Page 37 of Dear John

Unfeeling.

Not an ounce of the love we once shared.

But underneath all that, lingering in the background, was the love we once shared. I had no doubt that if I kissed him long enough, it would rise to the surface. But before I had the chance to explore that option, his hands were on my shoulders, shoving me away. He wiped his mouth with his hand like I disgusted him, then turned back to his desk.

“If that’s all, I have work to do.”

“Why are you doing this?” I whispered.

“Doing what?”

“This!” I shouted. “Pushing me away!”

He rolled his eyes like I was a pest he needed to get rid of. “I’m not pushing you away. I’m focusing on the job.”

“And what job is that?” I asked, crossing my arms over my chest, refusing to be pushed out of his life. “Is that the one where you use your friends to get revenge? Or the one where you fire them and take away the security they have in their lives? Or how about when you threaten to destroy their lives and unleash hell on their girlfriends all so you can go on your crusade?”

His chair flew back into the wall, denting it from the force of the blow. “My crusade? Are you fucking kidding me right now? My brother is dead!”

“And he won’t come back to life by you ruining all your relationships!” I shouted. “Come back to me. Remember who you are and be the man I fell in love with.”

He scoffed, walking away from me to a bar that was newly installed. “And what would that get me? Will love save me?” he asked mockingly. “Will it bring my brother back if I fall into your arms and cry about what happened?”

“I’m not saying I can make this better, but?—”

“What? You think because you were too weak to stand on your own that I am too?”

“I am not weak,” I said forcefully.

“Not now. No, that was me who built you up. You were nothing when I met you. Running all over the place.Save me. Please save me!” he mocked me. “You were pathetic, and it was only because I took you in and made you who you are that you’re still standing here today.”

I stepped back with the hit of his words. I knew he didn’t mean them. Somewhere inside the body in front of me was the man I fell in love with, who cared for me when I was weak—as he said—and made me stronger. It was his family at OPS that turned me into the woman I was today.

“Cash, you’re destroying everything in your life, and if you’re not careful, you’re going to lose everything.”

“Do you really think I have anything else to give? It’s all gone.”

“I’m still here. Your kids are still here,” I pleaded.

He shook his head. “It’s not enough.”

“Yes, it is!” I urged him. “You’re devastated, and I get that, but?—”

“But nothing!” he shouted at me. “You don’t get it! You will never understand what it’s like to pull the trigger and murder your own brother!”

I sucked in a breath at his words. He pulled the trigger…But he hadn’t mentioned a word about it. Why hadn’t he told me?

“Cash—”

“No, you don’t get to feel sorry for me. I made a choice and I stand by that, but now, I get my revenge, and I will not stop until it’s over.”

“I know you’re hurting?—”

“Would you stop with the bullshit?” he shouted. “Get the fuck off your high horse. You can’t fix this. If anything, all of this, the fallout of everything is your fucking fault!”

I shook my head. Even with the anger and hurt flowing through his veins, I couldn’t for the life of me figure out why he was trying so desperately to push me away. “You don’t mean that.”

He laughed sarcastically, tossing his head back as he pressed his heels to his eyes. “Do you know that he fucking told me he was doing this for you?”

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