asking Sarah, his girlfriend of two years, to marry him. What could we possibly say to that? No, Dad. Don’t be happy… Mom’s barely cold in her grave, alright. It’s been four years, and I’m a grown man, but still. I just bought August an engagement ring last week and was planning to propose soon, but I’ll wait now. I don’t want to step on anyone’s toes.

Speaking of August, I met her at a time in my life when I didn’t know my head from my ass. My mother had me join a support group for the families of cancer patients. Our entire family joined. I was instantly in love with her. I was born to worship her; I know that now. That feeling, despite the bleakness of the support group, changed me. It changed my life forever.

Instead of going to college, I opened my own construction company. I knew more schooling wouldn’t be for me. I had many absences helping my mom, and I barely survived. Because of that, I decided I needed a trade. Every summer since eighth grade, I worked for another company in Boston. I learned everything they taught me and applied it to my own company. It’s still fledgling, but I’ve finally started to make some money. August put herself through college and dreams of being a teacher. I’d do anything to make that happen for her.

Now that our mothers are gone, we have both been lost. Together, we’ll make it through.

CHAPTER 1

AUGUST

TWO MONTHS LATER

I never thoughtI would be living like this two months ago if someone had asked. Two months ago I had just graduated with my bachelor’s degree in education looking forward to becoming a teacher and Declan and I had just bought a house. It's a tiny two-bedroom cottage, with a picturesque white picket fence. It’s cliche but perfect for us and it is in West Roxbury which is where we wanted to live.

It's funny how time flies and changes so rapidly you almost get whiplash. Here I am, standing over a toilet alone, heaving up the contents of the little I have managed to eat in the last few weeks, thinking god that Declan construction job keeps him busy during the day when my nausea is at its worst.

The biggest obstacle so far hasn’t been hiding the sickness but more so putting on everything else. Like sex. I have no libido at this current time in my life and it freaking sucks. I miss everything about sex with Declan. The weight of him on top of me, the feeling when he fills me up and makes me cry because sometimes the pain is too much but most of all, I miss the connection. The hardest part is when he tries to initiate it,and I have to make up some excuse why we can’t. I know he is suspicious and frustrated, heck I am too.

“Crap.” I cry, looking at myself in the mirror. I look like death. Huh. That's ironic. Declan has asked me on occasion if everything was alright. He has mentioned how pale I am and how skinny I am becoming, but I shrug it off and equate it to all the walking I have been doing around town. “Shoot.” My phone is ringing. “Great.” It's my little sister Connie.

“August, hi,” she says in her annoyingly cheerful voice. Okay maybe it is not annoying, but it feels like it right now with my miserable existence.

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