Page 64 of Years in the Making

I can feel my cheeks heat and try to ignore the look Marley gives me. “That would be convenient,” she says, looking over my shoulder to address him. “Drop your bag in the bedroom, and then we’re going to go for a pack walk. All of us.” She looks between us seriously before heading out to the barn.

“She’s so bossy now,” I mumble.

“Now?” Teddy asks.

“Yeah, as in she didn’t used to be.” I don’t mean for it to come out so passive-aggressively. I don’t even know where that came from.

“Okay then. Well, I’ll be.” I look back to see him point back outside. “Unless you don’t want me to come on the walk.”

“No, of course, you should come.” I plaster on the most sincere smile I can muster and hope it comes across the way I intend it to.

His face relaxes but only slightly. “See you out there.”

It only takes me a couple minutes to drop my bag off, but I take a few more to make sure I look decent. I haven’t changed too much in the last twelve years, but I wonder if Teddy sees the fine lines that have started to appear around my own eyes, or the lines across my forehead that seem to deepen with every school year. Does he think I should be dyeing my hair to hide the premature grays that have sprouted? Did he like the little bit of extra padding under his hands that time in my car? By the way he’d responded to me, I can’t imagine any of it was a dealbreaker.

“Friends,” I say to my reflection. Friends don’t care about that shit. I certainly don’t care about how he has filled out. Or how his once-soft hands have turned rough.

“Okay, keep going,” Marley says, tugging on my arm to slow me down while the guys put even more distance between us.

“I’m trying to, but you’re holding me back.”

“Nellie, what did he tell you?”

“His mom died,” I say quietly, turning more toward her and hoping my voice doesn’t carry.

“That’s why he left?”

“She died, and I think he just was caught up in that and then he said he found out something and… I don’t know what that was, but he said he’d tell me while we’re gone.”

“Huh,” she says, stopping mid-stride. “So a metaphorical meteor hit his world, and his strategy was to run away.”

“I guess, but that sounds kind of heartless when you put it that way. His mom died, and he adored her. You should have seen them together, Marley, the way she looked at him. He was her world, but I don’t think I realized just how much of his world she was.” I look ahead where Teddy is becoming smaller with each stride, and I’m struck with the sudden need to hold him.

“You’re crying.” Marley’s voice pulls my attention away from Teddy as I raise my hand to wipe away the tears that have begun to fall. “Did I just help someone else have a breakthrough?” Marley looks elated. “Is this how it feels to therapize someone? No wonder Izzy is so into it.”

“I’m not sure that’s what you did.” I laugh, wiping the remaining moisture from my face.

“Well, maybe I didn’t use the same methods, but the outcome is the same.” She shrugs. “Just let me have this, Nell. It’s so nice to be the one who isn’t a mess for a change.”

“I’m so glad I could help you out.”

Marley shocks me by pulling me in for a hug. “You did help me out, though. You’re one of the reasons I didn’t keep going down that path I was on. You’re one of the reasons I am here with him. Consider my being pushy about sorting shit out with Teddy me paying you back.”

“What if I don’t want to be paid back?” I sputter into her shoulder.

She pulls back and studies me. “Is that what you want? Because if you don’t want to try with Teddy, I’ll make up some excuse why he can’t go with you, and we’ll forget any of this ever happened. Hell, I’ll come visit you all the time instead of you coming here. Because as much as I love you, I don’t think Bennett is willing to give up his new best friend. And it’s nice to see him have a friend that doesn’t live… wait, never mind. It’s nice to see him have a friend his age.” Her face softens, and I brace for what’s coming next. “Teddy, on the other hand… Bennett claims that when he first came he was broody and a bit of a loner. Now he eats with us multiple times a week and is actively involved with the social media stuff and outreach. And I get it, Bennett is amazing, but I don’t think Teddy’s about-face has anything to do with him.”

I look from her to Teddy, who is jumping around with most of the dogs while Bennett plays tug-of-war with Yogurt. Lloyd is standing off to the side, eating leaves off a bush. I don’t want to not come here anymore. This place is like Disney World for animal lovers.

“I’ve had months to come to terms with Teddy being back. I’m not mad at him anymore. I’m just scared that we won’t work as friends.”

“Why do you think you won’t work as friends?”

I watch them for a few minutes more. I’m in a constant battle with my feelings when I see Teddy. The urge to touch him is always there. The need to be closer is at war with the barricade I’ve put up around my heart. I go back and forth between thinking of how amazing it is that of all the places he could be, it’s here, and cursing the universe for doing this to me.

Finally, I pull my attention away from him and focus back on Marley.

“Avocados,” I murmur.

---