Page 16 of A Conflict of Interest

“I’m having a big moment here, okay?”

“I wish you’d havefewerbig moments.”

Lucy stepped up behind Anna, putting a hand on her back. “Hey, sweetheart,” she said, her voice soft. “Your sister did nothing but back you up when it came to me with you. This is her best attempt at coming out, so you might as well give hersomespace for it.”

“I’m notcoming out,” I shot, hunching my shoulders. Anna gave me a dry look.

“Just telling me how you’re romantically and sexually attracted to a woman.”

“Ew, don’t put it like that. I’m not supposed to be in the same sentence asromance.Gross.”

Anna sighed. Lucy smiled patronizingly at me, the jerk. Just because she had a cute happy relationship with her girlfriend, she thought that gave her the right? “Are you hiding from romance, or from your feelings in general, Vern?”

I scowled, lifting my mug, and I winced at the pain flaring up in my shoulder, almost sloshing the coffee down my front. “Confronting the source of my feelings just got me thrown intoa Christmas tree and earned me a big bruise from a tree topper bellyflopping onto me.”

“Addressing and acknowledging your feelings doesn’t mean trying to sweet-talk your ex at a party you aren’t invited to,” Lucy said, with that patronizing tone like she was explaining to a kid why they couldn’t have cookies for dinner.

“Ugh, shut up.” I cleaned up the machine and took the cappuccino to sit back on the couch again, hunching into the mug and sipping it broodily. Anna came over with me, sitting down next to me, her hands folded in her lap, and the pressure of the silence got to me. I cradled my mug with both hands, looking down. “It feels weird and gross and, like… not me. I’m not homophobic or anything, but I’m not gay.”

It was the most serious, earnest thing I’d said in a while—outside of the dumb bullshit I’d said to Kelcey at the other party—but thank god, Anna actually responded the same way instead of making it weird. “We get a lot of messaging about whatgayorlesbianorbisexualare or what they look like, and sometimes when we’re trying to figure out if wearethis thing, we’re looking at if we want to look like that image. It’s not about whether you see yourself being like whatevergaylooks like in your head, it’s about how you feel when you look at Kelcey.”

I sighed, going for a dismissive tone and coming up short. From the kitchen next to us, Lucy made a show of checking the fridge, and she said, “Ah… hold on, I need to grab something from the car. Give me one sec, sweetheart.”

Anna nodded to her, and I scowled at her, shooting Anna a look once Lucy was out the door. “I can have a conversation with Lucy here. I’m not embarrassed.”

“Yeah, you are,” she deadpanned, and I gave her an indignant look. I mean, she was right, which was even more annoying, but I didn’twanther to be right.

“Okay, jerk. Fine, whatever. Ugh.” I pulled my knees up into my chest, resting the mug on them. “So, what, just because I think Kelcey’s cute, now I’m gay?”

“You don’t have to use any labels if you don’t like them. You can just be Veronica, and Veronica thinks Kelcey’s cute.”

I snorted, and I mimed filling out a sheet. “Sexuality, Veronica.”

“You have a lot of places asking you to fill your sexuality on a form?”

“Orgy signups…”

“Signups? Like a… Google form?”

I shrugged. “They’re group events. I’ve worked in event planning and it’s not that different from any other event. You get spreadsheets and stuff. Make sure dietary needs are accommodated, because you need food at an orgy. Make sure you have condoms, rigorously make sure everyone’s tested, make sure you’ve got Plan B becausesomeone’sgoing to need it before the day is done, make sure you know what kinks to be prepared for and how to orient who where based on sexuality… make sure you have toys. Space for people of all different types, like the ones who want to get gangbanged or the ones who just want to wallflower it up, watch the scene, and get off later thinking about it, and everything in between. There’s a lot of organization.”

“Honestly, I… admit I kind of just imagine a bunch of people showing up and getting naked.”

I wrinkled my nose. “Those exist too, but… you do not want to go to those.”

“Idon’t want to go to any. But thanks for the warning.”

“I mean, I guess I already say I’m bisexual in those things because I’m cool with getting freaky with whatever gender, whatever configuration… but that doesn’t really feel serious.”

“Everything could be like that. You can just go around existing in the world having feelings for Kelcey and it doesn’t have to be serious.”

“But—what if it were? Like… ugh.” I set my mug down, focusing on tending to my ice pack, my bruise, just to look at something other than her. “I mean, in all honesty, Kelce and I were kind of… dating, for a while, like, no matter how you spin it, it was kind of a relationship. What if it had stayed like that? If I went around telling people about mygirlfriend,they’d thinklesbian.Even if they thoughtbisexual,it’s just… like it’s allseriousand squishy and icky and weird.”

She looked down. “Yeah… I mean, you can’t help how other people will perceive you. And getting caught up in what other people think is a neat shortcut to a miserable life.”

“Yeah. I guess that’s true.” I shifted from side to side. “What’s being gay like?”

“Pretty… normal. It’s what I’ve always been, so I don’t really notice it. Not like I have anything to compare it to. Labels are weird for me too, because it feels like I’m not quite lesbian but bisexual or pansexual aren’t quite right, but… being attracted to women is just normal. Having a girlfriend is perfectly normal.”

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