Page 146 of Things We Burn

Thankfully, I had pulled myself together somewhat, having been all but carried back to bed with Mabel. The two of us spent the day napping and feeding, my mother and sister coming in with a steady stream of food and drinks.

“You need to keep your fluids up while breastfeeding,” Maisie said as she fluffed the covers and opened the windows to let the sea breeze in.

“I’ll go prepare your sitz bath,” she added.

I clutched onto her wrist, careful of Mabel.

“Maise,” I whispered.

She looked down at me.

“Thank you,” I told her. “I know I haven’t been the best big sister, or really a sister at all. And you being here, it means a lot.”

Maisie’s eyes twinkled as she smiled, covering my hand with hers. “There’s nowhere I would be, Rey.” It felt good to hear her use the name she called me when she was little. The age gap between us meant I’d merely tolerated her once the novelty of a new baby wore off, and she’d followed me around like a puppy, desperate for my attention.

One more squeeze then she was gone to prepare the sitz bath, later taking Mabel while Kane helped lower me into it.

The horrors didn’t cease. Though Kane didn’t seem bothered in the slightest. He put on an acoustic Unquiet Mind playlist,promised he’d be back in ten minutes then left me, giving me time to decompress.

And as promised, he was back to help me out and get me dressed, but then came hurricane Kiera.

She was laden with bags as she breezed in, declaring Mabel the ‘cutest fucking baby to grace the planet’ as she gave me a long hug. She hadn’t met my mother or Maisie yet, but unsurprisingly, the three of them got along like they’d known each other for years.

What was surprising was that my best friend was so very similar to my mother and sister. Well, not surprising, maybe just that I hadn’t noticed it sooner. Though I’d been shutting them out my entire adult life, I’d also been unconsciously searching for their energy.

Another deep, introspective thought … one I normally would shut out, but I was a raw nerve those days. And in between my soul clenching doubts about my ability to be a mother, my tiredness and inescapable anxiety, I seemed to have time for existential crises.

Kiera stayed for a week, at a hotel on the ocean. She tried to help, but unlike my mother and Maisie, she was not a mother; that stuff didn’t come natural to her. But she was there, a reminder of my old life. Who I used to be. Her presence was enough.

She left with promises to come back, but I knew part of her was relieved to leave. She felt out of place in my new life, new dynamic. I felt it, the shift in our relationship, like tectonic plates moving.

The goodbye was bittersweet. I knew Kiera would never be gone from my life, but her position was different now. I grieved that.

There was still another week left before my mother and Maisie left, and I felt the time moving like a noose aroundmy neck, tightening with each passing day. Kane was amazing, helping in every way he could. He would jerk awake, back ramrod-straight, spluttering, “What do you need?” before he was even awake.

Mabel was a beautifully complicated baby. She required every second of our waking hours. She did not like to be sitting, or on her back. Whenever someone was holding her, they had to do laps around the house. Or walk along the beach. With, of course, Blanche in tow. Because wherever Mabel was, Blanche was. At the feet of whomever was holding her. And on the rare occasions Mabel was put down in the bassinet, Blanche laid directly underneath it.

Not that Mabel laid in a bassinet to nap often. Usually, it was in her besotted father’s arms. He rarely put her down and routinely wore her in the baby carrier that had arrived as a gift from Kip and Fiona.

She fed often, and my breasts were only just recovering from breastfeeding. From the painful engorgement, where I grew three cup sizes. The cracked, bleeding nipples. The powerful let down. All of my clothes were stained with breast milk. Our sheets too.

Mabel fed hourly, on rare magical occasions, it was every two hours during the night. I routinely forced myself to stay awake, only to wake an hour later, Mabel resting happily on my chest.

I would punish myself for this, having heard and read about the dangers of bedsharing.

“You will feel guilt about it all,” Maisie informed me when I told her. “You will find people or articles to reinforce that guilt. ‘You’re putting your baby in danger if you co-sleep, you’re depriving them of comfort if you don’t, you’re giving them abandonment issues if you sleep train, you’re not giving them self-soothing skills if you don’t.’ It will drive you fucking crazy.” She rubbed my arm. “The decisions you make on your own areyour best decisions. Like I said before, you’ve got a lifetime of decisions ahead of you that you’ll question and second guess. But you’re doing great.”

It was one of many pep talks that Maisie offered, since like she predicted, I did question everything. I was paralyzed by indecision. I couldn’t put Mabel in the car seat. Not only did she scream bloody murder when anyone did, I was tortured with thoughts that I was buckling her too tight. So Kane did it. Like he did all the practical things pertaining to her. I barely knew how to change a diaper that first week, still feeling like I was fumbling, all thumbs.

Me, who could effortlessly debone a branzino.

Mom and Mabel did all the cooking, because even though I yearned for the kitchen, my brain couldn’t conjure up a single dish, let alone the steps to make that dish. They did all the laundry, the cleaning. They took Mabel in the early mornings and evenings so Kane and I could sleep. I’d creep downstairs to where my mother was still sleeping on the pull-out, the sun would be rising, my mother would be propped up in bed, waiting with her arms open.

I’d hand off a sleeping Mabel who would nuzzle into my mother’s chest, then I’d do a zombie walk back to sleep. Only to wake up in a panic.

One morning, I sat up screaming, “Where’s the baby?”

Hearing my angst, Kane had scrambled up and looked under the bed for her before we both realized she was downstairs with Mom.

---