Page 71 of Plum

And I feel like such a fucking fool. This whole time, I’m wondering if she feels this thing between us, this strange affinity. And I delude myself that she must. She lets me in her house. She cums so sweetly on my cock. And if she doesn’t feel what I feel yet, it doesn’t matter. She’ll open up with time. Patience. Care. And if she doesn’t, I can love her enough for both of us.

But can I?

I can walk away from Wade-Allyn. My family. I could give up everything for her.

And I could be left wondering every day for the rest of my life whether I gave up everything for a woman who could never feel the way I do.

I take out my phone and pull up her number. I crave her voice. I want to let the rush that I feel every time we speak reassure me that I’m not crazy. My finger hovers above the key. I can hear how the conversation would go. My muscles unknotting. Her salty teasing. At the end, I’d say I love you. And she’d say goodbye.

My email chirps. I reach for my mouse. Later. I’ll call later. When I’m steady. When this sick roiling in my gut subsides. When I’ve figured this shit out, and when I can hear her voice without my heart bleeding in my chest.

CHAPTER 10

PLUM

Adam hasn’t called once this week. He texted one time that he’s busy. Some merger, and there’s a charity thing he has to do with his mother this weekend, so he won’t be down. I called him. Twice. I didn’t leave a message, but he didn’t return the calls.

So I guess that’s that. I can take a fucking hint.

You know what else? I learned something. The main reason not to let a man in your house? The way it feels when he’s gone.

Last night—Friday night—I went down to the basement, and I took out the bottle of wine from behind the paint cans. I had a corkscrew in my hand, and I was about to open it, drink the whole damn thing. I almost did. But then I sat my ass down on the cold bottom stair and had a think.

I spent my entire childhood watching my mother beg one man after another to love her, tie herself in knots for them, reorder our whole lives, move in on a Monday, move out on a Sunday. I watched her poison herself after they left or put us out, and I thought howstupidshe was to do their dirty work for them.

Now, I don’t think she was trying to destroy herself. I think she was tryin’ to get numb. Save herself. ‘Cause this? This fuckinghurts.

She believed their words. The gifts. Every time, she believed. I thought I was immune. Like I’d been vaccinated by her stupid. This hard, spiked, stabbing pain in my chest says I’m not. It’s a raw, awful hurt. The kind of hurt that drags you down, drowns you.

I ain’t going out like that.

This morning I dragged myself into the shower. I made myself blow dry my hair and put on mascara and eyeliner. Then I drove myself down to the clubhouse. I had some work to give Deb, but after, I stayed.

I haven’t been around in a while, so I been gettin’ my ear bent all day. Ernestine told me how she put Grinder out again. Grinder bitched about how Ernestine don’t know how good she has it. Now, Creech is showing me some of his new work; he’s almost done with the piece on his thigh.

Creech can talk for hours if you let him, in circles that’ll make you dizzy. He’s got ADHD, and generally, he can’t keep on topic or stay in a seat for shit, which is why it’s amazing he can work on a tattoo for most of a day without moving.

“See this, Jo-Beth? It’s a Celtic knot, but look at it this way, yeah? Can you see it? Can you see it’s a snake?”

“That’s real cool.”

“You see it?” Creech thrusts his thigh higher so I can get a real good look. I also get a peek at his hairy balls through the gap of his Dickies shorts. Ugh.

“I see it. It’s like an ouroboros.”

“A what?”

“A snake biting its own tail.”

“What’s that called again?”

“An ouroboros.”

“You learn that word from Heavy?”

“Probably.”

Creech is the one who hooked me up with Steel Bones. I was in foster care after Mama died. He was crashing in the basement of the house. He was friends with their real son. The dad had a habit of coming in my room after everyone was asleep. He said if I didn’t say anything, I could have his son’s car when they bought him a new one for graduation.

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