Page 11 of Golden Atonement

I knew we were close to our former home.

Just hours away.

I wanted so much to get in a car and run back there. Where everything was good and untainted.

Where we were happy together.

Where we loved each other.

Leaving the safe house, I walked into the night, heading for the waters slowly cresting the sand. The dark water was smooth like black glass as the stars shimmered above, reflecting the brightness of the dark night. Looking out over the vast ocean, Ifelt nothing, not even an inkling of emotion, almost like my soul was as still as the dark expanse before me.

From the moment I could dream, he was the main character, shaping my entire life. I wished for him fervently, hoping he would appear. He was my everything, the one who made me feel loved and cherished. The reason that gave me life and sustained me in the simple act of breathing.

He gave me strength when I had no more to give, and in the blink of an eye, he was gone because of me. Instead of walking away and letting things go, I made the choice to allow the darkness inside of me to take hold and drive me to do something that I would have once deemed unthinkable.

I would have given him anything without hesitation. There was nothing I wouldn’t have given him. I was willing to take on any task, no matter how difficult. There was no identity I wouldn’t have assumed to fulfill his needs.

Instead, he was like everyone else in my life.

Instead of being cautious and maintaining my guard, I made the mistake of trusting him—a decision I now regret.

I approached the water’s edge, and at that moment, I paused as the waves delicately brushed against my exposed feet. Standing in that very spot, my gaze lost in the ocean’s vastness, a mixture of emotions swept over me. Contemplating my actions, I found solace in the embrace of my arms wrapped tightly around my waist, wondering if I had become like him.

Had I?

Was I a soulless murderer, too?

Was I going to destroy everyone who came near me as well?

I stared ahead, like I had done every night since I arrived. My hair, now longer, blew lightly in the breeze while I watched the calm ocean before me like I knew something more was about to come. In a trance, a cry erupted from deep within me, disrupting the tranquility of the night. The wet sand absorbed the impactof my fist as I fell to my knees and screamed loudly, causing the birds to take flight.

“I hate you!” I screamed into the night. “I fucking hate you.”

Hanging my head, I whispered, “Why did you do it? Why did you?” as I gripped the wet sand between my fingers, watching the gritty substance escape my grasp.

Just like the love I had for him, it, too, escaped back into the void.

In the dark of the night, when I knew I was alone, I desperately longed for him to come and tell me that everything I had experienced was nothing but a lie, a fabrication, a figment of my imagination—just another one of those endless nightmares that refused to let me go.

Unfortunately, that would never happen because, in a moment of weakness, I had destroyed the person I loved the most.

His blood was on my hands.

My constant reminder of what I would never hold again.

May 1, 2023

Reaper

I was a stupid motherfucking fool.

May 13, 2023

Remi

Days withered into each other. I didn’t know when it happened, only that one day it seemed as if everything stopped. All the laughter, the love, the hunger for life. None of it mattered anymore. All that remained was a hollow depth of despair that suffocated me.

The immeasurable depths of the ocean became a metaphor for my life, in a constant state of motion, never-ending and never pausing. Even when there was no wind, the waters continued to move, as if they were being guided by an invisible force.

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