Page 53 of Standing Still

“That view is awesome,” Frankie says, standing by the floor to ceiling windows, looking out across the city. “It’s a lot different from Mystic and Westbrook.”

“Tell me about it,” I laugh, watching him.

Claudia is looking at the fireplace, a kind of dazed look in her eyes as she holds her mug of coffee with both hands. Thank heaven for Kevin because he keeps the conversation flowing, asking Frankie about his major and where he’s staying when he moves out here. We all skirt around the issue of my brother, though. No one too eager to talk about him. I can’t stop staring at Frankie and I notice he is feeling a little uncomfortable, so try not to be so damn obvious.

When he says he has to head out to meet his friends, I get up to see him out. When he offers me his number, I almost lose it. He hugs me before he leaves and I stand in the front hallway, staring at the closed door for so long, Kevin has to come get me. Claudia is waiting for me, a soft smile on her face. Kevin makes his excuses and heads out too, leaving us alone.

She’s already apologized many times for keeping Frankie a secret, but I let her know the same amount of times she is forgiven. I get it. She was just a kid when it happened. Pregnant, scared, and broken-hearted when my brother killed himself.

“He is always welcome here,” I tell her. “You too. I don’t want you to think that you aren’t a part of my family. I’d only just got my head around the fact I was the only one left, finding out about him… And you, means I don’t have to believe that anymore.”

“You do not know how many times I thought about reaching out to you, but I guess the more famous you got, the harder it seemed to do it.”

I nod, understanding, but still a little hurt. “Can I ask you something and get an honest answer?”

Claudia looks away from me, and I see her struggling because she knows what I’m about to ask. She speaks before I can, though.

“I always felt like it was my fault,” she says. “That I got pregnant, and he couldn’t deal with it. I had a lot of therapy after he was gone. It took me a while to believe it wasn’t my fault.”

“Of course it wasn’t,” I try to reassure her.

“I loved him, still do. Every time I look at Frankie, all I see is Darren. I struggled for a long time to forgive him. As much as I fell for him, for the caring boy he was, there was a darkness inside him, a place I could never reach. He suffered a lot with depression, I don’t know if you saw that but, he felt this burden to be the best he could be.

"Everyone was pressing him about going pro, joining the NFL, being the next big sports star to come out of Mystic. It might sound insane to some people. How could he be depressed when he led such a charmed life? But I saw that in him, when he was away from Mystic. That was why he spent so much time out in Westbrook. Once we met, it took him away from the pressure. I tried to hold on to him, to keep him from sinking into it.”

This is incredibly difficult to hear. I hadn’t seen it at all. Darren was always the life and soul of every party. The popular kid. I’d never noticed how heavily it weighed on him. That he struggled with mental health issues. He kept it so well hidden from all of us.

“He adored you,” she says, finally looking at me. “He talked about you all the time.”

“He did?” my voice is a mere whisper.

“Yes, he always said you were destined to achieve your dreams. He was really proud of you.”

Tears spill over and track down my cheeks. Claudia reaches out and takes my hand.

“When I got pregnant, it was another thing weighing him down. I wish I knew what was going on in his head, Elle. I really do. Andit hurts me. I’m unable to give you the closure you want. I had no idea he had sunk that low. I wish he’d asked me for help.

"As I got older, and once Frankie was old enough that he didn’t take up every waking hour of my time, I researched everything about mental health. A lot of the signs were there, but he hid it so well. There is no way any of us could ever explain why he did it. Even though I loved him from the bottom of my heart, I could never forgive him for not even leaving an explanation.

"It didn’t even need to be a long letter, justsomething. A goodbye… He left being the only one who knew why. And I’m so sorry that your mom left… the same way.”

“Is it hereditary, the illness? Did you see anything like that in your research?”

“It can be, but I never met your mom, so I couldn’t say for sure.”

“I know she suffered from bouts of depression. She hid it well, especially from me, but thinking back on it, there was definitely something there. It’s crazy that all of this was going on right under my nose, but I never saw it.”

“You were a child, Elle. Being a mom now, I know it’s a parent’s responsibility to never weigh your children down with things like that. I’m so sorry I don’t have all the answers for you.”

I just nod and wipe at my eyes. “Something good has come from it. Frankie is an amazing young man. You’ve done such a good job with him.”

Claudia nods, but I see concern in her eyes.

“Are you worried about him having the same issues?”

“It seems logical he could, but he’s shown no signs and believe me, I’ve been watching out for them. I wanted to ask… I hope you don’t mind. I wish I could move out here to be close to him, but he’d lose his mind if he thought I was following him out here, plus I have Caleb, he’s in school in Mystic, it’s the only home he’s known. Frankie needs his space to grow into his own man.”

“You want me to keep an eye on him?” I ask. She nods. “I’d be honored, Claudia. Really. I hope he knows that I’m here if he needs anything. Anything at all.”

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