Page 18 of Putting Down Roots

CHAPTER 14

Luca

I only just make itback to the house before I start crying. Every time Jackson sees a new part of me I’d rather keep hidden, he doesn’t shy away, he steps up. His hug instantly felt like home, like I wanted to crawl into his arms and stay there. He felt like a protective bear, and his kindness makes my heart break. He deserves a whole person, not the shattered ghost of a thing that I am. There’s a part of me that wants to tell him everything—the whole lot—but then I imagine the disgust that will come over his face, and I can’t bear that he might look at me like that.

But how could anyone not, for what I am?No, I can’t tell him—ever.

I don’t want to face him again. I feel too raw and exposed. I leave a “sorry” note on the kitchen counter for him to find and head up to my room. I need some time alone right now.

CHAPTER 15

Jackson

I spendanother hour furiously digging. There’s nothing like hard, manual labour, to help with life’s knotty problems. It helps drive away the frustration and feeling of impotence I have because I can’t help Luca. I reflect that I can only help him if he allows me to—if he trusts me enough—but he doesn’t, not yet. I feel the layers peeling away slowly, but what gets me is how he carries an extra skin of sadness each time. What the digging does not help with, is to clarify why I care.

Why am I invested in helping him?

Then I remember how it felt to hold him, how right it felt, how he hugged me back, and how I needed that, too. There was never much physical affection between myself and Natasha—she made it clear she didn’t like it.

I decide to skip lunch, but have a thought that Luca might be in the kitchen waiting for me. I jog up there and find his note. The smiley face he put on the end of the note makes me smile, but I’m also relieved. I don’t think I could handle seeing him at themoment. It seems we can’t do big talk, and it’s too soon to return to small talk. I go back to the garden and dig some more, until my muscles ache, then keep on going. It’s not working. I decide to pack up for the day and head back to the pub.

I standin the shower with my hands on the wall, letting the warm water wash over my neck, back, and arm muscles, trying to ease the fact that I overdid it. My mind is playing over and over how gorgeous Luca looks when he bites his bottom lip, and how much I would like to gently bite it, too. It confuses me.

I’m supposed to like women, aren’t I?Well, maybe not my ex-wife, though I’m sure I must have liked her once. I’ve only had sex with Natasha—I wasn’t interested in anyone before her. It suddenly strikes me that this might not be normal. What I feel for Luca is different. A lot different.Do I feel sexually attracted to Luca?My body answers that question.Well, shit!There’s only one way to deal with that, and as I grasp my cock I give in to the fantasy of Luca and his lips.

It relieves my immediate tension, but I really don’t know how I’m going to face Luca tomorrow. I don’t even know what his sexual preferences are.Wait, didn’t he mention some scandal that first day I met him? Was it with another guy?Well, whatever, it’ll be awkward and I really don’t want it to be. I need to act as casual as possible.

Luca’sin the kitchen the next morning.

“Hi.”

“Hi.” So far, so good. He smiles a little warily at me and I smile back. His smile becomes warmer.

“Breakfast?” I brought his favourite pastries from the bakery.

“Yes, please. Coffee?”

“Yes, please.” See small talk is easy—so easy, we eat in silence. At least he seems as awkward with me as I am with him.

“I’m, uh, gonna go do some work,” I say. Luca nods, then replies.

“I’ll bring you a coffee later.” My turn to nod.

Awkward!

CHAPTER 16

Luca

I don’t wantto hide from Jackson; I want to be near him. I feel so much calmer in his orbit, even if the past keeps threatening to raise its ugly head. Plus, if I hide in the house, I can’t watch him working, and watching those muscles flex, and seeing him bending over . . . it’s become my favourite pastime.

He seemed okay when he arrived this morning. It was awkward, but he turned up, so I’m taking that to be a good sign. And he did bring my favourite pastry from the bakery, so maybe hecanstand to be in the same place as me.

I take him a coffee at break time.

It’s another warm spring day and I want to help out. I cleaned the house, and I need a break from sorting through Aunt Frances’ things. In London, I would’ve had no problem staying all day in my flat or the studio, but here, I actually feel like I want to be outside. I muse on whether it’s the garden or Jackson that tugs like a magnet, but the end result is the same, and I’m out in the fresh air.

He gives me a warm smile when I hand him his coffee, which broadens when I ask.

---