Page 30 of Throttle All the Way

But it wasn’t real freedom. Not with Cipher’s shadow trailing me like a phantom. He wasn’t there—not physically—but I could feel him, his presence woven into the air I breathed, heavy and all-consuming. It pissed me off. It reassured me. And it confused the hell out of me.

He was a storm in my life, and like a fool, I kept stepping into his path, daring him to drown me. Last night, his words had tangled with my wet dreams, dark threads winding through my mind as he penetrated me, sending me over the edge again and again.Stop fighting me, Mila. It’s not going to work anymore.He didn’t need to say it. I already knew it. Fighting him was likestruggling against a current. The harder I pushed, the deeper he pulled me under.

“Mila! Over here!”

Soul’s voice cut through my tangled thoughts, drawing my gaze toward the back garden. She stood bundled in a thick coat and scarf, her breath visible in the frosty air as she directed the chaos of her children. Her presence was like a beacon against the frozen backdrop—steady, grounding. It hit me, hard, how much I wanted to feel that kind of unwavering warmth.

Her kids were scattered around her, their laughter ringing through the crisp morning. The youngest was rolling a snowball, his little hands coated in frost as he worked with relentless determination to create what looked like the base of a snowman. The oldest was lugging a box of decorations across the snowy path, her face scrunched in concentration as she navigated the uneven ground.

I stepped closer, the crunch of snow under my boots breaking the quiet between Soul’s instructions and the kids’ chatter. A small, involuntary smile tugged at my lips as I crouched down to help the youngest pack snow onto his growing creation. His giggles, bright and unguarded, were a balm to something raw and aching inside me, if only for a fleeting moment.

“You’re a natural with them,” Soul said, her voice carrying that familiar blend of warmth and unspoken understanding.

I didn’t look up immediately, focusing instead on shaping the snowball in my hands. “They make it easy,” I murmured, my voice softer than I intended. “They remind me of what it’s like to… feel normal.”

Normal. The word sat awkwardly on my tongue, foreign in a way that made my chest tighten. What did I even know about normal anymore? Normal was a concept I could barely remember. Yulian had ripped it from me piece by piece, andnow, standing here in the snow with Soul and her children, I realized how much I mourned it.

Soul shifted closer, her boots crunching softly in the snow. “You’ve been through hell, Mila,” she said, her voice quieter now but no less steady. “Nobody’s denying that. But you’re here now. You’re safe.”

Safe. The word carried the same weight as normal did, an idea that felt as distant as the snow-covered peaks surrounding us. Even as I watched her youngest toddle over to her, his laugh breaking through the winter air, I couldn’t shake the gnawing unease lodged deep inside me.

“This place,” Soul continued, motioning to the garden and beyond, “it’s not just a shelter. It’s a home. Brimstone rebuilt it after everything went to shit. After the fire I had no idea what I was going to do, but with the help of the MC, they pieced it back together for me. We’re family here, and you’re part of that now. If you want to be.”

“Brimstone?” I asked, rising to my feet and brushing stray snowflakes from my gloves.

A grin tugged at the corner of Soul’s mouth, the kind that held more stories than she was letting on. “Brim is my guardian angel. He saved me back then. Cipher reminds me of him. All hard edges but inside…inside they have a big heart.”

“Oh?” I whispered, quietly listening to her as I took another box full of decorations and followed her back into the warmth of the Inn.

“Bulldog. He’s the backbone of this place. Recently, the Volkovs did a number on him and his woman. They messed with the wrong bunch though. And Cipher was adamant and hunting him down. I don’t think he expected you though,” she smiled warmly at me.

“So the Volkovs hurt your family too?”

She nodded. “It’s the reason Cipher went after Yulian. The Volkovs owe the Royal Bastards a life debt. They spilled blood and tried to ruin Bulldog’s name. That doesn’t stay quiet. The Royal Bastardswillbring him in and make him pay.”

“I didn’t know…” I stared at her in disbelief.

“Those men all look hard as steel, but they’ve got heart? And it’s bigger than this mountain. They’ve been through it, hell and back. Lost people, fought battles no one should have to fight. But they’re still standing. And if you are a part of them, that makes you family and they'll make damn sure you’re standing, too.”

Her words settled something deep in me, a fragile hope I hadn’t dared to nurture. There was strength here, in the people, in the place. A strength I wanted—needed—to believe in.

“Thank you,” I said quietly, meeting her gaze. “For… sharing that.”

Soul’s smile softened, her warmth wrapping around me like a blanket. “You keep helping me wrangle these little monsters, and we’ll call it even.”

Soul’s smile softened, her expression one of quiet reassurance. “You keep helping me keep these little monsters out of trouble, and we’ll call it even.”

For the rest of the morning, I let myself get lost in the rhythm of their world. I held the youngest’s hand as he pointed out where the snowman’s head should go, steadying him when his boots slipped in the ice. I helped the oldest untangle a string of lights for the shrubs lining the walkway, her cheeks red with the cold but her determination unwavering. With each task, the darkness in my chest loosened its grip, just a little.

But even as I lost myself in their laughter, Cipher was there, a shadow lingering in the back of my mindHe was an unrelenting presence, a storm I couldn’t escape. I could almost feel his hands on me again, rough and unyielding, his grip firm enough to leavebruises on my soul. And God help me, I wasn’t sure if I wanted to escape them.

The thought made my breath hitch, a rush of heat curling low in my belly despite the freezing air around me. He didn’t just want to save me—he wanted to own me, every shattered piece. And the truth that scared me most? A part of me wanted him to.

I leaned against the edge of the fence, staring out at the horizon as the sun’s light began to fade, casting long shadows across the snow.

“Mila?” Soul’s voice startled me. I turned to see her watching me, her gaze full of quiet understanding. “You okay?”

Was I? Could I be?I swallowed hard, the words sticking in my throat. “I don’t know.” It was the only honest answer I could give.

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