Page 35 of Texas Honor

“You know how I feel about my freedom,” he said curtly. “I can’t give that up. But you’ll have a part of my life that I’ve never shared with anyone else. You’ll never want for anything. And there won’t be another woman. Not ever. Just you. I’ll manage enough time to keep us both happy when we’re together.”

It was all becoming clear now. His hard face and his determined eyes gave her all the information she needed.

“You’re asking me to be your mistress.” She almost choked on the word, but she had to be sure.

He nodded, confirming her worst fears. “That’s all I can give you, Marianne. That’s all I have to give. Marriage isn’t something I want. I’ve had a taste of commitment that left me half demented. I’ll never risk it again.”

“And you think that I can be satisfied with this kind of arrangement?” she asked in a ghost of her normal voice.

“You’ll be satisfied, all right,” he said, his voice sensual and low. “I’ll satisfy you to the roots of your hair, little virgin.”

“And... Aunt Lillian?”

He shifted uncomfortably. Somehow this was all leaving a bad taste in his mouth. It had seemed the right thing, the only thing, to do when he’d worked it out last night. But now it sounded and felt cheap.

“Lillian will never have to know,” he said shortly.

“And what if I get pregnant?” she asked blatantly. “Nothing is foolproof.”

He drew in a slow breath. Children. He hadn’t realized that children might come of such a liaison. He studied her, wondering absently if they might have a son together. His body surged in a new and unexpected way. His reaction shocked him.

“Pregnant.” He said the word aloud, savoring it.

“It does happen,” she reminded him, going colder by the second. “Or hasn’t the problem ever arisen before?” she added, wondering how many women had come and gone in his life.

“I’ve never been desperate enough to compromise a virgin before,” he said quietly, searching her eyes. “I’ve never wanted anything the way I want you.”

She pulled herself erect. “I’m sorry,” she said stiffly. “Sorry that you think so little of me that you could make a proposition like that. I guess I’ve given you every reason to think I’d accept, and I’m sorry for that, too. I never realized how...how easy it would make me seem to you.”

His face fell. He could feel his heart sinking. “Easy?” he asked softly. “Marianne, that’s the last thing I think of you!”

“Do tell?” She laughed through building tears. “I’ll bet you’ve made that little speech until it’s second nature to you! I’ll bet you’ve even forgotten the names of the women you’ve had in your bed!”

His lips parted on a caught breath. This wasn’t working out the way he’d envisioned. Nothing was going right. There were tears in her eyes, for God’s sake.

“Marianne, don’t...” he began, reaching for her.

“Don’t you touch me, Ward Jessup,” she sobbed, sidestepping. “I’ve made an awful fool of myself, and I guess you had every reason to ask me what you did, but I don’t want to be any rich man’s kept woman, thanks.”

“Look here—” He started toward her again.

Instinctively her hands went out, and she pushed jerkily at his chest. Ordinarily it wouldn’t have moved him. But the riverbank was slick, and his boots went out from under him. He went over backward with a horrible splash.

Mari didn’t stay around to see how wet he was. She ran for her horse, fumbled for the reins from around the trunk of the tree and struggled into the saddle through a blur of tears.

Ward stood up, dripping wet, watching her ride away. He didn’t think he’d ever in his life felt so miserable or so stupid. It had seemed like a good idea, that proposition. He didn’t want marriage, he didn’t. For God’s sake, why did women have to have so much permanence? Why couldn’t they just enjoy themselves like men did? Then he thought about Mari “enjoying” herself with another man, and his face went ruddy with bad temper. He didn’t understand himself lately. But the sight of her riding away, almost certainly to a speedy departure from the ranch, made him feel hollow inside.

Mari rode home feeling just as hollow herself. She should have been flattered, she supposed, at such a generous offer. But she only felt cheap. Stupid, she told herself. You let him do whatever he wants and then get angry at him for making the obvious assumption. She hated herself for giving in, for giving him license to such intimacy. Her body had betrayed her, hungry for pleasure, and she’d lost her reason somewhere along the way. Now she was going to have to leave here. All because she hadn’t been sensible. All because she loved him too much to deny herself the ecstasy of his lovemaking.

“You’ve got a lot to answer for,” she told her body angrily. She could have died of shame. Now he’d be sure that she was an idiot.

What was she going to tell Lillian? Her heart sank. The older woman would be heartbroken. Mari closed her eyes, feeling the tears burn them. Why had she ever come here? It had begun so sweetly, only to end in such tragedy. Well, she’d made her bed. Now she’d have to try to lie in it. That wouldn’t be much comfort in the lonely years ahead. Leaving Ward Jessup behind would hurt more than anything else ever had. She’d loved him too much, and now she was going to lose him because of it. Because he didn’t want commitment and she did.

Perhaps she should have said yes, she thought miserably. Then she thought about how she’d feel, being kept, being used and then abandoned. No. It was better to never know him that way than to have a taste of him and lose him. It would only make things worse, and she’d never respect herself again. Oddly enough, she had a feeling that he wouldn’t have respected her, either. Pride would get her through, she promised herself. Yes. She still had that, even if her heart was shattered. She lifted her face and dried the tears on her sleeve. She had to think up some good excuse to go back to Georgia. Something that would give Lillian a reason to think she’d be back, which would keep her on the mend. Her eyes narrowed in deep thought as she approached the ranch house.

CHAPTER NINE

MARITHOUGHTSHEhad it down pat when she left her horse with one of the men at the stable and went into the house to tell Lillian she was leaving.

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