Page 51 of A Night to Remember

The truth is totally innocuous –I was pumping her for information about my crush– but something in her tone warns me to tread lightly. I stifle my anger and opt for a little white lie. “Nothing much. She brought my boss some documents and I thought he was coming on to her. I wanted to make sure she was okay.”

“How gallant,” Kayla says flatly. She waits a beat, then adds, “Lots of men are attracted to Allison. It’s that whole fun-size Barbie thing she has going on.”

“I guess,” I say carefully.

“You don’t think she’s pretty?”

“Sure, objectively speaking,” I reply, worrying that there is no right answer to that question. “But is it all right if I think you’re much prettier?” Kayla makes a little scoffing sound but otherwise doesn’t reply.

I have no idea what’s going on with her. But if she wants to push me away, then I’m not going to help her. I pull off the highway onto a dirt road.

“Wilson, what are you?—”

“Look at me, Johnson,” I tell her forcefully, turning in my seat to face her. She meets my eyes unwillingly. “You don’t need to worry if you see me talking to another woman. I want to dateyou. Only you. I think you know that.”

“Okay, yes, I’m sorry. I mean, I don’t know that we’re exactlydating, but still. I’ve just always been a little insecure about Allison, that’s all.”

“There’s no reason for that, but I understand if that’s how you feel. And I hope you understand,” I add, “thatI’vebeen a little insecure since Gretchen cheated on me.”

“Sure, I get that,” she replies with a puzzled expression. “But we aren’t even—and I would never?—”

“Who did Jeff think I was that day at the café?”

“Oh, God, Gabe, please?—”

“Because I don’t understand your hesitancy towards me. I really don’t. I know we’re both in town temporarily. I know you’re worried my family won’t approve of us. But Ialsoknow what it feels like when we’re together, and the onlygoodreason I can think of for you pulling away is that you’re hung up on someone else.”

Kayla buries her face in her hands. “I’mnot,” she stresses, her voice muffled by the fabric of her gloves.

“Look at me,” I say again, more softly this time. I gently take her by the wrist and pull her hands away from her face. She looks like she’s on the verge of tears.

“There’s no one else,” she whispers, looking me straight in the eye. “Honestly, Gabe, there never has been.”

Time stops. The world outside the car hushes. I keep my grip on her wrist and hold her gaze steadily, searching her face for a sign that she’s telling the truth. Can she possibly have meant that? As far as I knew she didn’t date in high school. And it’s clear that she hasn’t been with that many guys.

It all flashes before me—Christmas lights, dishwashers,The Chronicles of Narnia. My heart is threatening to thrash its way out of my chest. Still, I have to know this one thing. “Then just tell me who Jeff thought I was. If it’s someone who’s hurt you?—”

“Please drop it, okay?Please?”

I very much do not want to drop it, but I can tell that I’m deeply upsetting her. I hate every second of this – her red-rimmed eyes, her pleading voice. I wish she trusted me enough to tell me what the issue is. But more than anything, I want to overcome any barriers that are standing between us. I recall my conversation with my grandmother. Maybe I really haven’t been clear enough with her about whatIwant.

“If you’re not in love with anyone else, then I would like to date you, Kayla,” I say, gently but firmly. “Openly.”

She breaks eye contact, squirms in her seat, shakes her head miserably. “We’re so good together as friends. Friends with benefits. Whatever,” she protests. “We’re just going to make each other unhappy by expecting more than that. I can’t handle—I can’t handle dating.Anyone. Especially not right now. Please try to understand that.”

She’s said this before. And then continued to see me. And smile at me, and touch me, and let me touch her in increasingly pornographic ways. I can either break up with her and try to find someone who wants what I want, or continue to see her on her terms. Neither seems like a good option.

I drop her hand and lean back against the headrest. Allison is probably right. I should be patient. Work toshowher rather thantellher that love is worth the risk.

“Okay,” I sigh.

“Okay what?” she asks.

“Okay, we can be whatever you want us to be.”For now, I think. Then I cut the Navigator’s headlights and pull her to me in the dark.

24

Kayla

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