Page 59 of His Hungry Wolf

“But I am,” I insisted.

“Merri, it’s hard enough not hating you right now. Don’t make me have to say nice things about you. You hurt me. It’s taking a lot out of me to not let you beat yourself up.”

“I’m sorry. See, I’m not good.”

“Would you like to know what your problem is, Merri?”

“What’s that?”

“You’re empty,” he said accusingly.

“What?”

“You heard me. You have this hole inside of you that you keep trying to fill with things. You think that if you’re the perfect gay, the football gods will like you, and it will fill your hole. Well, I tried to fill your hole, Merri. I tried really hard. But your hole is bigger than the both of us.”

Jason stopped as an old woman walked by, staring at him.

“It was a metaphor,” he yelled at her. He turned to me. “You know what I meant.”

“I’m not sure I do,” I said honestly.

He looked at me, clenching his jaw. Calming himself, he explained.

“You don’t feel like a whole person. Probably because your father never accepted you for who you are. So now you’re going to spend the rest of your life chasing after what you couldn’t get as a kid. And when one thing can’t give it to you, you’ll put all of your attention on something else, like, oh, I don’t know, the acceptance of a bunch of football players in a league that doesn’t give two shits about you.”

“Or, a straight best friend I can’t get over,” I realized.

Jason stared at me with his mouth hanging open. “Of course he is. I knew there was someone else. And I should have known he was straight. The harder you have to struggle to get it, the better, right? You couldn’t just love the guy in front of you offering it. You have to fight for it to make it feel real.” Jason winced. “I hate it when my therapist is right.”

I stared at my ex, amazed. “If that’s true, then what do I do about it? Because I’m seriously out of ideas.”

“Here’s a thought. And this might sound crazy. But instead of just focusing on what you need, why don’t you try doing something for someone else for a change? And not because it’s going to get you something. But because it will help them. Have you tried that?” He asked snarkily.

Jason looked around and then back at me.

“You know what, I don’t even want to eat here anymore. You can have it. I have too much going on to deal with this,” he said before turning around and storming off.

Watching Jason walk away, I was stunned. I would have liked to believe that the grim picture he painted of me wasn’t true, but it felt real. Wasn’t what he said the reason I was obsessed with Claude?

From the moment I saw him, there was something about him that made me feel complete. It was why I could no longer deny my attraction to men. Being with Claude made me feel whole.

Eventually, unable to deny how I felt, I had another problem, my closeted ass. I thought it was a choice between my father’s acceptance and the life I wanted, and being happy. The internal struggle was too much for me. That was when I flipped out and ruined everything. I lost my mind because who was I without the man who made me feel complete?

Oh God, Jason was right. I’m just this black hole looking for things to fill it. Did I even love Claude, or did I just love the way he made me feel? I wasn’t sure anymore. The only thing I was sure of was that I was starved. So as soon as Jason’s breakfast spot opened, I ordered one of everything and tried to fill another hole.

Having been given a lot to think about, I returned home after my meal and thought about it all. That lasted until I fell asleep, which was around the same time I had fallen asleep the day before. Apparently, not sleeping for 48 hours can throw off your sleeping schedule.

But, in a way, it was good. Waking up after dark and going to sleep before noon gave me a lot of alone time. It helped me figure a few things out. For one, I hadn’t just used Claude to feel better about myself. He and I genuinely had a good time together. We laughed when we were together, and we had shared interests.

That didn’t mean that what Jason had said wasn’t true. It was. Being with Claude filled me in a way that I can’t fully explain.

But, was that wrong? Wasn’t it good to feel completed by the person you’re with? Doesn’t that ensure your relationship will last?

Perhaps where I went wrong was when I made Claude everything and not just a part of who I was. If Claude was everything, then losing him meant that I would lose everything. There had to be a part of me that remained without him. And, as Jason said, I had to start treating him like a friend and not just the thing I needed to complete me.

Oh shit, I have screwed so many things up. But I was done wallowing about it. I didn’t want to be that guy any more. I wanted to be better, for Claude. Even if he didn’t want to be friends anymore, I wanted to help him be happy. What would make Claude happy?

As I fought to realign my sleeping schedule, I thought about this. On the day that I woke up at 9 AM, it was with an answer. Although he was reluctant to say it, he had admitted that he wanted to play football again. I had torpedoed his chance at playing for the Cougars, but I still believed he was a generational talent.

---