Page 81 of I Am Sin

They never knew what I really felt about Griffin. Like she was a little angel—light to my darkness.

I never would’ve hurt her.

In fact, I?—

No. I shake my head, letting the water drizzle over me. No more thinking about that shit right now. I turn up the temperature on the water, get a rush from the scalding heat.

That’s how I like my showers—scalding. That’s another thing I’ve talked to my therapist about. My need to constantly cleanse the bad stuff from me.

The problem is? It can’t be done. Hot showers feel good. But afterward, nothing really changes.

I clean my body, shampoo my long hair, and rinse off.

As I expected, Diana doesn’t join me, and also as I expected, when I leave the bathroom…

She’s gone.

We don’t have to talk about what happened between us. Just as well, because I have no more desire to do that than I’m sure she does.

What can I say? I told her what would happen. I told her I’d give her a good hard fuck, that I’d take her to hell.

She let me do it.

I gave her several outs. She didn’t take any of them.

What’s done is done, and I can’t bring myself to regret it.

How can I regret something that was one of the most spectacular experiences of my life?

I’m a guy. Consequently I love fucking.

But what Diana and I shared went so far beyond that. I won’t use some stupid euphemism like making love. I can only say that she took me to a place I’ve never been.

And it wasn’t hell.

It was a place I’d like to revisit.

But a place I’ll probably have to let live in my memory.

I get dressed quickly in jeans and a black button-down shirt. The sun is shining, of course, as it usually does in Colorado. I have no idea where I’m going, but I need to get something to eat.

What the hell? I bought groceries yesterday. I should eat here because the money’s already been spent.

My stuff is still packed. If Diana wants me to leave, I will. But not before I sample some of the groceries I paid for.

I walk out, looking to the right and then to the left. The door to Diana’s bedroom is closed, so I assume she’s in there. I don’t hear the shower running, but why would I? She has a huge en suite bathroom, and I probably can’t hear anything from here. I head into the kitchen and open the refrigerator. I take out the loaf of bread I bought plus a package of Black Forest ham and Colby-Jack cheese.

I bring all my ingredients over to the counter, search through the drawers until I find a plate, and assemble my sandwich. I grab a glass, get some water from the refrigerator door, and sit down on one of the barstools in front of the granite island.

I look over my shoulder toward Diana’s room.

The door is still closed.

My guess is she won’t come out until I’m gone. Or at least back in my room.

Is she embarrassed? Sorry that we did what we did?

I’m neither.

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