Page 48 of Dare to Need

“Don’t give me that horse shit, brother. We’ve known each other our entire lives. I know when you’re just pissy and when you’re actually in a bad way. And I can tell you that I’ve never seen you like this before. Time to fess up. What’s going on?”

That was the thing about found-family. The people you chose to be a part of your life were always the ones who knew you the best—the ones you couldn’t hide from. Lucas and I chose to be each other’s brother a long time ago. Making a pact that we’d never lie to one another, and after Lilly died we vowed to always be there when the other needed us.

As much as it pained me to unveil the truth of my mental state—mostly because I was sorely fucked up—that promise we made all those years ago was a visceral hum in my blood, coercing me to give in.

“I hate you right now, you know that?”

“Nah. You don’t hate me. You just hate what I’m making you do.”

Rolling my eyes, I knew he was right. Once again. I glanced over my shoulder to where Eva and Drema were strolling behind us, their arms were interwoven as Eva leaned her head against Drema’s shoulder. She looked more alive than I’d seen her look in days with a smile that rivaled the heavens above.

We’d made some progress this morning after I talked with my dad last night. But if I was going to make lasting change for the sake of our relationship, talking to Lucas was probably a good place to start.

“I’ve spent the last half of my life fighting against the very thing I gave in to a few days ago. But I think I gave in for a good reason. My father hasn’t exactly been the easiest guy to get along with, but I know I’ve played my part in all the shit that’s gone down between us.” I flexed the balled fists I held at my sides in an attempt to relax the growing tension creeping all over my body.

“When I saw him lying in that hospital bed, something in me changed. It felt like an unrelenting wave of fatigue rolled over me. I was so tired of fighting him, knowing how close I came to losing him forever. I was tired of being the reason our family was so fucked up. So, I finally caved and told him I’d take over the company.”

“Fuck,” Lucas sneered. “Damn, Garth. Drema told me that something happened between you and your dad, but I didn’t know it was like that. I never would have thought you’d agree to take over the company.”

“I never thought I would, either. But everything was different the moment I stepped into that hospital room.”

Lucas’ head drooped as he rubbed an open palm against his face. “Yeah…I know exactly what you’re talking about. The claws of death have a way of forcing you into making decisions that seem like a good idea at the time but end up biting you in the ass later.

“Do you want the truth?” he asked as he eyed me with a sidelong glance.

“Always,” I replied.

“The difference is that Lilly is dead. And I became a doctor in her honor to help other children who are suffering. Your father is very much alive, Garth. I know it was terrifying as hell, especially when you think about all the things there were to regret about your relationship. But he is with you still, so just talk to him and try to sort everything out without sacrificing the person you are.”

A few heartbeats passed and I realized this wasn’t so scary after all. My palms still twitched to create, to paint everything that was bubbling beneath my very fragile surface. But the temptation was manageable now that I had let some of the steam out.

“I did talk to him.”

Lucas smacked my bicep with the back of his hand. “And?”

I gave him a look of mock hurt as I rubbed my hand up and down my arm. “It went really well. He…he apologized for everything. Said that it was all his fault for how our relationship went south and that if he could do it all over again, he would have chosen more time with us and mom instead of traveling so much for work.”

Lucas was stunned silent, a look of surprise on his face.

I half-laughed. “Yeah, that’s exactly how I felt. It was one of the very few times I’d ever heard him apologize and admit that he was wrong. But it was more than that, Lucas. We actually…talked. About life and my relationship with Eva. He offered some good advice.”

Lucas’ eyebrows inched up toward his hairline. “What was it like?”

I paused, gathering my thoughts on how I truly felt. “It was nice. It almost felt like we picked up where we left off when I was a kid. I know things haven’t always been terrible, and that my childhood was pretty great. Our conversation reminded me of those times.” I shook my head. “I just can’t get over the regret of not taking his position in the company. I…I feel like if I would have taken over, then he wouldn’t have suffered from the heart attack.”My voice dropped low, as though I were mumbling the words to myself instead of confessing to Lucas.

He took a deep breath in. “I remember when Lilly was first diagnosed and the doctors told us the treatments weren’t likely to work. It felt like my heart had been ripped out of my chest. I wished every night thatIwould have been the one to get cancer instead of her. She was too good—too bright to spend all of her days in a hospital bed, tethered to the machines that were simultaneously killing her and keeping her alive. The guilt I felt when she died nearly destroyed me. I wanted so badly to take her place and I regretted every moment I was alive when she died.

“But I’ve recently realized that all the regret I had only diminished the life I should have been livingforher. She wouldn’t have wanted me to spend years wishing I had taken her place, and living in fear because of it. Lilly would have wanted me to be free of those burdens.” He clasped me on the shoulder again, pale blue irises set on mine with such ferocity, it was startling. “You’re father would want you to be free of those burdens as well, Garth.”

Maybe it was the earnestness that shone in his eyes. Or the fact that he’d never once told me, in all our years as chosen brothers, that he had wished to take Lilly’s place. But I believed him. I believed that Lucas knew my father didn’t want me to carry the weight of his decisions on my shoulders. That yes, I should own up to my part, but I wasn’t responsible foreverythingthat transpired between us. And maybe, that I also wasn’t responsible for taking over his position in a company thathebuilt.

“I didn’t realize you were suffering so much after Lilly’s passing, Lucas. I’m so sorry I didn’t see just how difficult it was for you.”

He shrugged his shoulders. “We were kids. Honestly, there was nothing anyone could have done to prevent me from feeling that way. It was something I needed to work through on my own.”

“I get that,” I acknowledged, glancing over at him. “Well, I’m glad that youarestill here. I don’t know if I would have survived my early twenties without you.”

That gave him a laugh. “To be fair, we were probably more detrimental to one another’s health back then than we were helpful.”

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