Page 13 of Memories of the Dark

“I’m not, Fergus is, and I noticed an affinity between him and Dehaan. They are pretty much the same. Oh, and after saying to your beloved all you have to say, make love to him. To his body but especially to his mind, waking up his senses, making him the center of your universe.” The faraway voice and dreamy expression of the man tugged at the strings of Xavier’s heart, but he still had his doubts.

“Everything you said sounds very good, except Dehaan can’t stand to be touched, even with clothes on. He’d never agree to...”

“As I said, the secret is to use the right approach. You don’t know until you try.”

CHAPTER 11

“Hi, may I come in? I was in the area and thought about paying you a visit.” Xavier swallowed hard, making efforts not to rudely stare at Dehaan, who was wrapped in a kimono that showed all the lines and curves of his slender, perfectly shaped body. “Am I... Were you in the middle of something?”

“Please, come in!” Xavier’s heart melted at the smile his friend offered him. “Sorry for answering so late, I just got out from the shower and... Wow, are you going on a date? The guy must be very special for you to bring him flowers for the first time. I’m happy you found someone who could offer you...” Dehaan’s voice broke, and he left the sentence unfinished.

“He is special, indeed.” Xavier paused for a few seconds, then extended the hand holding the bouquet in a somewhat awkward gesture. “They are for you, and so is this.” The man gestured with his head to the smallest, shiny paper bag he was holding in the other hand. “I brought you dinner, too. Mom cooked steak and vegetables, your favorite, and sent you some.”

“You... brought me chrysanthemums? How did you know? I didn’t tell anyone, not even Ma Agatha... I love these flowers. They are my favorite in the whole Universe!” Dehaan wrapped his arms, hands still busy with the bouquet and the little shopping bag around Xavier’s neck, kissing him on the cheek in a spontaneous gesture of sincere affection.

“Well, I used my brain for once. Roses would have been too plain, everybody offers them to their lovers or spouses, and you are not everybody. Then, I thought about the plants you have here, they are almost all from exotic species, and chrysanthemums looked a little bit exotic, so... And here you have some lavender sachets. I thought they would be pretty as decor elements if nothing else.” Xavier wrapped his arms around Dehaan’s waist, guiding him to the couch and pulling him into his lap.

“Today, I discovered a new side of you, and I’m loving it. However, you shouldn’t waste your affection and attention on me. There are a lot of boys and men out there who deserve the chance to be loved by someone like you.” Dehaan put his head on Xavier’s shoulder, breathing in the man’s scent and closing his eyes. The kimono loosened, sliding off his shoulders and leaving the upper half of his body exposed.

“It can’t be another. You are the only one who makes my heart beat, the center of my universe. I need you in my life like I need the air. I can’t live without your smile and words of wisdom. You are my sunshine on a rainy day.”

As he talked, Xavier touched Dehaan’s skin with his fingertips, then started to trace the contour of his face with his thumb, making him blush. Head lowered, his ice-blue eyes shadowed by thick, silky lashes, the younger man shivered imperceptibly under the feather-light touches of his friend.

His mind shouted at him to get up from the couch and run far away from Xavier and his sweet caresses, but his soul craved that kind of affection and begged him to stay. Caught in the middle of the battle between the two, Dehaan gave up to the soul’s silent pleas, surrendering his body to Xavier.

Closing his eyes, he allowed the other man to tentatively explore with the fingertips and lips every inch of his face, neck and shoulders. With shaky hands, he grabbed the hem of his friend’s shirt, helping him to take it off, the feel of Xavier’s skin against his own making Dehaan sigh in contentment. However, the fears and shame he lived with for the past eight years came back with a vengeance, making him go rigid under his friend’s gentle touches.

“What is it? Did I do something wrong? Touched you in hurtful a way? Do you want me to stop?” Questions flowed from Xavier’s lips in a concerned voice as he examined Dehaan with worried eyes.

“No, you did everything right, but I can’t be with you. It would mean to trick you, and I don’t want to. I crave your company. I’m thirsty for your kisses and hungry for your delicate touches. You are the embodiment of what I want or need. However, there are things you don’t know about me, and they would pull us apart at some point.”

Xavier’s heart wrenched at the sight of the forlorn expression in Dehaan’s eyes, and he hugged the younger man tighter to his chest, chastely kissing his forehead. “I’m here for the long run, and I promise you that I’ll always...”

“Please, don’t make promises you may not want to keep in the end. I’ll tell you my story, and I want you to hold me like this the whole time. After I finish it, please put me down and walk away without a word. I don’t want to hear how disgusted you are of me. It would break my heart forever. Just go, okay?” Dehaan gave Xavier a pleading look, clinging on him.

“I’ll listen to you, but nothing could or would change my mind and feelings. You are the part of me I can’t live without.”

“The night after we kissed in my car, I had a nightmare, and I woke up crying and pleading, but Fergus calmed me down. When he talked to me, instead of using my name, he called me Dunbar, my deceased brother’s name. According to Fergus, he is alive, currently in the care of the same mysterious Mister Bloom he talks so often about. If that’s true, it will be a retrial, and I don’t want you in the way of the huge scandal it will surely provoke.”

Xavier looked at Dehaan, surprise and disbelief mixed in his eyes. “Retrial? What are you talking about? Who was in jail or was supposed to be there? Were any of you wrongfully accused?” The next second, however, he let out a sigh of relief. “You’re going to ask for a harsher sentence for those who set your house on fire, killing your parents, right?”

“Dunbar... he was the one who did it, after making sure I escaped from the claws of the ones who tortured me that night. He killed them, so I wouldn’t suffer anymore. Xavier... I was... someone raped me when I was fifteen, one of our parents’ business partners. I told them, but instead of stopping him, they called me crazy and allowed him to continue. For two years, I endured hell at that monster’s hands because it was the only choice I had.”

“Those goddamn bastards, how could they? The eternal flames of hell are a suitable punishment for what they did! How could they throw a mere kid, their own flesh and blood, into the claws of that soulless monster?” Xavier gently caressed Dehaan’s back, kissing him on the top of his head.

“They hated me because my great-grandfather appointed me and Dunbar as heirs to the pharmaceutical company, instead of giving it to our father. I was quiet and fragile and would’ve committed suicide in the end; Dunbar had a hot, unpredictable temper. He could attack someone or commit other reckless acts they could use as a pretext to lock him up in a mental health clinic.”

Holding Dehaan in his arms, Xavier left the couch, heading to the main bedroom where he gently placed his friend on the bed, pulling the covers over him. Getting rid of his pants, he joined him, wrapping an arm around his waist and staying like that for a while. He wanted Dehaan to relax in the embrace, to feel safe, protected and loved.

Xavier didn’t want to know anything about the horrific treatment the man shivering in his arms endured, didn’t want him to relive that hellish experience all over again. He hoped and prayed that the love he was going to surround Dehaan with would erase all the bad memories, and his sleep would no longer be haunted by nightmares.

Tentatively, Xavier started to place butterfly kisses between his friend’s shoulder blades, whispering softly in his ear from time to time, telling the other one what he desperately needed to hear, all the words he’d craved for so long. Eyes closed, tears streaming down his cheeks, Dehaan wished that moment would never end.

“I want to make love to you. Will you give me the honour of being the one who takes your virginity? I’d be the happiest man alive.”

Xavier’s words, spoken in a soft, almost pleading voice, made Dehaan’s blood freeze, and he rolled over to the other side, facing his friend. “What kind of cruel, sick joke is this? I thought you’d agreed not to throw insults at me. Just...” Tears filled his eyes, and he fell silent, staring blankly ahead.

“Shh, my love, don’t cry. I... What I said earlier is nothing but the truth. You are untouched, pure like the snow falling from the sky. What that sick, perverted monster did to you hasn’t changed that. I love you even more than before if that’s possible, and I want to show you in every way.” Xavier spoke passionately, gentleness and adoration mixing in his eyes as his gaze swept over Dehaan’s partially exposed form.

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