Page 118 of Finding Jess

“You have no idea how it feels to not be wanted by the one person you want more than anything.”

A tear rolled down Jess’ cheek, but this time, she didn’t bother wiping it away. “I want every part of you,” she said as she stepped forward. “I did then, and I do now!” Jess shook her head, her eyes filled with an almost desperate looking frustration. “God, I want you to give me your last fucking name, Sam!”

Sam's body froze, and with it, so did the anger that coursed through her.

She stared at Jess, who seemed to be just as shocked by the words as she was.

Jess blinked, her throat bobbing as she swallowed and glanced down at the ground between them. She shook her head slightly, her voice lowering. “That’s how much I want you,” she whispered, shutting her eyes as she released a sharp breath. “I don’t just want you when we’re in the same city. I want you every month. Every week.”

She shook her head, as if every word she’d spoken had drained the remaining fight within her.

“Every day,” she whispered.

Sam couldn’t think. She couldn’t move. It was as if she’d been split in half. And part of her was begging to stay—to take Jess in her arms and never, ever let go.

But the other half screamed against it. Screamed like it never had before.

Jess’ eyes finally found hers once again. A blue eyed warning sign. “And I’ve forced myself to swallow all of that down for the last four years.”

There were so many words she could have said. So many things she wanted to say. But none of them would take away what had already been set in motion.

“It doesn’t matter anymore,” Sam whispered, the words scraping out of her throat.

Jess’ eyes tightened slightly, caution flickering through her features.

“We got the official offer today,” Sam said, her voice so weak she wondered if the words had even made it past her lips. “I’m moving to London.”

Jess stared back, her face evening out into a blank, confused look. And with every second that passed, Sam could see her slowly begin to understand.

The rest of the tears that had built in Jess’ eyes spilled over, leaving sparkling streaks down her face.

Then she tipped her head back slightly, letting out an almost pained scoff. “Of course you are.”

Sam took a step toward her, although she didn’t know why. She didn’t know what to do—what to say. There wasn’t anything else.

It was utterly and entirely empty.Shewas empty.

And it was only then that she truly realized how much of their past she’d been holding onto.

How much hurt and anger had lingered for so long, exiled to the deepest parts of her.

“Then I guess it also doesn’t matter that I would’ve never said yes to getting back together with Liz,” Jess whispered, her eyes a broken mixture of anger and despair.

If she’d heard those words a few minutes before, she might’ve felt relief. But now, she only felt a deep swelling guilt.

She looked away, an unfamiliar feeling burning in the back of her eyes.

Jess turned, taking a step back before stopping.She opened her mouth, then paused, as if fighting with herself.

“We both know that for all those years, I would’ve done anything to be together,” she said with a calm that reminded Sam of the ocean after a bad storm had finally passed. “Ten miles, or ten thousand miles, I would’ve been yours.” Jess swallowed, wiping the tears from her cheeks. “It was you who walked away. It was you every single time.” Her jaw flickered in the dim light as she released a breath. “You always made sure you stayed just out of reach.”

Jess looked at her then, her eyes already distant and guarded behind the impenetrable wall that had risen between them. “I don’t know why I thought that would ever change.”

Then she turned, walking away.

Sam watched every step, not daring to follow.

Because there was nothing else left.

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