Page 86 of I Am Sin

But Diana Steel has no need or use for a boy toy. That kind of life would just make me hate myself anyway.

It took me a long time not to hate myself. Especially after my relapse. I’ve still got a long way to go, but I can at least tolerate myself these days. Barely, but it is what it is.

After an hour of walking, I’m on the edge of downtown. I’ve walked this way before, and I’ve spent time browsing the music store.

What the hell? I’ll go in and see if they need any drumming instructors.

I’ve had private students before, back home on the western slope—students whose parents didn’t think to ask what my education is.

Students whose parents have usually heard me play with Dragonlock and know I’m good.

But here in the store? They may want someone with a degree in music, like Jesse and Rory have.

I walk in anyway, instinctively heading straight for the displays of drum sets.

I have a pretty decent set of drums back home. I couldn’t take my own set for our tour in Europe. We used rentals. Not that it mattered since I only played one concert.

Fuck. I don’t want to go there right now. My therapist has told me time and again to leave the past in the past and focus on today.

If Jesse had kicked me out of the band, I wouldn’t have had a lot of complaints. He had every right to. But he didn’t. He was mad as a rabid dog for sure. But he got over it. He valued our friendship enough to give me another chance. Not to mention asking me to be his best man.

I swear to God, I will never let him down again.

Tim always says it has to be more about not lettingmyselfdown, not another person. Whatever.

My own self-worth was the least of Jesse’s problems when I pulled that stunt in Europe. So why shouldIgive a rat’s ass about it now?

I sigh. I’ve got a long way to go.

Which is why this thing with Diana can’t happen. How can I expect another person to accept me when I can barely tolerate myself?

I stroll through the drums, admiring them, and then head toward the sheet music section. I can spend hours here. Sheet music is like crack to me.

Damn, bad reference.

A new guitar and percussion piece stands out—or rather, its title does.

Griffin Sanctuary.

And of course I can’t help myself. I pick it up and take a look.

Already, I can see it has a mythological vibe to it. It’s entirely instrumental, no vocals at all. Already I know that Dragonlock will never perform it, seeing as our main selling point is Jesse and Rory’s combined vocals. But I look through the piece anyway, mesmerized by its intricacies.

The opening riff from the drum sets the scene, driving an intensely even rhythm section that propels the listener forward as if they’re on the wings of the griffin. The drums then take center stage, commanding attention with earsplitting fills and funky grooves. Then the guitar riffs soar, weaving melodies over the pulsating rhythm section. Bass lines answer the guitar’s question with a thunderous rumble.

Wow. What a beginning. It’s like I’m reading the score to an epic film.

My heartbeat increases as I continue perusing the music. In the middle section, the instruments combine into a crescendo of raw energy and emotion, and then the drums unleash a barrage of rocking fills and driving rhythms, while the guitars wail and scream atonally.

But I almost drop the music to the floor when I reach the ending. Instead of finishing with a bang, the music slowly dies down until it fades into complete silence. As if the titular griffin has found its sanctuary—or maybe it’s been slain by some stronger beast and has limped off into a tragic yet noble death.

Just like my own Griffin, I don’t know what happens at the end. An invisible cord wraps around my heart.

God… Who wrote this? And why is it eerily reminiscent of the beast of burden inside me that I’ve tried to quell my entire life?

I turn back to the front page of the score. The composer’s name is Dennis Friedrich. No one I’ve ever heard of. But Dragonlock plays mostly original songs with the occasional cover. So even though I love looking at sheet music, I rarely buy any.

I certainly can’t spend any money today—I don’t have any—just because this piece of music stands out to me. I should put it down.

---