Page 149 of Things We Burn

“I used to think that because I didn’t crack in those kitchens, nothing would break me. When you were locked away, when I thought that you didn’t want me...” I looked up at the house, the tranquil light coming from it, then down to where Mabel was still sleeping on the monitor. “When I thought you didn’t want her, I was close to losing it. I didn’t, though. I lost my mind a little, not having my kitchen, my city, my order, but I managed. And then you came back, and I thought that there was nothing more that could break me, certainly not a little baby who sleeps most of its life.” I smiled at the black and white image of our sleeping baby. “Or is supposed to sleep.” I glanced back at Kane. “But that’s what I feel. Broken. Not because I don’t want her, us. I want both of you more than anything. But I truly am doubting whether I’m capable of it.”

I expected Kane to immediately rush to assure me of how capable I was, to lift me up as he had throughout this entireexperience, but he didn’t. He didn’t say anything at first, he just ran his hands up and down my arms, considering.

“Yeah, I get that,” he nodded. “I feel it too. Not broken exactly. But fuckin’ terrified. And, babe, I’ve been in scary situations. Not just jumpin’ shit or riding motorcycles or crashing motorcycles. I’ve been in bad situations with bad fuckin’ people. And some part of me always figured I’d handle it somehow.” His fingers stroked my hair. “Now, with her, I’m scared shitless. I don’t know how to handle her; all I know is I love her so fucking much it hurts my bones.”

He too glanced down at the monitor, clenching it so I could see his knuckles whiten under the pressure. After a handful of seconds, he glanced up to me. He looked at me lovingly. Gone was the resentment and contempt he’d arrived there with. We hadn’t even properly spoken about the events that occurred. It had felt so pressing before. Now it didn’t seem to matter as much.

“And you,” he murmured, tucking loose hair behind my ear. “I see you givin’ all of yourself, your very insides, to being the best mother you can be, then driving yourself crazy thinking that’s not enough. And I want to help. Want to tell you I’m constantly mystified by you, in awe of you. That sometimes, I just watch the two of you together and want to find a way to wrap you up and protect you both because I love you so fuckin’ much.”

He glanced down at the monitor again.

“But I can’t.” His eye twitched. “I can’t wrap her up and protect her from the world, though I’ll try my fuckin’ best. And I can’t fix you when you think you’re broken, even though I see you overflowing with brilliance. So I’ll wait.”

He kissed my neck. “I’ll be here, and I’ll do whatever needs to be done to help you feel less broken. First off, you’re gonna do something I know you’re not used to. And granted, I’m no expert, but I’m thinkin’ the key to all of this is not trying to doeverything yourself. You don’t gotta suck it up and figure out a way to white knuckle it. Your mom and sister are here for that reason. And yeah, there’s a lot of messy history sittin’ at the door, waiting to be unpacked, but it can wait. For now, let them help. Let me help. And for fuck’s sake, give yourself some goddamn grace.”

Tears burned my eyes, and I struggled to contain them.

I wiped angrily at my face. “I’ve cried more since she was born than I have my entire life,” I hiccupped.

Kane wiped another tear. “Again, babe, you’re close to it, but you’re not Superwoman. You’ve gone through the biggest identity shift you probably ever will in your entire life. Plus, the hormone drop. So I’ll repeat my earlier statement. Give yourself some goddamn grace. Humans cry. Even ice queens melt.” He winked at me.

I let out a sound between a sob and a laugh.

I watched Mabel’s body move ever so slightly in the monitor, recognizing it as the telltale sign she was about to wake.

My body seemed to hum with exhaustion, if such a thing were possible.

Kane looked down at the monitor. “Let’s go get our girl.”

Once I was settled in bed, he brought her upstairs, and the second I was done feeding her, he expertly transferred her to his chest.

“I got her. How about you get some sleep? You know it’ll be two more hours until this boob hound is back at it,” he joked with a smile.

“You need sleep too,” I mumbled, my lids already drooping.

“Uh-huh. Unfortunately, I’m not Superman either, so I do need mortal things like sleep,” he pressed a kiss to my cheek. “I’ll put her in her crib soon, but we’re gonna cuddle first.” He laid his lips on Mabel’s head as he gently patted her back.

And that’s how I fell asleep, watching Kane cradle our daughter.

True to his prediction, she was awake two hours later.

We were on the sofa. We being me and Mabel and my mother.

Some TV show was playing in the background. I’d tried to follow it but had started and stopped the first episode about three different times, rewinding it because even though I was staring straight at it, I couldn’t for the life of me remember what it was about.

Mabel was curled up on my chest, napping. In her short life, she had not napped anywhere that wasn’t on me or my mom or my sister or her father. Maybe that was why she was so opposed to the bedside bassinet that I’d toiled over purchasing. Even if that was the case, even if I could stand to set her down instead of having her heavy warmth on my chest or her little hands clenched in mine, none of my family would be able to heed that request.

I was resigned to being nap-trapped, lying on the sofa, trying to concentrate on watching a show, trying to keep my eyes open since I knew that even if I attempted to fall asleep, I wouldn’t be able to. My mind didn’t let me.

Kane was on a call in the next room. Life had completely stopped for me. Life being anything resembling what I had before Mabel came into the picture. I’d made it clear to Heidi that I wasn’t coming back to the restaurant. Ferris was now head chef, a bittersweet moment for sure. I trusted him with the kitchen, knew that he was capable and great food would still come out of there, but that change made it permanent. I wasn’t going back to New York.

Beyond the job, New York wasn’t me anymore. I knew that in my heart of hearts. Jupiter felt like home now. It felt like the right place to raise Mabel, even when a small part of me was struggling to accept our new reality.

A quiet, coastal town that was a three hours’ drive away from my mother and sister.

For now and for the foreseeable future, this baby on my chest was my life. I’d made as much peace as I could with that, but my mind stewed over Kane.

He was speaking with a new manager now. Though he’d tried to downplay it, he’d been getting a lot of requests for interviews, sponsorships, invitations to events, requests to compete in races.

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