Page 71 of Years in the Making

“You look like you’re ready to storm a building.”

“I’m just thinking.”

“That’s obvious. What are you thinking about?”

“Nothing,” I say with a wave of my hand.

“So, about what I told you, then.”

“Can you blame me?”

“No, not at all. I’m still thinking about it over a decade later. You’re allowed to dwell for as long as you want.” I just hope you don’t take too long goes unsaid, but I know he’s thinking it.

“I think I’m going through the stages of grief, or I’m beginning to anyway.”

“Skip right to anger?’

“No. My first thought was it can’t be that simple.” I keep my eyes on the road because I don’t think I can look at him right now. “So, denial. Denial that you had a legitimate reason and that the reason wouldn’t destroy me the way I had expected.”

“What had you expected?” he asks quietly.

“That what we had had all been in my head and you just got tired of it. That I was too clingy. That at twenty-two, you weren’t ready to feel…” I can feel the tears burning behind my eyes and stop. I see him move out of the corner of my eye, but I lean away and he drops his hand on the console briefly before returning it to rest on a sleeping Kevin.

“Nellie,” he starts but I shake my head and he stops.

“Fuck,” I mutter, bringing my hand to wipe my leaky left eye. “I don’t want to talk right now okay, at least not about this. I’m still processing.”

“Okay. Do you want to talk about anything?”

“What are your plans for the shelter up here?”

“Honestly, Bennett said ‘Tour the facility.’”

“Is there something special about it?”

“Not that I know of. I was instructed to help out if theyneeded to transport dogs south. Marley also wants me to check out their adoption process.”

“Does she think it will help you go through with one?” I laugh.

“I think that’s her hope. She just wants Bennett to learn how to let go a bit more, I think. He gets attached easily.”

“Exhibit A: Marley.”

Teddy starts laughing, and the sound makes me smile. “He tried to tell me that he hadn’t dwelled on her coming back.”

“I was there the day she left. I’ve never seen someone look at another person that way before.” The look on Teddy’s face when he realized it was me came close, but it had faded almost as fast. Bennett’s never budged. Not until we were driving away, and heartbreak crackled across his face. “Honestly, I nearly pushed Marley out of the car.”

“I met him mid-pining,” Teddy says, looking out the window. “He kept this list, Things to Tell Marley, but Cass and I would find notes around the barn. Like he randomly thought of something and grabbed the nearest thing to write it down. ‘At therapy today all we did was talk about you.” Stuff like that.”

“Marley told us he had a long list of moments to tell her about. Sometimes I check in with her just to make sure he hasn’t vanished.”

Teddy looks over at me like I’ve lost it. “Oh, he’s not going anywhere without her,” he assures me.

“No, but he may vanish because he’s not actually real.”

“He’s not perfect, Nell…ie.” Teddy tacks the end on my name almost as if it’s an afterthought. “Nell” felt right, but it was also a reminder of where things still stand between us.

“I know that. No one is perfect.”

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