Page 39 of It Takes Three To Tango

But worst of all, my head feels like it’s full of knotted yarn. I can’t seem to unravel it.

Going outside to try to clear my mind last night didn’t work, either. I just ended up kissing Constantin. Urgh, no, that’s not fair to him. I made the decision to do it. But that’s when it got more complicated. For me, at least. Rafe seems to think this is easy, that somehow the three of us are going to work out. But it’s not that simple, life never is. It’s messy and complex. Actually, he didn’t say that. He said he’d like to try, which comes down to the feeling that I don’t know what’s going to happen, andthat’sthe real problem here. The not knowing, it’s twisting my insides like they’re on a spin cycle.

I’ve always flirted around anything more serious than one night. Two would be a rarity. But I hadn’t even kissed Rafe and I knew he was special, someone I wanted a chance with.And then there’s Constantin. I loved how my body responded to him, so that’s confusing the hell out of me. Perhaps it’s just pent-up frustration. I haven’t had sex for a while, after all, much longer than I’m used to. But no, I’m not sure I can use that excuse. Even kissing Constantin feels different, I can’t define it, but it’s like he needs us too. Messy and complex.

So, who am I doing this for? For Rafe, for Constantin, or myself?

I’m not sure I have the answer, or that it is straightforward, but not having a clear picture of what’s going on is eating me up.

I think we all need to have a talk.

I feel better that I’ve at least made one decision and go in search of the others.

I find Rafe in the kitchen, making pancakes. Or rather, making a mess. He appears to have got flour and batter all over the counter. He spins around when I enter and looks so happy to see me that my heart starts a cadenza in my chest. The effect settles my stomach a little as I walk over to him.

“Hola,”he says and steps close, so close I can smell his citrus and vanilla scent. He places a hand on my hip and it’s all the encouragement I need to kiss him gently.

“Good morning,” I say as he releases me and turns back to the stove.

“I’m making breakfast,” he says, flipping a pancake in the pan.

“I think we need to talk. All of us.” I start helping clean up. He glances at me with a slightly painful expression.

“Oh.” He deflates a little. “Why does ‘we need to talk’ always herald bad news?”

“It’s not bad, but it is important,” I say and he nods, the happy look gone from his face. I feel bad, of course I do, but we need to do this, or I think I’m going to turn myself inside out.

“Hey,” Constantin calls as he walks in. He looks at me with a question on his face. I shake my head slightly, confirming that I haven’t told Rafe we kissed last night. He makes for the coffee machine instead of coming over, and I breathe a small sigh of relief.

“Breakfast is nearly ready,” Rafe says over his shoulder at Constantin, who grunts a “good” in return.

Rafe places a stack of pancakes on the table. There is fruit, syrup, and honey to add to them. Constantin brings us coffee and we sit and eat.

“These are good,” Constantin says as he swallows a forkful of his first pancake. He’s not wrong, they are delicious. Rafe’s smile is halfway to returning.

“I was thinking we need to talk about how we’re going to make this work,” I say, mostly directing my speech to Constantin this time.

“I agree,” he replies, but his voice is hopeful.

Rafe looks up from chasing the last bit of pancake round his plate and looks between us. “Did I miss something?”

“I’ve thought long and hard about what you’re asking of us, and I’d like to try too,” I say, trying for casual.

“The three of us?” His face lights up once again and I feel it’s the right time to own up.

“I couldn’t sleep last night, so I went outside to get some air. Constantin had the same idea. We talked and we kissed.” I pause and watch him closely, trying to gauge his reaction. Because if, when it comes down to it, he can’t cope with the thought of us kissing, then this could all be over before iteven starts. I hold my breath as his face changes into a big smile.

“This is good, isn’t it?”

“I don’t know,” I say, and he frowns at me slightly.

“Rafe, you’ve drawn us into your orbit, but I need to know what trajectory we’re on.”

I take a deep breath, preparing myself for the next part. Considering that I’m usually very blasé about sex, this is not a conversation I’ve tried to have before, but then, this is new territory for all of us.

“We just kissed, but what if we’d wanted to do more? What then? Would that be okay or not okay? I feel like we need to know what our... your expectations are here, so we can explore this together without hurting each other.”

His face creases slightly and he worries his bottom lip as he thinks about what I’ve said.

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