Page 21 of ForeverMN

“It happened so fast, Say. One minute I was up, and the next I don’t remember. Kai said I was shot, and on the way down I hit my head on a rock. I could have died. Right before I passed out, all I thought about was you, and how right you were. It’s unfair to expect you to be okay with knowing this might happen at any given moment. I can’t do that to you. I already stole so much from you.”

“How did you steal anything from me?” I scoff, and move closer to his bed.

“I made you stay here. I kept you in this life. It wasn’t what you wanted.”

“Yes it was, it is Ciaran. I was there for the conversation too, I chose to come back. I chose to stay,” I remind him, like I had to remind myself. The scene playing out so vividly in my memory.

“I shouldn’t have asked you,” Ciaran’s voice turns hollow. He looks defeated. I hardly recognize the man sitting in front of me, talking to me. “We can’t be happy. Love and Rogue don’t go together. You know it, I know it. I don’t want you to stay here for me anymore.”

“And what am I supposed to do, Ci?” I feel my anger rising, tears stinging my eyes again. “Huh?”

He shakes his head, “Anything you want. If you need to start over, I’ll give you the money to.”

“I don’t want money, Ciaran. I have an established practice here. I’m part of Rogue. I’m not walking away.”

“Good then,” His head tilts, studying me. I want to gag at the lack of emotion he holds for me, while I’m practically ready to break down in front of him, “You’re an asset to Rogue. Your practice is exactly what our targets need when they first get here. Our community relies on you to help them through theadjustment. You’re good at your job, Say. Silas, Kai, Me, we’re proud of you.” His voice wavers slightly when more tears start coursing down my cheeks. My heart is hammering in my chest refusing to believe this is happening to us. “Still, I think it’s time we end things between us, before you hate me, and I resent you.”

“Why would I hate you, and why would you resent me?” I choke out, I can’t hold back the sobs anymore.

“I can’t walk away from Rogue. I never will. This could happen again, or worse. I’ll break my promise to you. You’ll feel like you come second. Even if we got married someday, or have a family, Rogue will still be in our lives. You’ll grow to hate it, and by extension, me. And if I walk away someday, because I would for you, Saylor, I would if you asked me, and then you hate me, I’ll resent you for making me leave. That’s my worst fear.”

“Ciaran…”

“Let’s break up, Say,” He breathes out, his fingers grip the bed cover, “Let’s save each other this time.”

“I don’t want to, I love you,” I tell him, hating myself for sounding like I’m begging him, unable to let go.

“I’ll always love you, too. I can’t do this anymore though. It’s not fair to you, or me. We want different things, and I can’t force you to believe me, to trust me.”

My heart shatters there on the hospital floor. The fears I’d been running from for so long reflect back at me in little, pointy shards. The words I had thought, the secrets I had kept guarded to myself, are broken around us. Only in my head, it was always Ciaran rushing to make things better, to piece us together. Like the coward I’ve become, I turn and flee the hospital room, ignoring Silas, my dad, Kai, Matt, who are all calling after me. Swearing, and trying to get me to stop, but I can’t. I’m lost. My heart is broken, my soul is slowly dying. I need Ciaran. I love him. I never pictured a future where he wasn’t part of my life. It’s been me and him in all my dreams, in all my hopes and wishesas we got older and navigated this life. Another sob breaks from my throat as I finally reach my car, and slide back inside. My fingers grip the steering wheel, my vision blurring with hot tears that slide down my now chilled cheeks. After everything I put us through, he broke up with me. I made him feel like he wasn’t enough when he has always been the only thing I was ever sure about. He’s done. We’re done. And that’s the saddest ending I could ever dream of.

Saylor

The voices in the room lower, and all I can hear is my own breathing and the blood rushing in my ears. The box in my hand drops from my grasp and tears sting my eyes. Everything hurts, and at the same time my body, my heart, feels numb. The same way I’ve felt since Ciaran broke up with me in the hospital.

To say our friends and family were shocked was an understatement. My mom instantly wanted to comfort me by removing all the wedding planning booklets and bridal magazines from the house. Oaklynn stayed with me for a week straight, hugging me while I fell asleep crying into my pillow. Lux flew home as soon as she could once Silas told her. We’ve had a few girls’ days since then as well. Even though my family is there for me, I can still tell that they tip-toe around me like I’m made of glass. No one pushes me to talk or explain. I wasn’t sure what Ciaran had told them, or if he explained the truth to them at all. I was to blame for this.

Christmas and New Years were the worst. It was as if our family didn’t know how to celebrate, or what was appropriate. My immediate family spent the days together, Ciaran and Matt stayed at their house. Oaklynn, Kai, Lux and Silas bounced between us all. It was awkward and horrible.

No one believed us at first. I didn’t believe it at first. Now, here I was a month later, numb, shattered, my heart in chaos, with a venue booked and my fiancé broke off our engagement.Ciaran and I weren’t talking. When he was discharged from hospital he asked that I not come over when I offered. I didn’t realize until then how much it pained me not to be able to see him every day because he didn’t want it. He didn’t want me. It turns out my greatest fear was having Ciaran here, living, but not loving me.

“Say,” Oaklynn says my name gently, her eyes still glued to the small, glass ornament in my hands. When I had ordered it on that day, my plan was to give it to Ciaran for our future tree, in our future house. The one the listing closed for, and another happy couple moved into. The one I had picked on my own and had wanted to surprise Ciaran with. I had wanted him to see that I was in this with him. That I was trying and ready to meet him where he had been waiting for me, steadily, for months.

“I..” my voice trails off and I swallow the emotion that is stuck in my throat. “It’s nothing.”

Oaklynn watched me, her eyes assessing every move I make. Carefully I bend over and pick up the box and place the ornament back inside and seal it up. I cradle it in my arms, and will more tears not to come.

“Are you sure this is what you want,” Oaklynn quietly asks me.

My heart burns in my chest. This is not at all what I wanted. I pushed so hard for things to slow down because of my fears. One of which came true. Ciaran was shot in the field and was hospitalized. I will forever remember the way that felt when I learned what happened. In the past I would have felt validated for my concerns, but not that day. All I wanted to do was get closer to him, promise him I was never leaving, and I only wanted him for the rest of my life.

I glance at my best friend and feel the heartbreak hit me all over again. I can’t even make myself happy for the holidays because all I want is him. I shake my head. “No.”

Oaklynn huffs and crosses her arms over her chest, she eyes me warily, “Then you both need to sit your stubborn asses down and talk.”

“It’s not that simple,” I tell her, my eyes straying over to my family who are still looking on. Some of them can’t look at me, and others are holding back their own emotions. My mom meets my tearful gaze with her own. Her hand held tightly in my dad’s. Without a word I head up to my room and tuck the package safely in my dresser.

“What is happening?” Oaklynn asks from my doorway. She shuts it behind her and the mumbling of everyone else continues on downstairs.

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