Page 93 of Dear John

And then I saw his eyes.

Hollow, blank…gone.

He was gone, and it was all my fault. I was getting off and finding pleasure while he was dead, buried in the ground after being burned alive. I shoved back from her, stuffing my flaccid cock in my pants and turning away. Why had I thought it would help?

Nothing fucking helped. The images wouldn’t leave me alone. They flashed through my mind constantly, leaving me sick to my stomach and on the verge of falling over from the dizzying feeling that always accompanied the image of his head snapping back as my bullet pierced his skull.

“Cash—”

“Get the fuck out,” I snapped.

I couldn’t deal with her right now. Those sad eyes were just another reminder of all the ways I failed. I wasn’t the brother I should have been, and now I was ruining the one good thing I had in my life.

“You can push me away all you want, but I’ll always come back to you.”

I sighed heavily, wondering if I would ever be the man she used to love. “Don’t bother. I won’t be here.”

“Cash—” Her tone was urgent, filled with fear and anxiety.

“I have to get to work.” I sat down in my chair and started cleaning Sally 3, not bothering to look up at her. But as soon as I heard the click of the door, I leaned back in my chair and let myself feel just how much I let her down.

How much I let everyone down.

31

ISLA

“Explainto me why Kavanaugh is coming home and you’re not,” my sister snapped, waking me out of a dead sleep at two o’clock in the morning.

“What?” I grumbled, wiping the sleep from my eyes. I had finally fallen asleep around midnight, and now I was woken to her yelling at me.

“Kavanaugh messaged Bowie, asking if someone could pick him up at the airport. Which, of course, means that I need to drive since Bowie is still a gimp. Would you like to explain to me why he’s the only one being picked up?”

Sighing, I shoved my unruly curls out of my face and flipped on the nightstand light. “Because I got pissed at Kavanaugh and told him to leave.” I thought about it for a moment, then corrected myself. “Actually, I was going to leave and he decided to leave first.”

“He just left? Just like that?”

“Yeah, well, that’s sort of what you do when you’ve been lying to your girlfriend over and over again.”

She heaved a sigh over the phone. “Seriously, Isles. When are you going to get your shit together?”

“Me? He’s the one who’s lying!”

“Well, I blame you.”

“Oh, that’s lovely. Would you like to explain?” I asked testily.

“Because you picked up and hauled us off to Kansas for this guy. You didn’t even call him up first!”

That was true. But even so, I didn’t ask him to jump into my bed. He did that all on his own. “I really don’t want to listen to this at two in the morning. Can we discuss this when I get back?”

“And when will that be?”

“I don’t know. When I book a flight and come home.”

She was quiet for a minute. “You’re not staying out there, are you?”

“No. I just need a minute.”

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