Page 25 of Golden Atonement

They did.

She was innocent and would remain that way if it were the last thing I ever did. She may not want me anymore, but I would never stop loving her. She was the very air in my lungs, the blood that pumped in my veins. My first thought and would be my last.

Turning away, I couldn’t look anymore.

She deserved a life I couldn’t give her.

She deserved much more than that. She deserved the world. Maybe that fucker could give it to her.

Maybe not.

But she deserved the chance, and I would give her that.

Purgatory, California, later that same night...

The house was dark when I slipped inside. I knew it would be. Standing there in the living room, I looked around the space and felt her everywhere. Everything was where she had left it. Even after all this time, it still smelled like her. I knew if I closed my eyes, I’d be able to see her flitting around, hear her voice, smell her around me in the house I built for her.

She loved this house.

This was where we began.

Where my life started.

Where she saved me.

The clubhouse may be gone, but the homes remained.

Sitting on the couch she picked out, I looked around the room, remembering everything about us. She was in the walls, the paintings on the wall, and the unwashed dishes that lay on the counter. I remembered reading somewhere that a solid foundation could endure any kind of storm. I didn’t think they had me in mind when they said that, though. I’d made so many mistakes. Some were worse than the others, but everything I did was for her. All I wanted was for her to live a life free of the demons of her past.

All my good intentions weren’t enough.

I wasn’t good enough.

In the end, I destroyed her, and I wasn’t sure I could fix it.

What kind of man destroys the one person who believed in him religiously?

“I’m scared, Max. What if they come back?”

“They won’t, Remi.”

“Promise?”

“I’ll special pinky promise you,”

“A special pinky promise? Those are really special, Max.”

“I know.”

“Wow.”

Remembering her innocent faith in me gave me the courage to survive. Not only for me, but for her. I knew, even back then, that I would do anything for her. She was the reason for everything in my life. From the moment I held her little hand through the cages that separated us till the night I broke my promise, she was the very soul in my chest.

She was all about us, and I was all about myself.

My selfish nature refused to let go of the past and just accept her love. Instead, I drove a wedge so deep between us I broke her more than the fucks who abused her. I was supposed to be the one person on the planet she could count on, trust above all others, and I threw it all away because I couldn’t stand there being a threat to her.

She longed for nothing more than to experience the feeling of being loved by someone. Despite my desire to do so, I could not give her even that.

---