Page 31 of ForeverMN

She laughs gently, and her cheeks flush the sweetest pink. I miss that blush. I hate that I don’t see it as much as I could have. “I tried. Don’t tell my dad or Silas, please.”

“Not a chance,” I chuckle with her, ignoring the way my heart twists painfully. Fuck I miss her. I miss us. “I’ll get it done quick if you need to leave.”

Her eyes widen before her lips clamp shut. “Ah, no. I decided to stay in. Long day.”

She shifts on her feet uncomfortably, probably not wanting me to be here. Despite our history, I am her ex-boyfriend. I take the device from her hands and sit down to start working with it at the small kitchen table she has. Saylor goes to the fridge and grabs a water bottle before heading to the couch. She turns on one of the reality tv shows she likes, and the silence that fills the air is comforting. Like this is how life should always be. The anger and the hurt I’ve been holding down for months threatens to bubble to the surface. I wanted this life with her. All I had pictured for us was nights like these where we are at home doing regular domestic things while Rogue sits in the background. It is not lost on me that since I entered the house, my worry and anxiousness around the mission that is waiting for me, has decreased. Having Saylor with me always brought me a sense of calm in the chaos we lived in.

My fingers fumble over one of the wires and the device almost slips. Saylor glances at me, her brow raised.

“Everything okay?”

“Yeah,” I manage to mumble out. She doesn’t deserve the anger I feel. But it’s hard to hold all of it on my own. “So what made you decide to finally move?”

My words carry more bite than I intended, and judging by the slight hurt in her eyes, she feels it. Saylor glances down at her hands before muting the tv.

“You, actually.”

I didn’t expect that, and suddenly my mouth feels dry. “Me?”

She nods. “You moved out of Matt’s on your own. After you left again, I realized you were right. What was I staying at myparents’ for, besides making my mom happy? But they didn’t need me there.”

Her words are soft, but I feel each one like a bullet. Me moving gave her the courage to also do the same, just not until it was too late. My chest tightens and my jaw clenches with the strength of emotion I’m feeling.

“Ci,” She gets up and moves closer to me. I feel my heart beat harder with every step she takes. Her fingers clutch the ends of her sweatshirt and she bites her bottom lip. That alone makes me want to drop to my knees for her. “That’s only part of the truth.”

My eyes jump to hers and I see the slight shimmer of tears in her eyes. “What’s the other part?”

“I did decide it was time to leave my parents. But I also wanted to show you that I was ready for you. I know you don’t want me right now, Ci, but I’m here. I’m not giving up on us.”

My entire body hums with pain and confusion, and I can’t stop the way my hands reach for her. The small whimper of her answering pain, that matches mine, escapes her mouth and snaps what is left of the control I had been holding on to. I know it isn’t right. I know we have so many things to talk about and to work on, but I can’t stop myself from taking what we both need.

My hand bands around her waist, bringing her body into mine. The minute her curves fit against my harder planes, I’m lost. My hand fists the back of her hair and our lips meet in a soul consuming kiss. I feel like my body is finally taking what it needs after months of starving for the woman who makes me whole. Saylor moans into our kiss and I pull her closer to me. Her hands run over my shoulders, down my back, trailing heat in their wake. This kiss, this moment, is bringing me back to life. I need her. Just her. If only things were easier.

Regretfully, I pull back, my eyes taking in her closed lids, the deep blush covering her cheeks and trailing down her neck, theway her chest rises and falls for me. I’ve been stabbed, and taken a bullet, but that pain is nothing like taking my hands off of Saylor. Her eyes open, slowly, as if waking from a dream.

“Ci–”

“I’m not sorry. I shouldn’t have though,” the words are hard coming from my mouth.

Her head shakes and she reaches out to touch me. “I wanted it. I want you. Please tell me how we can fix this.”

The brokenness in her voice tears my soul. I wish it were that simple. I wish I hadn’t hurt her by being me. With everything going on right now it’s even more unsafe for those closest to us. Rogue is on the brink of danger. Keeping Saylor safe, and far away from the situation in New York, is a top priority. Maybe though, maybe when it’s all over, there will be a way for us to figure our shit out.

Taking another step back, I hold her hands in one of mine, squeezing gently. “I’m heading back soon. This whole thing is still a mess, and it’s dangerous. I don’t want to promise anything when I’m not sure what the future holds.”

Her eyes bounce around mine. “Are you telling me you don’t think you’ll come back?”

“I can’t promise you I will. And I never want to break a promise to you, Say,” I manage to get out, without my voice breaking.

Her breath stutters and tears fill her eyes. Saylor glances around her space before shaking her head. “So don’t promise me. Tell me the truth, and I’ll hold onto your heart until you come back. I’ll keep our dreams safe.”

Fuck she’s killing me. Everything in my body screams to give in. “And what if I can’t Saylor? We tried that, and I got hurt. It’s not like we haven’t done everything we could to make things work. We tried. It didn’t work, and we’re still stuck at the fact that I don’t want to hurt you.” My voice raises, and the angerand frustration that has been holding my chest in a vise grip, threatens to explode.

“Your system is fixed. Tell Silas that he needs to reset the password and it should run. I have to go,” I tell her, avoiding her gaze, and her pull on my hands. I need to escape before I can’t be strong enough for the both of us. My hand reaches for the door when I feel her arms wrap around my chest behind me.

“I love you, Ciaran. I will always wait for you.”

My vision blurs with hot angry tears. How many times has she uttered those words to me since I broke her heart? And each time I have to pull away from her when all I want is to sink to my knees and worship her. Even now, I swallow down the painful lump of emotion and let my body soak up the feel of hers one last time. It’s a dick move, but I walk out of her embrace, and out the door. I hear the finality of the click and then the lock behind me. A hollowness fills my chest. It’s agony. I realize this is a small taste of what my life will be like without her in it. It’s better though than the fear and heartbreak in her eyes from that day at the lake. If Rogue isn’t safe, neither is Saylor, or our families. My resolve strengthens the further I get from her even while my heart feels like it’s dying inside of me.

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