Page 19 of ForeverMN

Purple hair flashes in my mind.

I fall to my knees.

The ground rises closer and my head hits something hard on the way down.

Everything goes black.

I should have let her go…

Saylor

The first snowfall always makes the world quiet. Peaceful. Hopeful. I wrap my blanket tighter around my shoulders and watch the huge, fluffy, white flakes dust over the ground. It’s only the first snow of the year, and I doubt all of it will stick, but I wish it would. While some find the snow dangerous, or annoying, signaling the death of summer and fall, I find it beautiful. A sign that we keep going, and when the snow melts everything will come to life again.

“Beautiful, isn’t it,” My dad asks, and I glance over my shoulder right as he steps out the door. He’s wearing a jacket, his hands wrapped around a steaming mug of coffee.

I nod my head in answer, “Mom send you out here?”

He shrugs, unable to lie to me. Ever since I accepted Jason as my actual father, our bond has been strong. He wanted to make up for lost time, giving me more love than I could ever imagine. He’s also apologized a thousand times, and berated himself for not being a better man. I don’t think he needs to try, he is a good man, and a great father.

“She’s just worried. It’s been an adjustment without Mila around, and now the guys have been gone for so long without communication,” His voice is gruff, almost as if this conversation is too touchy-feely for him.

I smile, “I’m okay, dad. I promise.”

“Okay,” he nods and wraps an arm around my shoulders, before handing me the mug of coffee. “They come home tomorrow.”

My shoulders sag a little. Things between Ciaran and I haven’t been the best since our night at the lake two months ago. When we left that night I thought we would have time for me to show him what I meant. That things weren’t changing, and we were moving forward, but slower, at a pace I could handle. We never got the chance. A few days later he was sent on a red level mission. I knew this meant training, odd hours, and a level of secrecy that limited our communication. We barely talked for a month. A few texts here and there, but he didn’t call, which I guess can be expected. It’s now been two weeks since the mission ended. They had their debrief in the field, and were heading home. In a few more weeks, around twenty new targets would be moving into various homes.

“I still can’t believe that a couple, an actual married couple, were taking men and selling parts on the black-market. What has been up with all these missions this year?”

My dad chuckles, “There is never an answer. People do horrible things. Reed just happens to be on this circuit right now I guess.”

“I guess,” I huff and shake my head. “Dad, can I ask you something?”

He glances over at me, a reassuring smile on his lips, “Anytime, Say. You know that.”

I do know that. He would do anything for me. Listen to all my problems over and over again, and offer advice when he can. “How did you know you wanted to be part of Rogue? All the stories I heard, it was Matt’s family’s business. Then mom and you came along, and suddenly there was the brainchild to make Rogue. But mostly it sounds like Matt and Mom were all about it, and you got sucked in.”

This makes him laugh, a deep, throaty chuckle. He points at the chairs for us to sit in. I follow him over and we sit. He drags a hand over his face, his eyes lighting up with memories. “They did drag me into it. But I would have chosen Rogue over and over again. My parents were already helping in the business before their marriage crumbled, and well, you know the story. But Matt and Kelly’s vision was something I could really see the benefit in. Matt’s dad and grandfather did the best they could, but technology was changing, the military was changing, and the bad guys were adapting faster than we were. I always believed in the family business. But listening to your mom and Matt talk about the future…it was too good not to be part of.”

I understand the feeling. It has been the same feeling I have carried in my heart since I first arrived at Matt’s doorstep when I was seventeen. I had a crash course learning about Rogue, but even then I could see all the good they were doing in the world. It opened my eyes to many dark and disturbing things too. But the good they were doing outweighed the bad. It’s part of the reason why I stayed. I wanted to help, I wanted to pay it forward. I want to make a difference in the lives of kids and families just like me. The memory of our conversation from when I wanted to stay plays in my head.

I grabbed his hand. “Can we work on it at least? I want you to trust me like I trust you, Ci. I trust Rogue, and I’m serious about joining, once Matt lets me.”

“I don’t want to lose you, Say.” His jaw clenched, and his eyes bore into mine, until I felt his love for me reaching my soul and wrapping around it. “I’m nervous you’ll change your mind. I’m more freaked out that you’ll get hurt, and I won’t be here.”

“I know you’d never let anything happen to me.”

“But it destroyed you and mom,” My eyes fill with tears while I choke out the words. I can’t hide my fears from him.

He sighs, and I can tell it’s hard for him. “Rogue didn’t destroy us. Fate didn’t destroy us. I made a mistake because I felt undeserving of your mom and Rogue. It sucked, Say. It hurt. It was the most painful part of my life. I regret the pain, and time, I put us through, but I wouldn’t change it. I have Silas. I have you. And eventually Kelly and I found our way back together. You can’t predict how life is going to go, Say. At some point you just need to let go and live. If you love Ciaran, and want to marry him, don’t waste time. Figure out the semantics later. You want to live with him, great. Enjoy it now.”

“But what if everyone gets mad about money—”

“Say, no one in Rogue cares if your hard earned paycheck goes to a wedding, or a house,” My dad laughs, but his eyes are all seriousness. “Plus, I have my own savings I want to give you, and so does your mom. Ciaran has been setting aside his own savings for years, long before you showed up. Get over it, and trust him. If you love him, trust him.”

“Thanks dad,” I reach over to hug him. Everything in my body feels ten times lighter once his arms circle around me. I know what feels right now.

“You sure you want to wait until next year, honey?” Bernice takes my check for the deposit on the venue. It’s one of the newer spaces right outside of town, but close enough for people to be able to drive home. The enormous white shed had been gutted and renovated a few years back. It contains enough space for the crowd we’ll be inviting, a dance floor, and bar. The inside is bare, and ready to be decorated however each bride and groom who rents it wants it to look. My mind swirls thinking of the soft twinkle lights, candles, greenery, and maybe a few Christmas trees. With a blanket of snow we’re guaranteed around that time of year, it will be the perfect backdrop.

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