Page 117 of Finding Jess

Jess released a deep breath. “She wants to work things out—get back together.” Her eyes flicked down to her lap as she bit her lip. “She said things would be different now. That she’d be working less and would have more time to focus on our relationship.”

Sam’s jaw tightened as the image of Liz kissing her cheek flashed through her mind.

“You deserve that,” Sam said quietly, hating each word as it came out. “You deserve someone who will give you that. And I—” she looked away, swallowing down the reluctance in her throat. “I understand.”

Jess turned to her then, her eyes tightening a fraction. “What do you mean?”

Sam loosed a breath, running a hand over the back of her neck. “I mean—you don’t have to justify it to me. If that’s—if that’s what you’re going to do.”

In an instant, the confused look in Jess’ eyes turned to something resembling anger.“Is that really what you would say if I ended up with someone else?”

Sam watched her carefully, her mind searching for where she’d apparently gone wrong in her previous words. “What do you want me to say?”

Jess scoffed, shaking her head as the anger built within her eyes. “I guess that’s my answer.”

She stood suddenly, as if about to walk away. Then she stopped, whirling back around.

“And I guess that’s the difference between us, Sam,” she said, spitting each word out. “Because I’ll tell you right now, if I saw you with someone else today, I sure as hell wouldn’t just let you go.” The muscle in her jaw twitched, her eyes flaring with anger. “I would fight for you with everything I have.”

Sam shook her head slightly, confusion swirling in her mind. “You want me to tell you what to do?” she asked, standing as she lifted a palm in the air. “You want me to tell you not to get back together with her?”

“I want you to stop pretending like it doesn’t matter to you!” Jess shot back.

Sam stared at her, her mind twisting with every word she wanted to say. With everything she felt. But one thought overtook them all.

She was leaving. Again.

So none of that mattered.Again.

She swallowed the words down, looking away as the guilt crept back into her chest.

They stood there for a moment in silence before Jess finally shook her head.“In high school,” she said quietly, her voice frail as if she was holding back tears, “you needed time. I could see it in you that you weren’t ready. And I thought it was because of me.” Her voice cracked as a tear fell down her face that she quickly wiped away. “I thought it was because of what I’d done, and how long it’d taken me to come to terms with who I really was. What I wanted.” She paused, shaking her head. “But now I know it wasn’t that. It wasn’t my fault. You would’ve left regardless of what I did. Because that’s what you do.”

Sam’s head yanked back, her eyes narrowing. Something in the words broke a piece within her. Something that felt like it’d been built up for an eternity.

And instantly, that guilt she’d felt before was entirely replaced with a burning rage.

“You think what happened between us in high school was my fault?” she asked, her voice falling to a deathly quiet.

Jess’ eyes flicked to hers, a new cautious intensity within them.

“You have no idea how that felt,” Sam seethed as every long buried wound resurfaced. “You have no idea how it felt to fall so helplessly in love with you. All while you changed your mind every single day about wanting me back.”

A pained look flashed across Jess’ face.

But Sam couldn’t stop. Everything she’d forced away years before came flooding to the surface.

“You have no fucking idea how much it hurt to have the girl you loved more than anything treat you like the love of her life one day, and absolutely nothing the next.”

Jess’ lips parted as her eyes filled with tears. “You know that’s not how it was,” she whispered, her lip trembling. “You know I never meant to make you feel like that.”

“I don’t care if that’s how youmeantfor it to feel,” Sam spat, ignoring the urge to hold back the words. Ignoring everything in her that screamed to stop. That screamed to do whatever it took—say whatever needed to be said—just to make Jess stop hurting.

“That’s how it was, Jess!” she continued, pain rushing through her bones. Pain that had been long suppressed, but never once forgotten.

“No matter how much I understand it. No matter how much I understand how hard it was for you.” She shook her head. “It doesn’t change how hard it was for me, too. It doesn’t take away the pain of having my heart ripped back and forth for months while you figured it out.”

Jess looked at her with more defeat in her eyes than she’d ever seen before. Guilt seeped through them.

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