Page 34 of The Holiday Fail

There was no doubt he was a man, so I couldn’t even usethat excuse to explain why I’d been so turned on by him or why I was freaking out so much about this.

I had plenty of friends in New York who were gay, bi, and any other variation of the rainbow. Being anything but hetero was practically the norm in the big city, but I guessed I never thought I would be attracted to a man when I didn’t feel any particular way after that one kiss with my coworker.

But kissing Levi was on a whole other level than that awkward kiss had been. It was a kiss I melted into,cravedmore of, more of him. And as soon as I’d realized that, I pulled back. I had to.

It was a whole complexity of emotions that I had a hard time navigating, so I called up my best friend.

There were a couple of hours before I needed to head to the B&B to start the breakfast shift and Levi wasn’t home, so now was the perfect time to talk to someone to work out what I was going through.

Casey picked up on the first ring, despite it being early enough for the chickens not to be up yet. “Hey, man,” he answered, sounding too chipper for someone who’d just gotten up. Sometimes I wondered if the man ever slept. “How’s the small-town life treating you?”

I laughed. It was nice to hear his voice for the first time since I’d arrived. We weren’t the type of friends who kept up with our day-to-day life, but I knew Casey was someone I could count on the day he’d stood up for me against our manager back when I was bussing and Casey was waiting tables.

We’d only worked together for a year before he quit and got a degree in culinary arts, but we’d kept in touch and ended up getting closer than when wehadworked together.

“It’s so slow here, but I’m starting to see the appeal in that.”

“Oh shit. Is our boy converting? Don’t tell me you’releaving me and the big city behind to live in that farm town,” Casey joked.

“Fuck you. It may be a small town, but there’s no farming being done around these parts…at least I don’t think,” I said with a laugh.

Casey chuckled too. “So, what’s up? Did something happen?” he asked.

“Maybe I just wanted to call and see how my best friend’s been doing?” I retorted, though I knew he wouldn’t buy that bullshit, and I was proven right with his snort in reply.

We were never the type of friends to call to check up on each other. It was usually through text or we’d make plans to hang out.

I blew out a breath of air, knowing it was pointless to keep delaying, especially when I’d called Casey to talk about this. But the feelings were already confusing without saying them out loud, and I felt like if I did speak them aloud, it’d make them all too real.

So, I started with the facts that couldn’t be denied. “I kissed a guy.”

“No shit? Wow, good for you, man,” Casey replied with a laugh. I wasn’t afraid of telling him because I knew he wouldn’t judge me. Casey was a free-love type of guy and didn’t discriminate who he dated based on gender. “So I’m guessing if you’re calling me, that means you liked it a lot more than you thought you would, huh? More than that one time with the hot mustache dude?”

Mustache dude was the coworker I’d drunkenly kissed that one time and had told Casey about. He’d teased me about being so picky since hot mustache dude was a ‘solid ten’ in his words.

“Yeah, I did,” I answered. It felt almost relieving to admit it out loud for the first time. “I did. A lot.”

He replied with another lighthearted laugh. “Congrats! Welcome to the rainbow,” he teased. “I’m guessing you like the guy, so what’s the issue? Wait, if he’s underage, andthat’swhy you’re all twisted up about this, then I don’t want to know. I don’t condone that shit.”

“What? Fuck, no! Levi’s my age, man. Do you really think I’d do something like that?” I said with horror.

“Just gotta make sure,” Casey replied, sounding light-hearted again. “So he’s legal, you’re legal…what’s the problem?”

“The problem is, I don’t have time for this. The six months here are supposed to focus on advancing my career, making a name for myself. This is not the time to be discovering my sexuality and…and the guy’s my boss and I live with him.” My voice went quieter at the last part.

Casey barked out a laugh, and I could practically hear him shaking his head. “You never do things the easy way, do you?”

“My life started in hard mode. Figured I may as well keep it up,” I joked, but Casey didn’t laugh.

He was quiet for a moment before saying, “Andy, you know you don’t need to prove anything to anyone. You can let yourself be happy. Youdeserveto be happy.”

His words settled in the silence. It wasn’t the first time he’d told me this, and I gave him the same answer as I always did. “I’ll be happy in my penthouse, drinking to all the awards I’ve won and reading about myself in those prestigious magazines.”

I didn’t need to be a mind reader to know that Casey was shaking his head again. “Well, obviously something has changed if you’re calling me about some person you had a fling with. How long have we known each other? And not once have you ever questioned being with someone. So I have to ask, why now? Why him?”

I thought about Casey’s question. It was true. I’d never been so conflicted about someone before. In the past, if I was interested in them, I’d go for it. And if being with themconflicted with my interest, then it was never a hardship to end things.

But with Levi…

---