Page 39 of A Conflict of Interest

I looked down. “I just didn’t want to make you deal with me if you didn’t want to. You said you didn’t want to see me around and I wanted to… respect that.”

“You kept telling me all the time as Nic that Veronica was wrong, that I was intelligent and worthwhile and good at what I did, and that I wasn’t just good for my body and my money… so, why? Why disagree with yourself?”

I grimaced. “Well… I wanted you to hear it. I mean, if I could have had anything I wanted, I actually wanted you to believe it. I said a lot of really unfair things just to try to make you hate me and drive you away, but they weren’t true. I just… guess I wanted to clean up my own mess, even just a little.”

She pursed her lips, eyes quivering, and I wanted to break down just seeing that, overwhelmed with this feeling that shecould notcry, I wanted her to be happy no matter what. “Why didn’t you just tell me asyourself,then? Say you were wrong and that you take them back?”

“Well… because of two things.”

“Okay…”

“One, is because I’m too… scared. I was too scared. Scared to own my feelings and… I don’t know… put them in a place where people could see them and know they’re me. I’m not good at that… I’ve never been good at that. I hide away from it, at all costs.”

She stared at me for a long time before she said, “You’re doing it now, though… aren’t you?”

I closed my eyes. “You’ll probably throw me again for saying this, but… our conversations… helped me out a lot. As Nic. Getting a safe space to put my feelings out there… um… helped. I’ve gotten to a point where—well.” I flushed, hunching my shoulders. “That’s not important. I won’t harp on about it.”

She leaned over the table towards me, and I thought that if Heaven existed, then the radiance of the pearly gates must have been inspired by the glow of Kelcey’s eyes in the low light of my apartment. “Harp on about it,” she said, and I blinked.

“I beg your pardon?”

“That’s an order. I’m very bossy.”

“First ordering hot chocolate and then ordering harping.”

She smiled wider. “I just said, I’m very bossy! Keep up.”

I’d keep up with her going anywhere… I swallowed. “Um. Well.” I looked away. “I’ve gotten to a point where I can say I’m, uh, bisexual. Openly and everything. I told Anna. It’s nothing important…”

“Oh my god, Veronica, thatisimportant. Stop lying,” she said, her voice fond. Fond? Of what? It wasn’t me. “It’s a really big deal that you were able to do that… and I won’t lie, it honestly makes me feel good to know that I was able to help you. Even in the whole stupid situation of you beingNic, outreach coordinator.”

I looked away. “You give me credit I don’t deserve…”

“I know it’s been, um. Complicated, for you. I mean…” She looked away, drumming her fingers on the outside of her mug, her soft pink manicure sweetly sophisticated. I really fell for a girl who put bows in her hair and got cute manicures, huh? The younger version of me who saidI don’t want to date, I just want to get ravaged by big strong menwould be appalled. “You meant what you said, didn’t you? As Nic… everything about how hard it was to come to terms with dating a woman.”

“Uh… yeah. I’ve been told by quite a few sources now that the things I do are actually pretty gay.”

“A little bit, yeah, but… either way, you’re here now. And I’m really glad you’ve made it here.”

I distracted myself with my hot chocolate, sipping it slowly. I was pretty upset with it, actually. It was delicious, but I couldn’t focus on it with Kelcey here saying soft, sweet things like that to me. “Thank you…” I mumbled, sitting up taller and clearing my throat. “And the second thing…”

“What second thing?”

“The second reason I didn’t tell you as me.”

“Oh yeah. I’d forgotten what conversation we’d even been on.” She stifled a laugh. “Um… what’s the second thing?”

“The second thing is that you probably didn’t actually want to hear anything from me as Veronica. You’d have thrown me.”

She laughed, flushing as she looked down, fidgeting awkwardly. “No… um… okay, maybe. Yeah, that’s a good point.”

“It was a hell of a throw.”

“I was inspired with sheer righteous fury. To be fair, I was only mostly mad at you! I was also reasonably mad at your mother.”

“Oh, true. Me too.”

She looked down, staring into her mug, cupping it in both hands. “So… please tell me seriously. Do you mean it?” she said, her voice so soft and small it was almost snatched away. “That you think I’m… good for something. Other than my money, my family…”

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