Page 27 of Mistletoe Misconduct

My hand lands on her wrist, squeezing it gently as she cradles my cheek in her palm. I rub small circles along her pulse, allowing the strong, steady beat to soothe me.

A tight band of pain feels like it’s wrapped around my forehead, and there’s a pounding in my temples.

“I hadn’t heard from her in a couple of days, so I went to check in on her and found her in her trailer. It was filled with trash and rotting food. She looked and smelled like she hadn’t showered in weeks and couldn’t form coherent sentences.”

Lea nods, not saying anything as she allows me time to find my words.

“She was past the point of my help, so I had to have her admitted to an inpatient psychiatric hospital. She didn’t go willingly, so the doctor who saw her in the ER had to petition for a fifty-one fifty, which is an involuntary psychiatric hold forup to one hundred and twenty hours. It means that she can’t just check herself out of the hospital because she’s considered a danger to herself or others right now.”

Lea trails her hand down the side of my neck, resting it in my lap and giving my thigh a squeeze. “I’m so sorry, Kai,” she says, her voice cracking on a watery sound. “I can’t possibly imagine how difficult that must’ve been for you to see her like that. You did the right thing for her, but sometimes that’s so hard,” she says, grasping my hand and bringing it to her mouth to press a gentle kiss to my palm.

My heart cracks wide open.

“It’s really fucking hard,” I say, and the admission has tears freely flowing.

As a Black man in America, especially playing a predominantly white sport, I usually feel like I have to bottle things up. I don’t feel safe expressing a full range of emotions for fear of judgment or worse, so sitting here with Lea, feeling completely safe to do so—it has a lot of things stirring in my chest. Many of which I'm unfamiliar with.

Chapter eighteen

Lea

Sitting with Kai as he admits things I’d have never guessed about him has a strange sensation of gratitude settling in my gut.

The fact that he feels comfortable enough with me to allow me to see this side of him is something I won’t take for granted.

My eyes feel misty, and my lip wobbles as I try to hold myself together.

This isn’t about me.

I wouldn’t dare do anything to make this moment aboutme.

“Do you have any idea how long it’ll be before she’s out? Maybe I can help you get things at her trailer settled so she’s ready to come home when she’s better?”

He gives me a tight smile that doesn’t reach his eyes. “I don’t know how long it’ll be, but I’d appreciate that,” he says, his voice impossibly small when he speaks those last words.

“Whatever you need, just tell me, okay?”

He nods, wrapping his arms around my waist and hoisting me into his lap. I melt into him, trailing my hands up his chest and around his neck.

“I’m scared,” he whispers. His chin is trembling, and I feel his body shaking around me.

I tuck myself firmly against him, trying to ground his body with my own.

“She’s getting the help she needs, and that’s because ofyou, Kai.”

“I just”— he shakes his head—“I don’t want to end up like her, Lea,” he says, his voice breaking on a near-sob as he tucks his face into the side of my neck. The wetness from his tears is slick on my throat, and it’s like a punch to the gut to see this strong, capable, confident man so upset.

“You won’t, Kai,” I tell him, projecting as much confidence as I can muster into my voice as I stroke his short, coarse hair.

“You can’t know that, Lea,” he breathes. “I worry every damn day that I’ll forget a dose of my meds or that I won’t be able to afford them and I’ll slowly start to lose my mind.”

“I hear you,” I whisper. “I do, but let’s just take it one day at a time, okay?”

He nods, unspeaking, as we sit here in silence until the sun has set and the living room of our tiny apartment is cloaked in darkness.

Chapter nineteen

Lea

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