Page 32 of Dare to Fall

She chewed on her bottom lip, like she was unsure if she wanted to say what was on her mind. “I don’t understand what you see in Connor…or any of your friends in that group.” Her words came out in a rush and landed like lead in my stomach.

I blinked, completely taken aback by what she just said. It wasn’t like Drema to be so outspoken, and I had no idea how to respond.

Drema’s eyes went wide with regret as I looked up at her.

“I don’t know what to do anymore, Drema.” My voice was small and unsure.

The tension in her face fell as she slowly moved closer to my side of the sofa. She crossed her legs and reached her hands out to hold my own.

“You are so kind, Eva. You like to help people and make them feel better about themselves. You’re beautiful and fun and outgoing. I never told you this before, but I was so nervous when I moved into the apartment during our freshman year. I was terrified that I was going to end up living in one of those horror stories where my college roommate ends up chopping me up in the bathtub.” She giggled, and it brought a smile to my face too. “But when I first met you and you helped me unpack my entire car, I was so thankful to have met someone as generous as you are.”

Her words struck my heart. The only compliments I ever received from friends were usually regarding how I looked. No one outside of my family ever told me that I was kind or thoughtful. It made me realize how powerful words were when there was true meaning behind them.

“I don’t know what to say, Drema.” I shook my head with a shy smile pulling at the corners of my lips.

“You don’t have to say anything. I wanted you to know that you’re really special, and I’m glad to have a friend like you. I just wish you could see your own worth and not put so much stock into people who care more about getting drunk or what someone is wearing than they do about their own friends.”

I didn’t know what to say to that, either. In a lot of ways, she was right. The way Connor was treating me wasn’t okay, and I’d even started to notice how toxic our group felt over the past few weeks. It didn’t feel like I fit in with them anymore. My heart sank thinking about how Caroline and Paulina treated Drema when she had been nothing but nice to both of them. I felt responsible for the pain they caused her, because I didn’t stand up to them—at least not enough to truly make a difference. How they treated other people, otherwomen, was wrong. Yet, the habit of keeping my mouth shut often prevented me from standing up for whatIbelieved in.

If I was honest with myself, I felt scared. The four of them had made up my close circle of friends since high school. I put all my energy into them, and I wasn’t sure what my life would look like without them being in it.

Something had to change, though. My boyfriend was acting like an asshole. My two girlfriends were so caught up in themselves they weren’t willing to acknowledge the pain they caused other people.

I started to feel like I didn’t want to be associated with any of it. Yet, a piece of me still clung to the normalcy of being around them, because this year already felt like it was going up in smoke. I was clinging to a man who hardly gave me the time of day anymore, and the future I had planned for myself didn’t seem so bright anymore.

Tears pooled in my eyes, threatening to spill over.

I was lost, so terribly lost without any light to find my way to the right path. There was only one thing I was sure of, and it was that the path I was currently on was starting to crumble beneath my feet. If I didn’t veer off it soon, I would fall hard.

“What’s wrong, Eva?” Drema asked, her voice soft and soothing.

I rubbed at my eyes before the tears could spill over. “I just feel so lost and frustrated, and I don’t know what to do anymore.”

She gave my hand a squeeze then rubbed her thumb over the back of it in slow circles. I tried to remember the last time Paulina or Caroline tried to comfort me like that when I was feeling upset. Not a single memory came to the surface.

“Other than Connor and your friends, what else are you feeling lost about?”

I wiped at my eyes again that were now free-flowing with hot tears. I felt the tension boil under my skin as the words tumbled out in a rush. “When Connor and I started dating in the tenth grade, I fell so in love with him that I was willing to do anything he wanted me to do. He wanted to become a doctor, just like his parents did. And he wanted me to become one too. Because I loved him, I shut away all thoughts of becoming a photographer and pursued a career in medicine. And for the longest time, I was happy with that decision. But I think I closed off too much of myself, and now everything is starting to unravel. Everything is so intertwined it’s hard to figure out what I’m actually upset about.”

I looked over my shoulder to where Drema’s paintings and supplies were lined up against the wall. “But I don’t think I want to be on this path anymore,” I said, turning back to face her. “I don’t think I want to be a doctor anymore.”

I was expecting for her to look confused or to say that I should stay on the path I’ve already chosen for myself. Instead, her face was calm, and as her blue eyes darted back and forth between mine, she started to smile.

“So, what doyouwant to do?” she asked.

I released the breath I didn’t realize I had been holding. Shocked by her question, it took me a moment to think. To think about what I truly wanted out of my career—out of my life.

“I’ve always wanted to help people. I think that’s why I initially said yes to becoming a doctor. It seemed like a good thing to do with my life. Then, as Connor and I came to college together and it became somethingwewere going to do, it turned into something else.” I picked at a piece of lint on my yoga pants as I pulled my thoughts together. “I think the doubt started when I worked in the emergency department last year. It didn’t take very long for me to dread going into the hospital. The doctors were so cold and removed from their patients. The staff was cynical and burnt out. I tried to talk to Connor about how I was feeling, but he loved the hospital setting, so he didn’t understand what I was feeling. And everything felt worse during my summer internship working at the Cancer Institute.” I rubbed at the skin on my cheeks that felt taut from the dried tears that stained them.

“Is there something you’ve done that does make you happy?” Drema asked.

An image of my camera immediately jumped to the forefront of my mind. “Yes. Yes, I think I do know what makes me happy.”

She tilted her head and looked at me expectantly.

“When I’m behind my camera, I see the world in a different way. I get to capture these beautiful moments and put them in a time capsule forever. And I can edit for hours. I get so lost in the work that time slips by without me noticing. It’s like watching you paint, Drema. Every time you’re working on a piece, you look so content. More than content. You look…at peace.” A broad smile broke out across my lips. “That’s what I want for myself. And the only time I feel that is when I do photography.”

Drema smiled back at me. “Well then, I think you know what you need to do.”

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