Page 21 of A Conflict of Interest

I swallowed after I sent it, shifting anxiously, wondering if I should have deleted the message and hoped she hadn’t read the whole thing yet, but she replied,I don’t know, but I know I feel the same way,and my heart jumped, missing a beat and catching up at double time. She felt the same way… probably not in all the ways I did. Talking to her felt like all the best things about talking to Veronica, felt like those soft little moments we’d have where she let her guards down and let me in and we were beautiful, we were perfect… it wasn’t quite the same without Veronica’s soft, warm eyes looking into mine, but I had to move on. Ihadto.

thanks for sticking around… it means a lot.I kept typing, my hands going on ahead without me.My grandfather has a lot of money and connections, and I’m kind of realizing they only hired me because of him, and they all think I’m stupid and can’t do anything right, and I spend all my time feeling useless. I felt like maybe I had a chance with this job, but my ex showed up and her mother was there too trying to get us together and I just lost my temper a little bit and now everyone is going to treat me like a pariah… which I guess is kind of deserved, but I don’t want to be a useless idiot just kept around for her grandfather.

It was definitely too much. But Nic was the sweetest person alive, and she replied with,I don’t think you’re useless, and evenif they did hire you because of your connections, it doesn’t mean you’re stupid.She kept typing, and I watched anxiously as she sent,and I’m on your side. If they try to take you off the project, I’m going to complain, say that you’ve been especially good to work with and a strong, clear communicator, and that I want to keep working with you.

I pursed my lips.thank you, but I can’t keep staying here just because of other people representing me well!

She replied right away.then let’s do something else,she sent.I’m going to work overtime and make sure we have a starter for that video over the weekend. I want them to see that you can get stuff done, including by mobilizing other people to do their parts.

I lurched, a little, a nervous sensation spiking up inside me, as I held the phone tighter.nic, you hate working regular time, let alone overtime!!

She replied with laughing emojis, and,that’s how you know you’ve got me thoroughly suckered in

Oh, god, I had her thoroughly suckered in. Well… that went both ways. I bit my lip, kicking nervously, excitedly, at the floor.I don’t know what I’m supposed to be doing in return for you!!

just talking to you is already pretty great

okay, denied. I have to do SOMETHING. you said you like having someone to share honestly how you feel about things. tell me something you normally don’t share?? I want my chance to be supportive

She started typing and stopped a few times before, an eternity later, she responded,I’m kind of insecure about dating girls, actually.

Oh, god, she didn’t want to date me. I mean—obviously she didn’t, we didn’t really know each other, beyond this. And that was also not what she meant.you mean, like, being bisexual?

labeling it as bisexual or anything feels weird… I always feel anxious about it. the last girl I was with was the first time I was really with a woman… I’d never thought I would be. I still feel awkward about admitting that I was with a woman.

that sounds exhausting… I really like being bisexual and the bisexual label and everything. but if you don’t feel comfortable with the label, then that’s okay!! do you think you could feel that way about a girl again?

I don’t know… but I definitely still feel that way about her, so I guess I have to admit that there’s something there.It took a second before she sent,I’m a little bit queer, I guess,and then,I think that’s the first time I’ve really put that down in writing somewhere

well, thank you for telling me,I sent, along with a line of heart emojis.it means a lot to be the person you trust with that!

see, normally I’m not good with that, either,she sent.talking about like “oh, thank you for telling me, I accept you whatever you are and whatever you feel, it means a lot to me,” but coming from you, like this, it actually feels really nice

Iwassomething nice in her life. How about that?

Maybe I wasn’t that dumb after all. Maybe I was Kelcey Huntington, and maybe that meant something other than just being the granddaughter of Stanley Huntington. A while ago, Anna had said my strengths lay in people… reading people, knowing what people needed, making them feel safe and comfortable. And I thought that sounded really nice—like something I could see myself doing.

I liked that.

let’s microdose sappy emotional stuff,I sent.we each send each other a really loaded emotional message and then we move on and get to talking about that video for the weekend, and that way we can build up an immunity to feeling icky around feelings.

ooohh, building an immunity to the poison!! you’re clever

I couldn’t get enough of Nic telling me I was smart.I know, right??I sent, and then,do you want to go first, or should I?

She went first.this means a lot to me, and I’m really happy we met and that I get to talk like this… I feel like I’m kind of figuring out how to be myself around a person this way.

I was going to scream, throw the phone, curl up in the corner and roll around on the floor. But that would be weird. And Nic needed me to be normal and chill right now.it means a lot to me too,I sent,and I always feel really insecure around my intelligence and my worth, and you make me feel like I’m intelligent and capable, and that means more to me than I can say.

It took her a second to reply.I really want to reply to that with something nice but I’m too insecure about feelings right now, so let’s dive into that video and we’ll get back to that once I’m not having an allergic reaction to emotions!

That sounded good to me. She could take all the time she needed.

Chapter 8

Veronica

I’d never worked so hard in my life. To be fair, I’d never really worked hard for one second since the moment I put in the effort to get out of the birth canal and into the world and found outthatwasn’t worth the effort, so it was a low bar, but apparently I could work hard when there was a cute person on the line who I liked to think about naked. Which, obviously, was all she was, and not at all that I was in love with her and couldn’t get her off my mind.

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