Page 13 of ForeverMN

“I’m not taking you to Mama’s Chicken ,” Ciaran’s eyes widen, horrified. “I haven’t seen you in weeks, tonight we’re eating in style.”

“Let me get cleaned up,” I laugh and scoot upstairs to the bathroom. In a few minutes I’m put back together, except now my eyes look dreamy, and there is a blush staining my cheeks.

Ciaran takes my hand and I follow him out to the truck. We hop in and pull out of the driveway. Once we get to the main road, Ciaran takes a left, and soon we’re heading out of town on the highway toward the cities.

“Fancy,” I smirk at him and whistle. “Are you sure you want to be this far away right now? What if something happens?”

Ciaran’s eyes slide over me, “Nothing will happen. Everyone is settled, I checked with Matt and your dad about the security around the border. Matt heard from Reed, and everything is good on his end too. We can take a night off from Rogue, Say.”

“I feel like you say that, but in the back of your mind you’re still running through protocol,” I smirk at him, my head falling to rest against my seat.

Ciaran smiles but keeps his eyes on the road, “I don’t know how not to run through protocol every day. But I can be here with you. And when I’m home, and we can get away, I want to make sure we get that time.”

I nod my head in agreement. Our lives are complicated and he’s right. If we’re given the gift of time to ourselves, I want to take advantage of it too. We talk easily the rest of the drive, and once we reach the restaurant, I’m surprised by Ciaran’s choice. Tiki torches line the walkway to the back patio. We find a seat and I can see the huge river rushing past us nearby.

“You like it?”

“Love it,” I tell him, “I haven’t been here in ages.”

“We don’t get to come down here often anymore, but I know you liked it when you went to school here,” he shrugs, like he isn’t the best boyfriend in the world for remembering my letters to him.Fiancé.My mind reminds me. Ciaran is myfiancé.

“You’re amazing,” I tell him, his grip on my hand tightens.

We order food and drinks, and soon Ciaran’s eyes light up and he leans closer, “So we didn’t get to talk about it yet, but how did it go?”

My mind blanks. “How did what go?” I laugh lightly.

Ciaran’s head tilts, his smile dimming, “Looking at houses, babe.”

My heart squeezes. My hands slide into my lap. The world feels like it’s closing in. “Ci, with everything going on with Mila, and the new targets, I canceled the house tours.”

I watch as Ciaran slowly retreats into himself, his body angles back in the chair and his eyes blaze with disappointment. “You didn’t go?” I shake my head, the words getting stuck in my throat.

“Saylor, how are we supposed to find a place, and finally be able to start sharing our lives together?” His tone is low, but I can feel confusion in his words. I did this to him. I knew not going would hurt him, and that’s why I haven’t been able to tell him since he got back.

“I’m sorry. Everything with Mila and my family took my focus away. Then you guys were gone and it was a tough mission. The clients needed me when you got back, and I forgot to reschedule,” I explain and hope he’ll see it from my perspective too. Everything has been chaotic in Rogue, just like it always is.

I watch Ciaran’s head bow and his eyes fall to his plate. Without looking, or speaking to me, he finishes his food, but my stomach is twisted in knots. He grabs the check from the server and pays our bill. Our walk back to the truck is silent. I wrap my arms around my middle until I get in the passenger seat. Ciaran starts the engine while I watch him, but he refuses to meet my gaze.

“Ci—”

“Do you want to live with me? Do you even want to get married?”

My teeth dig into my bottom lip, and every suppressed emotion I have been feeling bubbles to the surface. I can’t explain to him how everything in my mind feels torn in two, but that my heart belongs to him. We’ve barely started to find ourselves, and the further I walk into the Rogue world, the more I start to wonder if I’m built for this. It took Erika and Matt fifteen years to get on the same page. My mom and Jason were apart for nineteen years before they were able to reconcile. No one I know has been part of Rogue and not had it be a struggle to be happy and be together. Rogue always comes first. Why would anything be any different for Ciaran and me? What makes us so special that we won’t hurt each other, or lose ourselves in this world?

“I love you, Ciaran. I want to marry you. I just think we’re moving so fast, and it’s too much for me. I’m worried about my family. I’m worried about my position, and if I’m doing what is best for my targets, and Rogue. I want our lives together to be made by us, and not just about the business.”

Ciaran’s shoulders sag, his eyes remain on the rows of cars in front of us. He doesn’t talk the rest of the drive back to Savage Lakes. For the first time in a long time, driving past the city sign doesn’t feel like home to me.

Saylor

Reed finally reached out to Matt and told him he knows Mila’s whereabouts. Matt isn’t happy. My dad isn’t happy, and my mom is a bouncing ball of nervous energy. It’s been a month of her being gone, and us being worried about her, and wondering if she is alive. Besides her bogus note that we shouldn’t worry about her, she hasn’t reached out. I’m furious with her, while at the same time, I want to hug her for being alive.

On top of it all, I wasn’t the one Ciaran reached out to; he called my mom to set up the mission. After our disastrous date night, we’ve barely talked, unless it’s about Rogue. Not that I blame him. I can see why he’s mad, but I also feel entitled to my feelings. Glancing down at the ring on my finger is like physically feeling the weight of the decisions I made.

“Matt is on his way,” My mom breezes into the room and grabs her purse from the kitchen table. “Are you ready?”

“Yup,” I stand and grab my own bag, “Let’s find out what’s been going on.”

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