Page 70 of When You Saved Me

The shards of my heart stuck me deep in my chest. Every part of my soul ached and wept.

It was one thing to make a choice that led to your own heartbreak. But it was quite another to have the choice made for you. My hands were tied and I was running out of options.

Stepping down the porch stairs, the edge of my right boot slipped out from underneath me.

I let out a startled yip as I caught myself with the railing. There was a stitch in my left knee from the quick bend, but otherwise I was alright. Closing my eyes for a moment, I took in a deep breath, feeling the air line my lungs with a subtle sting that broke through the onslaught of endless thoughts. I settled on that feeling, taking another breath in.

Leaving this place—if only for a little while—felt wrong. This cabin and these days with Deacon had etched themselves into my bones. Leaving marks that would be there for the rest of my life. This place was a part of me now and I, a part of it.

Opening my eyes, I knew what needed to be done. We both needed space. Clarity. And that was something I could give us. It was the one thing I was in control of.

Carefully, I bounded down the remaining steps and got into my car.

Turning the key over, the engine sputtered, then died. “Come on,” I coaxed it, giving it another try to no avail. “Come on!” I said more sternly this time, turning the key for the third attempt. The engine roared to life, and I sat back in my seat feeling both remorse that the car worked and regretthat I was about to leave this place that had so quickly become my home.

“I’ll be back within a few hours,” I said to myself, shaking my head at the ridiculousness of my emotions. This wasn’t a forever goodbye…at least not yet. And maybe that was what made this so damn difficult. With Deacon being so out of sorts and unpredictable, I didn’t know if this was the last time I would leave this place feeling a thread of hope that everything would be okay. I was only one half of this puzzle and maybe some time and space wouldn’t be enough.

For a moment, the darkness of that future gripped me tightly. Sorrow and grief took hold in my chest and my throat burned with tightness. I hated these feelings. They weren’t me. They didn’t belong in my space. I didn’t want them. Part of me realized in that moment that they weren’t part of Deacon either. The darkness had been impressed upon him. The purest version of him was the man I saw loving on Casper. The man whose smile could light up a room. The man who made me feel like Ididlive in a fairyland when I was with him.

I’d seen the light in his eyes that only came from experiencing pure joy. Heard the sound of his laughter like a warm blanket wrapped around me. Felt the comfort of his embrace and how he came alive when those around him felt good.

The thread that ran between us from the first moment we met was illuminated again. Bright and blue and beautiful.

I had to believe this would work. That he just needed some time. Some separation to see things more clearly.

With one final look at the cabin, I backed out of thedriveway. Snow crunched under the tires as I turned the car around and headed to the main road.

The sky was cloudy again today. I missed the sun and the warmth it brought. I was tired of the cold and not being able to spend much time outdoors. I wanted to paint and sip on sweet tea and feel the sun’s rays on my face as I listened to Deacon talk to Casper—telling him how much of a rascal he was.

My palms sweat as anxiety clawed up my spine.Am I doing the right thing by leaving? By giving him space? Should I have just tried talking to him again?

Ugh!

I was wound so tight, I felt like my brain was going to burst from the effort of thinking too much. I didn’t know what to do.

So, I kept driving further into town.

About halfway there, my scar started to itch.

Damnit.

Lost in all the emotions of the day, I’d forgotten to put the salve on it this morning. Lifting my coat and sweater, I scratched at the edges, knowing it was just going to make it itch more, but the monetary relief was much needed.

My mind wandered to the first night Deacon saw my scar and how his eyes had turned molten at the sight. I knew hehad traveled back in time, ridden with guilt for not getting me out of the building before the roof collapsed on us.

Another thing that hadn’t been his fault, but he’d decided to carry the burden of it anyways.

Splaying my palm against the raised skin, I remembered what it felt like to have him rub the salve over my skin. How my breath caught, and my heart thundered in my chest.

I missed him.

His warmth.

His touch.

His laughter.

Hiseverything.

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