“I never realized I needed to fill the void of two queens,” I whispered, sounding confused to my own ears. “I just kept focusing on uniting Faerie and no more wars, that I would be queen like my mom. I don’t think it really hit me that I had to take on the role of both of them before? Once I wake Neldor’s mom, I take over for her basically.”
“You already have,” he hedged.
“Yeah, but not.” I shrugged. “It just hit me weird. I don’t know. And my magic has been agitating me like that answer’s right there again. I hate that feeling, and there’s justso much.” I reached for more food. “I really did just go to pray and clear my head. I swear.”
“I believe you. You admit when you fuck up and I get it,” he said calmly. “I think we should have a rule going forward that you don’t go to the temples or pray alone. If the gods are going to give you visions or messages and they can seriously hurt you like this—you can’t be alone for that. We’ll give you space but—”
“That’s fair,” I accepted, nodding when he seemed hesitant. “I’m new to this part too, Lucca. I don’t know I even believe half the time, and the other half I’m fucking terrified that thegodssend me messages and visions on top of me getting visions like my mom.”
“Which makes me think you’ve been getting some that you’ve not told us about,” he busted, sighing when I fidgeted with my food. “I’m not upset. You told us when you were getting them—it’s fucking personal. And you get tired of it always being about you.” He smiled when my head snapped up. “Being the center of attention was forced on you, not your choice.”
“Thanks, Lucca,” I whispered, grateful he wasn’t pushing that one.
He opened more chalupas and set them in front of me, clearly telling me to eat more. “I saw you arrive but was a bit away. You were—I was frozen in fear for a good couple of minutes.” Tears filled his eyes when I met his gaze. “Tams, you were panicked. Terror was in your eyes. It was—it was overwhelming even from where I stood.”
I opened my mouth but then closed it. “I think I had a vision from my power at the same time the gods gave me visions and messages? Or maybe once I was out?”
“That’s fucking terrifying,” Lucca groaned. “Can you tell me what you saw?” He gave me a moment but realized I couldn’t get my mouth to work. “Did you see that guy dead?”
“Yes,” I choked out, covering my face with my hand. “He jumped off one of our mountains to feel the wind again knowing he couldn’t fly and would die. I felt it. I felt his despair and grief andshamethat he wasn’t a real fairy anymore.” I tried to control my tears when I looked at him. “But I didn’t know if that last one was his feelings or mine from everyone saying I’m not—”
“Youarea real fairy, Tams. You’re about to be queen of them.”
“I know. I know, but sometimes I still don’tfeellike one, or what people have said echoes. I don’t mean the media or other supes who want me out of power, but each of the commanders has thought it at one point, Lucca. Tons of fairies all around me. I’m not like them. I’m not one of them.”
“You are, cream puff. You are,” he murmured as he moved onto the cot with me. “Please keep eating.”
I nodded and stuffed two more chalupas in my mouth. “I woke with a migraine, but when Neldor healed it, the vision hit me again and I had—I couldn’t heal all of the fairies, but they were in pain because they didn’t have hope. I had to give them hope, but I can’t torture a little girl, and now no one will even tell me if I helped that guy or if anyone’s watching him.”
I broke down sobbing again, mad at myself for doing it, but I felt so lost and empty seeing Julian, Darby, Hudson, and Neldor walk out on me like that.
Even my dad.
I never thought he would do that.
17
It took Lucca a while to calm me down and get me to finish eating. I wasn’t surprised that he was gone after a nap, but I felt extra alone because of it.
And that made me angry.
Not at the five of them, but at everything else I had on my mind and shoulders that got in the way of my relationships.
I checked with the royal healers that I was fine, and they told me to take an easy for a few days and refuel. But that was it. I thanked them and went to check on the guy I had healed since apparently it might cost me the men who loved me—I wanted to at least make sure it worked.
“You pulled off another miracle, My Queen,” Dalyor said under his breath when I reached the other healing rooms of my castle. I’d been in the private one off to the side and others were using the large one.
“I’m not queen yet,” I mumbled as I took in the room. Healers were checking the guy out, his wings out… And one healed. I rubbed my hand over my chest. I’d done it. I’d fixed at least one and given him hope.
Given a lot of people hope.
“You’ve always been my queen—the queen I’ve always wanted to serve,” he said quietly. “My attraction and need for you aside. You are the queen we have all waited for.”
“That’s too much for me to process right now,” I admitted. “He’s really okay?”
“Yes, and word of your miracle has spread around both realms. People are leaving their names with Guardians in the hope you can possibly heal them at your convenience.” He gave me a sad smile when I looked at him. “There were many more hiding mangled wings than we ever fathomed. Our people have been acting like it’s their shame instead of something that happened.”
“The price of warring,” I whispered. I let out a slow breath. “They’re watching him so he doesn’t hurt himself, right?”