Page 17 of A Conflict of Interest

“A girlfriend who’s probably freezing her tits off in the car. You can let her back in.”

“If you keep talking about my girlfriend’s tits, I’ll put you out without a car and see who’s freezing what.”

“Why does it feel so gross?”

Her eyebrows shot up. “Because it’s alittleinvasive when you start talking about my monogamous partner’s private parts?”

“I mean… having a girlfriend. People thinking I’m gay.”

“Oh.”

“If you can stop thinking about her tits for one second.”

“Okay, shut the fuck up.” She laughed, though, massaging her temples. “Does it feel gross when you think about having a boyfriend?”

I chewed my lip. “Not a ton…”

“But a little? What about, like… in high school, when you were first dating?”

I shifted on the couch, picking my cappuccino back up and losing myself in it for a while before I said, “Is that related?”

“Sometimes you kinda have to… get used to these things separately. Being perceived in who we honestly are is scary and, if you’re not used to it, can feel… gross. I’m just wondering if maybe you had to get acclimated to the idea of being perceived having a boyfriend, loving a man, and if maybe you have to get acclimated to it with a woman too.”

I chewed my lip, searching in vain for any part of me that wasn’t feeling antsy and itchy. Maybe my hair. “Isn’t that kind of just because… teenagers always feel awkward and icky and weird?”

“Guess that can complicate things, but the fact that you look like you want to rip your own skin off right now means, I think, that I’ve hit the mark.” She smiled dryly. “What do you think about the idea of having a husband?”

“Ew.” Answer ripped itself up out of me automatically.

“And a wife?”

“Ew…” Mostly that one trailed off uncertainly because I was thrown by how viscerally I pictured Kelcey. I didnotwant to marry Kelcey. Even if we were together,marriage?Ew. But I couldn’t shake the fact that Kelcey came to mind.

Anna smiled. “Both about equally ew?”

“Um… maybe, yeah.” Didn’t make any sense thatwifewould be less bad. Having ahusbandjust sounded awful, though. Felt like being tied down barefoot and pregnant in a kitchen I didn’t own. Having a wife just felt like weirdmatrimony stuff, buthusband? That was matrimony stuff and more.

“Might be something to think about. And spend timethinkinginstead of showing up at my events and destroying them. I’m still pissed off at you, even if you change the subject with halfhearted coming-outs.”

“Like I said, I’m notcoming out.My sexuality is Veronica. I’m not coming out as Veronica.”

Anna shot me a look so serious it made me throw up a little in my mouth. “Veronica, if you had a chance with Kelcey, would you want to try?”

My stomach lurched, and I looked away, focusing on the Christmas tree in the corner of the living room. I bet it’d be really funny if I pushed it over. Maybe that would be a good way to get out of this. “A chance to get her in bed, yeah. She’sreallygood with her mouth.”

She stared at me. I shifted.

Ugh, she had me totally deconstructed here. I didn’t even feel right objectifying Kelcey like that. And when was the last time I didn’t feel right objectifying someone? Jesus Christ.

“Uh… yeah, I guess,” I mumbled.

“You guess.I don’t think you’re that ambivalent about it, based on how desperately you’re trying to get someone to fill the hole she left.”

Ugh, that wassuchan easy setup for a sex joke, but I couldn’t even bring myself to make it. I groaned into my coffee. “Okay, firstly, shut up. Secondly… shut up some more. Thirdly…” I picked at the hem of my dress. “Yeah. I would. But I know I went and burned that bridge.”

“Really depends on how much you want to commit to it. Kelcey’s so far from ever having gotten over you. And you could probably be really happy together, if you think you could be whatshe wants. So I’m not asking you if youguessthatmaybeyou’d get around to trying if it meant you got to fuck her.”

“What do you want me to say, that I’m desperately in love with her and spend my days dreaming of her? That I’d do anything for a chance?”

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