Page 22 of ForeverMN

“I pushed him into it,” I break and fall back on my bed, curling up. The sob in my chest makes my whole body shake and everything just hurts.

“I don’t understand,” She sits next to me, and runs her hand up and down my arm, soothingly.

“Before they left in October I went with Ciaran to our spot and we had a fight. I told him I wasn’t ready yet, that I just wanted some more time. I told him I wanted to see how things in Rogue go for us now that all these changes have been made. I made him feel that I didn’t want him if he was in Rogue. And then he got shot and…now he doesn’t want to be together at all. He said if I stayed with him I would grow to hate him for constantly being at risk and leaving for their missions.”

Oaklynn’s face screws up, “Haven’t we always known that? I thought we already established that yes, the biggest risk of all was loving them when they could literally die anytime they go out.”

My lungs shutter from my ragged breathing, “I know. I knew that. I chose this, to be with him.”

“I’m so confused, Say.” Oaklynn admits and takes my hand in hers, “I knew you were wanting to find your place, and findbalance before the wedding. I guess I didn’t think you were second guessing your whole life here.”

“It sounds so stupid, right? I knew what being Rogue meant. I love Ciaran though, so I wanted it. Then it was like the closer we kept pushing to more happiness, the more scared I got that it wouldn’t work out, and I’d lose him. I don’t know what to do,” I cry and cry and my best friend stays with me, eventually laying down next to me and wrapping her arms around my shoulders.

“You guys really need to talk,” Oaklynn whispers against my head and I cry harder. I don’t know how to face him. It breaks my heart more knowing he doesn’t even want to talk to me. “I love you, Say. Your family loves you too. We’re all here for you. You’re my priority whatever that looks like. Kai is torn right now, and so is your brother. I’m not saying you and Ciaran need to fix your shit for us. If you don’t want it anymore, it’s okay. But if you really want him still, and you know he’s probably pining over you too, then you both owe it to yourselves to sit down and talk.”

“I tried to talk to him. He said not to come over,” I mumble into her shirt, and wiped my hand over my eyes.”

Her brow jumps up, “And since when has my best friend backed down so easily? Of course he said that. The guy probably is as lost as you are. You need to go to him, and not give him a choice.”

I sigh knowing she’s right, and for the first time since I left his hospital room I feel an ember of fight flicker to life inside me. “I know. I’m going to. I need to get through the rest of this holiday for my parents first.”

“Honey, I think your parents would understand,” She chuckles lightly.

“Probably. My mom has been on eggshells the past few weeks.”

“We all just love you. We love you both,” Oaklynn responds with another squeeze of her arms around me.

She’s right. My parents are so nervous for me right now, along with everyone else. I never wanted to create a divide in Rogue, and that is what I’m scared is happening. That I caused it. Whether or not Ciaran and I can fix our relationship needs to be separate from the work we do, just as it always has been. Which means I need to get up. I need to wash my face and enjoy the holidays with my family. Once we go back to everyday life, I need to be able to concentrate on work, and work well with Ciaran and Rogue. Maybe by doing this I can show him that I was wrong. I can prove him right; that we do work. We do make sense. And I would give up a normal life all over again in order to be with him and to be in Rogue. I’m not giving up my happiness with Ciaran. I refuse to back down. Ciaran Jakobe better be prepared because I still intend to marry him this year.

Ciaran

Everything feels wrong. My days move slowly, and most of the time my mind is in a fog. I knew tearing my heart out was going to be painful, but I wasn’t prepared for the absolute torture of being without Saylor. Everyone is watching me, treating me like I’m glass, or in Jason’s case, glowering at me like I ruined the world. Maybe I did. I couldn’t do it anymore though. I couldn’t keep hurting the one person I love more than anything. I did not want to stick around and watch as she falls apart when her worst nightmare comes true. All I could think about since the minute I regained consciousness in that field was that Saylor had been right. I couldn’t promise something wouldn’t happen. I couldn’t keep my word that in the end both of us wouldn’t be hurt. So I did the one thing I should have done years ago, I let her go.

I made it past Christmas and New Years with as little contact with anyone as possible. I was aware of Saylor’s text, and her missed calls, but like a jackass, I didn’t respond. I didn’t know how to respond. We’re over and I know I’ll cave if I respond. I can’t do that to her. I need to be strong enough to stay away for both of us.

Silas and Kai tip-toe around me and it’s only a matter of time before they stop giving me space and I’ll have to talk to them about it. Kai is already skeptical of my reasoning for taking an assignment today, because of all days, its fucking Valentine’s Day. His eyes have been on me in the shop since I got here.

“You’re really going out on this?” He finally speaks.

Without glancing up from the gun I’m cleaning, I nod. “Someone has too. The threat level is unknown, but Reed had some intel for us.”

“Yeah but today? Why not wait until tomorrow or something? Maybe by then Reed will have more for us. I don’t think even Oaklynn has seen this yet to do any surveillance photos.”

“Don’t need them,” I shrug and keep cleaning, “It’s a simple in and out. If it becomes more we’ll pull back and wait.”

Kai is quiet again, his eyes flicking all over the screen in front of him. He wants to ask about Saylor. Remind me of what day it is. Like I could forget. Which is why I need to get out of here. I set the weapon down and get up to start packing my bag.

“Oh, he is still here,” Silas walks into the room, glancing from me to Kai before dropping his eyes to the bag in front of me. “You’re going to leave? Today?”

I stand to my full height and meet my best friend’s glare. Saylor is his sister, but we were friends first. We should still be friends, no matter what. “Someone has to. I figured you both would be busy this week so I would take a small team and do it myself.”

“You were shot just a few months ago,” Silas points out, which causes Kai’s chair to swivel in our direction.

“Boom.”

I raise my brow, “Boom what? I’m going. The team is ready and I want to get in front of whatever this is.”

“It’s the day of love. Today would be a perfect day to go to her so you both can work out your shit,” Silas pushes, Kai nodding his head in the background.

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