Page 36 of Summer with a Single Dad

“And he’ll even eat his vegetables first to show off for me.”

“Sounds like a keeper.”

“But I miss the sex. You know, the kind you can have any time of day because you don’t have to worry about getting caught kind of sex?”

“That’s the best kind.” Cassie gave me a look when I didn’t reply. “I don’t get what the problem is.”

“I feel guilty about wanting that. Of missing it. It’s not about Hudson, but just about feeling bad that I want it.”

“Honey, you’re a woman. You’re a woman with needs. Trust me, if anyone gets what you mean, it’s me. You’re not a bad person for wanting sex. Especially the kind of hot sex you’ve been having.”

“How do I find the balance? You know between Chris and sex and Chris and Hudson?”

“Maybe you should do a nooner,” she said, making me laugh.

“We did it last night when Hudson was taking a bath.”

“Well, see, you’re fine. You just have to be creative and carve out time for it.”

“I don’t want to schedule sex!” The idea of pre-arranging sex was appalling to me.

“Honey, what do you think parents have been doing since the dawn of time?”

I rolled my eyes. Then her words sank in.

And that’s when the panic arose.

“Shit, you’re right.”

I’d been blissfully ignoring that Chris and I were getting more serious. And the more time we spent together, the likelier it was that I would become a parental figure to Hudson. The knowledge hit like a tsunami.

Stupid, foolish coward.

Canceling on Chris tonight, claiming I was worn out and needed a night to just veg on the couch, was a total chicken-shit thing to do.

I promised not to lie to him again, and I hadn’t. I was mentally worn out. Playing and trying to determine the outcome of every possible scenario was exhausting. The problem with what I told him was that it didn’t address the dread I felt with seeing him. I wanted to see him. Yet, the fact of the matter was that we had a lot to talk about, and I just wasn’t ready to face the music yet. I felt like crap making an excuse to get out of hanging out with him.

I felt even worse canceling on Hudson.

He loved having Moose and Rufus over. It was so cute to watch him with all the dogs.

Still, I needed another day to wrap my mind around everything spiraling out of control like a damn whirlpool.

What I really needed to do was talk to Chris. That was the adult thing to do. But I needed to work on what I wanted to say. I couldn’t take the chance of saying the wrong thing—not when Hudson was involved.

If it were just Chris, I wouldn’t be torn apart from anxiety. Hudson was the one thing I couldn’t risk. I would never forgive myself if I hurt him in the process of trying to figure things out with his father.

Cassie suggested I make a list of pros and cons. In this case, as I scribbled onto my notepad, I was listing doubts and probabilities.

Hudson had a mother. I didn’t want to replace her, but how would I fit in if things continued progressing? Chris and Hudson would still deal with grief and loss—even after all these years. What did that look like for them, and what should I expect? So many other questions plagued my mind—and heart.

I wanted to be the kind of woman my mother wasn’t. The supportive, loving, doting kind. I didn’t want to lose myself in the process, but I also wanted to put them first when it mattered most. I didn’t have a great role model in my mother. My grandmother always put me first, so I knew what that looked like in theory. I just didn’t know what it looked like in practice.

Fear that I would fail, and fail miserably, churned and ate away at me.

Saltine crackers could only do so much when it came to a nervous stomach.

I popped a couple of antacids and warmed a can of chicken noodle soup, hoping one or the other would remedy the acid inside.

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