Page 22 of Running Feral

No touching other than to help him move around.

No looking more than you have to.

Nothing that he could misconstrue as flirting or romance.

No pet names.

And don’t fucking kiss him, you idiot.

They seemed simple enough, but they’ve been harder than I’d like to follow. Even if Tobias has continued to be distant with me since we had that fight.

The fight that I still don’t totally understand. Was I really being that much of a dick? It didn’t feel like I was. I want to protect him. It doesn’t mean I think he can’t protect himself. I just… want to.

I want to protect myself as well, before I become even more fixated on someone that I can never let myself get involved with. I have a business to run and a lifetime’s worth of issues to continue mostly avoiding. Tobias can recover from this, and then he still has his whole adult life ahead of him.

The thoughts continue to swirl until it’s so frenetic in my head that I realize I’m clenching my jaw and have to manually make the effort to unclench.

“How you doing, boss? Boy troubles got you down?”

Kasia looks at me with an exaggerated pout, as if I couldn’t already tell she was making fun of me when she called me ‘boss’.

“Your disapproval is scathing, as always.”

Some of the smarminess drains out of her face. “Give me some credit. I don’t disapprove of you helping him. He deserves all the help he can get. You know I’ll barricade that staircase with my own body before I’d let anyone up there to hurt him more than he’s already been hurt. I’m just pointing out that getting overly involved with broken things you promised to stay away from is definitely your calling card.”

I stare at her. I still can’t tell if she wants to tease me or make a serious point here.

Kasia takes a step toward me, lowering her voice so there’s no chance anyone could overhear.

“Seriously. What are you going to do when he decides to go back? Because the chances are, he will. And it will completely break your heart.”

Now that I’m looking more closely, I see the strain around her eyes. She always wears heavy, sort of gothic makeup, so it’s difficult to penetrate down to the real her. Which, I assume, is the point. But once I noticed it, it’s impossible not to see how worn out she looks.

“Are you okay? Because this doesn’t sound like you. You should know better than anyone that it’s possible to get out of a terrible relationship. You never went back. And now look at you.” I wave my hand at the bar. “Queen of all this glory.”

I’m trying to make her laugh, but it falls flat. Instead, she averts her gaze and stares into the distance with dull eyes before sighing.

“Yeah, well, I know better than anyone that just staying away isn’t enough. No matter what, that ex is going to keep finding ways to ruin your life until he finally gets what he wants. We all die in the end.”

The morbid take doesn’t sound like her. I’ve never known anyone who can speak so eloquently on the complexities of domestic violence as Kasia, both from a survivor’s perspective and an academic one. I want her to eventually take the hint and become a social worker or something, once she’s crawled out of the debt her ex left her with and her kids are a little older.

This isn’t her talking.

“What happened? Did he come to the house?”

She shakes her head and takes a step back from me.

“Nothing happened. It’s fine. I’m just feeling morbid.”

I don’t believe her. And I’m also getting to the point where I want to ban the word “fine” from my presence.

But I also know my friend well enough to know that if I push, she’ll only push back.

I watch her for a few seconds. “I’m always here, Kasia. Never forget that. Even if it seems like I have my hands full. Screw it, we can put you, your sister and all your kids up there too and then turn that apartment into a fortress. Maybe put in a drawbridge and install Sav as the guardian who makes you answer riddles before you can cross over.”

It doesn’t get a laugh, but half of her mouth lifts in a smile.

“You’re a moron.”

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