Page 87 of Safe With Me

The question rolling around in my head now instead washow could I have put up with this for my entire life?I was finally exhausted enough not to want to do it anymore, even if I had only been going through the motions for the past ten years.

“I’d hoped I’d last at least through the first course,” Lila continued. “But I can’t and won’t sit here while you speak to him like that.”

“I love my son. How dare you insinuate that I don’t.”

My mother’s jaw quivered as her eyes filled with tears. I knew this stance all too well. If I ever pushed back at her and called her out on what she was doing, she’d collapse into sobs.

It was her way of manipulating me or gaslighting me and making me think it was my fault she acted like this, that my father had abandoned her and that I’d failed her as a son.

I was thankful for the one parent I had to remind me after I’d see or talk to her that it was her, not me. Tonight, for the first time in all my twenty-five years, it finally began to sink in.

While I’d still worry about her and always love her, I owed myself peace.

“Let’s go,” I said to Lila and stood. “Actually, Lila, can you wait for me by the car?”

Lila nodded, kissing my cheek before heading for the door.

“I love you, Mom. You may not think so, but I do. Very much. Enough to deal with the way you’ve acted for so long and not cut you off. But I can’t do this anymore.”

My gaze traveled along the path Lila took out the door to the parking lot.

“I love her, Mom. I’m in love for the first time in my life and I’m pretty sure the last, and you don’t even care. I know you’re unhappy, but I wish you could be happy forme. Just once.”

I pushed my chair in and padded toward where my mother sat, her eyes filling with tears. It still hurt to see her upset, but I couldn’t waver. Not now and not anymore.

“I’m sorry you came all this way and didn’t want to try to have a nice visit. When you do, and when you can accept your only son for who he is, then I’d be happy to come see you.” I bent to kiss her cheek. “Safe travels home.”

I half expected, or half hoped, that she’d call after me. To promise to do better and beg me to sit back down. But I heard nothing but the regular din of the rest of the small restaurant crowd behind me as I headed toward the parking lot and Lila.

This would take me a bit to shake off, but a bone-deep relief washed over me. I deserved better than this, and now I’d finally allow myself to have it.

“I’m so sorry,” Lila said as she launched herself at me. “I should have handled myself better.”

“You were amazing,” I said, angling my head to meet her gaze. “I love her, and I want her to be okay, but life is too short to be a punching bag. I’ll text her in a couple of days to make sure she got home safely, but I’m not accepting any more phone calls.”

Lila’s eyes were glossy as she framed my face.

“It makes me so angry that you’ve had to deal with that for your whole life.”

I shrugged, bringing her back into my arms and holding her as close to my body as I could. “Thanks for sticking up for me and saying all those nice things.”

“You don’t have to thank me. I meant every single word.” She skated her hands down my chest as she peered up at me. “You’re staying with me tonight, right?” She wrapped her arms around my waist. “Since we broke your bed.”

A chuckle fell from my lips as I kissed her forehead. “I was planning to, but I thought we could make a stop first, if you’re up for it.”

“With you, I’m always up for it.”

I drove us home, neither of us saying much for most of the ride back to Kelly Lakes. Finally standing up to my mother had felt good but strange. I went to the one place that always seemed to clear my head, and I hoped at almost sunset, it would be empty.

“This is the tiny beach your sister loves?” Lila asked as I parked in front of the low fence at the end of the block.

“It is. It’s a small patch of sand at the edge of the lake, and some of the kids in the neighborhood like to play here. But around this time of day, it’s usually empty. I have a blanket big enough for us in my trunk.”

I shut off the engine and eased over the console.

“I know you’re probably anxious about being out, but watching the water, even at a distance, helps clear my head.” I rested my forehead against Lila’s temple. “And right now, it’s a little bit of a mess up there.”

“I’m okay. It’s sort of daylight, and I’m with you. And we don’t know if what happened was even anything. What and who I’m worried about is you, so if this little patch of sand will make you feel better?—”

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