Page 61 of Years in the Making

“So, how are you really feeling about the trip?” Bennett asks, sitting back down across from me.

I could lie to him, but I am tired of keeping it in. “Honestly? A bit terrified. I feel like I have another chance at a relationship with Nellie, and I’m worried I’ll fuck it up again.”

“We’re talking about a romantic relationship?”

“I’d take friendship at this point, which is all she wants.” Saying it out loud physically hurts.

Bennett studies me, from across the table. “Is that all you want?” he asks.

I have said time and time again that if people wanted to know our story, they would have to ask Nellie, but I feel compelled to keep talking.

“We tried to be friends once. We were good at it too, but the attraction proved to just be too much for her.” Bennett laughs along with me as I buy time to think of what to tell him next. How much can I reveal without letting him see it all? “I don’t know if it was like this for her, but all I could think about when we weren’t together was when we’d be together again. The first time I saw her, all I knew was that I wanted it to not be the last.”

“Love at first sight.” Bennett nods sagely.

“No, I don’t think it was love at first sight. It was intrigue and attraction. There was this want I felt just to meet her and then that turned into a need to know her. And in turn for her to know me. And at the time I thought I might be someone she’d maybe want to get to know.”

“For the record,” Bennett says thoughtfully, “it wasn’t love at first sight for me either. I didn’t even realize I loved Marley until she was gone, and even then, I battled with it. On one hand, I wanted to fully give in, but on the other, what if she never came back? I allowed hope to slip out here and there but until she was standing in front of me—” He looks out towards the forest as if lost in a memory. “It was as if seeing her just cracked every bit of fear I had right off my body. She jokes that I was too easy on her, but I knew that if she was back it wasn’t to test the waters, it was to dive in. And there was no fucking way I wasn’t diving right in with her.”

“I think you have a different view of it than the rest of us did.” I smirk at him. “You seemed fully in before she came back, whether you realized it or not.”

“And you clearly want Nellie to get to know this version of you—a version, by the way, that reveals itself a little more every time she’s around. When you started, you were this man of mystery, nice enough but guarded. Then you get some Nellie time, even if it’s from afar, and the curtain gets pulled back a tiny bit more. We all see it.”

“No shit,” I say, rolling my eyes. “Not a single one of you has been subtle about it, either.”

“Life is short.” Bennett shrugs. “Screw subtlety.”

Life is indeed short, I think.

“Listen, I don’t know what went down between the two of you, but if repairing the relationship is really what you want to do, I’m sure you’ll succeed. Just don’t lose hope.”

I nod back because the little bit of hope I have seems to be lodged in my throat.

TWENTY-FOUR

NELLIE

I wave to my parents until they turn off my street, and still I don’t cry. I should have cried at least six times by now, but my tear ducts remain drier than an academic journal.

I’d insisted they leave before me. For some reason, I wanted them to see me in their rearview mirror rather than me seeing them. It’s a reminder that they’re the ones leaving me behind. I’m just doing a few weeks north of here. They’re the ones moving away.

One more walk around the little Airstream to double-check that nothing is going to open or fall off on my drive to meet with Teddy. Teddy. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t excited about spending time with him. Even if I’m also dreading it. The human heart is an interesting thing, capable of holding great hope and the capacity for immense heartbreak at the same time. After I confirm no doors are going to swing open and dump books on the highway, I slip behind the wheel, reverse out of my driveway, and head toward a new adventure.

Twenty minutes later, Marley calls. She was going to call earlier but must have gotten busy.

“Hey,” she says out of breath.

“Hey yourself. Are you out for a run?”

“No, Jason stopped by.” Jason is the Hores’ bull and the most prolific escape artist since Houdini.

“I assume he’s back home.”

“For the time being anyway.” I can hear her eyes roll from here. “But enough about runaway bovines, how are you? How was the goodbye?”

“Far more painless than I had expected.”

“Still haven’t cried?”

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