Page 19 of Jackass

“He’s in the common area with the guys.”

“Can you stay here with Charlie?” I asked her, already moving into the hall. I headed for the stairs, knowing she wouldn’t leave Charlie alone. Jogging down the stairs, I ran down the hallway, past the kitchen, and into the bar.

“JACK!” I called. Every brother in the room turned to look at me. “Charlie and I are not staying here overnight.”

Jack stood from his stool and walked over to me.

I stood my ground, crossing my arms over my chest and waited.

“You don’t have to stay here tonight.”

I let out the breath I’d been holding.

I should have known he would be reasonable.

“But my daughter isn’t spending another night without her father. So, you can go ahead home, but Charlie is staying right here.”

“What? You can’t take her away from me. I’m her mother.”

Jack got in my face, and I shrank back when he exploded.

“AND I AM HER FUCKING FATHER!”

Before I knew it, Tank was there, pushing Jack away from me.

“Step back, brother,” he said in a tone that brooked noargument.

Jack stepped up, toe to toe with Tank. “Back off. This is between me and her.”

“Not gonna let you scream in her face.”

“You don’t know what she did.”

Tank shoved Jack further away from me. “Don’t fucking care what she did, brother. Not gonna let you treat her that way.”

I backed myself against the wall.

I hadn’t realized I’d slid down to the floor until I saw Rachel in front of me.

Looking at Rachel, I could see her mouth moving, but I couldn’t hear what she was saying. The buzzing in my ears was so loud. I closed my eyes and tried to steady my racing heart.

It was a panic attack. I began counting the way Carrie taught me. When we first left Arkansas, I had panic attacks every day. Within a few months, she had taught me how to control my anxiety, and the attacks slowed to once a week, then once a month.

Living in Nebraska, I hadn’t had an attack since the first time I saw Jack and learned he lived here. Hearing Jack yell was so unexpected it triggered an attack, and now I was sitting on the floor in the clubhouse counting backwards.

“Seven, six, five, four…”

“Samantha.” I opened my eyes to Rachel’s voice. She sat next to me and now had her arms around my shoulders, holding me tight. “Breathe, Samantha. I’ve got you. You’re safe.”

I didn’t want to do it, but I couldn’t stop it. It seemed I had no control over my body. So, I sat on that floor, in Rachel’s arms, and I sobbed.

For almost five years, all I had was Carrie.

Carrie was wonderful. She gave up everything in her life to go with me. She helped me hide. She helped me with Charlie. She was my best friend and the only person I could lean on.

It felt strange to have someone else. In the last two years, I’d gotten to know the women of the club. They tried to include me in everything they did as a group, but more often than not, Ideclined.

Because no one knew about Charlie.

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