Page 95 of Wicked Arrangement

I’ve been living with the Gillihans for a week now. Despite my initial concerns, Yaroslav was right. The fresh air, rest, and lack of stress have done wonders for me. I’ve finally started to regain weight, so I am not as worried about the baby’s health now. Grace and Thomas’ five-year-old daughters are a delight and when they are home I adore spending time with them. It feels like a crash course in being a mom and I love every minute.

My friendship with Grace has been blossoming and we spend hours working together in her art studio or chatting about everything and anything. To my delight, she’s even offered me a job once all this has blown over. She’s fast becoming a close friend and confidant.

But with every passing day, my anxiety is starting to return.

While Grace and the girls have been wonderful at distracting me, I can’t help but long to be with Yaroslav again, to know what he’s thinking. I haven’t heard a word from him since he left. Despite his promises that he believes me, I can’t ignore the niggling seed of doubt that our fake reason for me being here might actually be true.

Does he think that if I stayed with him, I would have betrayed him to Sharkozi if I could? Does he feel the same way I do about him or does he merely see me as the vessel carrying the heir to the Volkov family?

Perhaps he told me what he thought I wanted to hear simply to keep me sweet when, in reality, the second the baby is born he plans to take them from me and get rid of me.

Every day I go without news the more worried I become.

I haven’t confided my fears to Grace, but she can tell something is wrong. “Penny for your thoughts,” she says as we’re sat drinking coffee on the porch.

I’ve been silent most of the morning. I keep getting confused or not answering right away when Grace speaks to me, so it’s hardly surprising she can tell I’m feeling off today.

“Do you miss Thomas when he’s gone?” I ask.

Since I’ve been here, I’ve barely seen Thomas Gillihan, he’s been busy working, and most nights he’s not even slept here. I wonder if a future with Yaroslav means the same thing, nights alone and long days of loneliness with only staff and children to keep me company.

She gives me one of her usual astute looks that suggests she knows exactly why I’m asking.

“Honestly? No,” she says bluntly, with a shake of her head.

I can’t hide the surprise on my face. “Why not? Don’t you get lonely?”

She considers my question, mulling over how best to respond. “I get lonely sometimes, yes, this lifestyle can be lonely, not knowing who to trust. But I have friends, my daughters, and a fulfilling life to keep me occupied. I don’t see much of Thomas even when he is here. In all honesty, my marriage with Thomasis a loveless one. It was arranged by our fathers when I was still quite young.”

My eyebrows shoot up in shock, although there’s a noticeable age gap between them, and Grace could be what some might describe as a trophy wife, it didn’t occur to me that their marriage wasn’t built on love. I didn’t imagine it being prearranged by her family.

I nod thoughtfully, not knowing what to say. I can’t imagine having to marry someone I don’t love.

As usual, it’s like Grace has read my mind. “Not that I want you to feel sorry for me, or that there isn’t any genuine affection in our marriage. Thomas and I care deeply for each other, and we’re happily married, we have two beautiful children and a life I adore. I’m sure it must be hard to understand, but I don’t have any regrets. I always grew up knowing that this was the situation. I’m luckier than some. Thomas isn’t violent and never does anything I don’t consent to, we have a deep respect and understanding for each other. We love each other, but no, we’re not in love,” she smiles a little sadly and I wonder if, despite her words, she wishes things were different.

“Is it… normal for husbands with careers like Thomas’ to be away a lot?” I ask, dancing around the question I really want to ask.

“You’re wondering if a relationship with Yaroslav will be the same,” Grace accurately points out.

I nod. Almost scared to hear the answer.

“No. I don’t. It’s clear you’re crazy about each other, even from the brief amount of time I’ve seen you interact. I think it’skilling Yaroslav to be away from you and the baby,” she states confidently.

“Why hasn’t he been in touch then? Do you know anything? It’s killing me not knowing what’s happening,” I say.

“It’s safer for you if he doesn’t contact you. But you need to realize that this is what life with Yaroslav might be like at times. You won’t ever have a normal relationship. Men like my husband and Yaroslav are very powerful, but that doesn’t come without a price. If being with him is what you want, you need to accept that,” she warns.

“I just wish things were simpler. It isn’t just myself I have to think about, my family, this baby, they’re all impacted by my decisions and relationship with Yaroslav. Am I selfish if I stay with him?” I ask, placing my hand on my stomach and wondering what kind of life I’m bringing my child into.

“I was born into this lifestyle, I don’t have a choice like you. I suppose the main thing you should ask yourself is, do you love him?” Grace asks seriously.

“Yes… I mean… I think I do?” I reply, uncertain now. “I know I care deeply for Yaroslav, that my heart races when I think of him, that our sex life is incredible and when I’m with him I feel alive. But is that love? I’ve never been in love before. How can I tell if that’s what I’m feeling?”

Grace contemplates this. “Ask yourself this, if you had to, could you walk away? Could you put Yaroslav behind you, move on, and be with someone else? Could you forget about him? Or most importantly, is the baby the only reason you’re considering a future with him? If the answer to all these is no, then it’s love.”

“What if he doesn’t love me back? He certainly doesn’t seem to trust me, and sometimes I feel like he hates me,” I reply in a small voice. I can’t believe I’m telling Grace all this, but it feels good to finally talk to someone about my feelings.

“If Yaroslav hated you, you wouldn’t be here, and he wouldn’t be doing his best to protect you and your grandmother. It’s very clear to me how strongly he cares for you. All you need to decide now is what’s best for you and your baby,” Grace instructs me.

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