Page 40 of Troy

Fuck! I’m so occupied by this I hadn’t noticed him leave. I always feel it when he moves. How did I not notice?

“I didn’t see; you’ve had me so wrapped up in this, I didn’t even notice my boyfriend leave. I think we’d better leave it for now, Mase. We’ll come in to your office on Monday, I think he’ll feel better taking this out of his home.” I feel itchy, desperate to get to him.

“That’s a good idea, I need to get home, too. Don’t spend the weekend dwelling on this; we have him by the balls and he and his team know it. He will go down for this, Raff. Let me do my job and win.” Mason gathers his notes and paperwork, placing them neatly back in the folder they came from.

After saying a quick goodbye, I lock the front door and eye my brother, “he’s regretting this, isn’t he?” Corrigan’s words carve through me.

“Leave Troy to me, Corr.” I have a temper, but only because I’m furious with myself. “How did I not notice him leave? I’m so aware of his every breath, let alone movement.” I shake my head and go in search of my man. Taking the stairs three at a time, I fly down the hallway to our room. He’s not here, or in the bathroom. I thought he may be taking a shower but, no. Back downstairs, I search the other rooms, finding them empty. Then Boss comes in from the garden and I remember locating him down there, thinking things through, once before.

Why do I feel hesitant approaching him? I feel the angst erupting from him, I can tell he doesn’t want me here. What I don’t know is, why? What have I done to push him away? But I see the tension in his body as his spine straightens and head lifts back off the wall, yet he doesn’t look around.

“Troy?” My voice croaks, giving away my nerves. I swallow audibly before saying his name again, “Troy, baby, are you okay?”

As he slowly turns to face me, his head last to move, the look of desolation that mars his beautiful face knocks the shit out of me. “Baby, talk to me. Is it me? Have I done something wrong?”

The snigger of derision pierces my heart; of course, it’s something I’ve done. I exposed him to a brutal beating that nearly killed him and now he must relive it, confront the man who did this to him.

“Of course, I have. I wish I could turn back the clock. I wish I had stayed with you or invited you up with me. I go through what I could have done—what I should have done—to keep you safe, every waking minute and every painful dream. What can I do to make it easier for you? Anything, I’ll do anything.” Anything but leave him. I will never leave him; I keep these thoughts to myself.

“You need to give me some space, I want to be left alone for a while. There is so much shit about to go down, Rafferty, shit that is going to change me; it’s going to alter who I think I am and who I was planning to be. I don’t want this, Raff; I don’t want any of it.”

Troy bows his head, inhaling deeply before exhaling loudly, almost as if he’s in pain. Which, I suppose, he is. Then he looks at me again, his eyelids lifting slowly, fixing me with a sorrowful stare. “It’s going to change us, and what we would have been; I need to work out and understand if it’s a change we will survive.”

“Troy, I can give you space, but I am not leaving you alone, I can’t.” Taking another step towards him, Troy doesn’t move but he doesn’t relax either. “I’m not going to let anything change, Troy; we know what we have is real and we know it’s everlasting. This is going to be difficult, I hate that you are turning away from me rather than to me. I’m confused, I’m hurting and I need you to help me. Don’t close off, Troy, don’t lock away your feelings.”

“Even if my feelings want to lash out at you? Even if I want to blame you? Even if I decide I can’t go through with the trial? Or with you? Do you still want me then?” Troy shouts, his eyes blazing and his hands balled into fists. Moving closer to me, I instinctively step back and close my eyes in anticipation of the blow.

The fury and anger building inside him since he left hospital is finally showing itself and it shocks him. Troy slumps, leaving me no choice but to reach out and capture him before he falls to the ground.

“I will always want you, baby. I was made for you, Troy, and only you.” I wrap my arms around him, holding his tense, fraught body close to mine. “I love you, Troy, and that will never go away.” I murmur into his hair. I only get a few moments of closeness before I feel Troy’s body stir and pull away from me.

“I need to shower and get some sleep. I will see you in the morning, Rafferty.” Troy makes eye contact as he untangles himself and stands up.

Springing to my feet, I step into his path, “I don’t think so, Troy. We go to bed together, in the same bed. I will give you space, I will let you work out the troubles in your head but I will not go to sleep without you next to me. That is never going to happen.” I step aside again to let him pass, which he does without another word or glance, then follow him.

Corrigan has gone up to his room, it seems. I’m sure he’s got plenty to think about tonight, too. I watch Troy wearily climb the staircase and feel relieved when he turns to enter our room. I wish I could ease his worries and fears but I can’t, the same way I couldn’t take away his pain as he recovered from his terrible injuries.

Standing at the entrance to our room, I hesitate he trudges into the bathroom, undressing as he goes. The plaid shirt drops to the floor first, followed by the plain white T-shirt. I trail him but halt at the end of our bed, observing as he discards his jeans, leaving him in his tight, white briefs. I want to hold him, I want to take it all away, all his sadness and confusion.

Then Troy lifts his head and spots me. I can’t help but bite down on my bottom lip when his thumbs slide under his waistband, ready to drop his underwear to the floor. His eyes flare as mine follow the path of his hands lower them and he steps out. Walking to the shower, he no longer looks at me.

For the first time, I’m at a loss. Was that last glimpse a come-on, or an apology? Only one way to find out. Quickly getting rid of my clothes, I stride confidently into the bathroom to find Troy on the floor of the shower, his arms wrapped over his head. My heart breaks as I go to him, shattering when he speaks.

“Leave me alone, Raff. Just for now, please, just leave me alone.” The pain and bleakness in his voice cuts me deeply but I retrace my path.

As I climb into bed, I hear the shower click off but there’s no movement from Troy. Is he planning on coming out of there any time soon? I try to relax but my mind races, trying to think of a way to comfort him, to explain that it will all be okay.

It’s a few more minutes until Troy plods back through, still toweling off his hair while another towel wraps around his waist. The sight of his firm, lithe, and tanned skin sets my heart beating faster even though I know I’m not going to touch him tonight. Not unless he asks me. I regard him silently as he pulls on a pair of sleep shorts, something he hasn’t done with me; we always sleep naked, always wrapped around each other. Sleep is going to be a long time coming for me, I only hope it is quick for Troy. Let this day be over, let him be ready to face his demons with me, tomorrow.

The bed dips as Troy climbs in next to me, then turns onto his side and curls up in a fetal position. My desire to wrap myself around him grows so much I can feel a hitch in my throat as my emotions build and boil inside my tense body, laying rigidly next to him. Hurting for him, I resign myself to a long night’s vigil.

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