Mia clung to him, their gazes still tethered, and she watched him break a few moments after her. His jaw tightened,his body locked, then a shudder ripped through his big frame as he spilled deep inside her.
She drew his face down to her chest, cradling him against her breast as she pressed her lips against his short, black hair. They held each other for a long time, until their breathing evened out and hearts stopped galloping. Eventually, he pulled out and she missed the feel of him between her legs, seated deep inside her. The oneness that happened when their bodies connected on every level.
It was more than just their bodies, though. Something between them had shifted.
Nik pressed a kiss to her shoulder, rolled off her and headed for the bathroom. He returned with a warm washcloth and gently cleaned between her legs. She wasn’t on birth control and he knew that because she’d mentioned it during their late-night whisperings over vodka-infused cocoa. As she tried to process what exactly that meant, he tossed the washcloth, grabbed pillows off the couch and dragged her closer. Wrapped in his strong arms, she watched the fire’s flames leap and spark.
Was she silly to be imagining a future with him? Drowsy, her eyes fell shut as worry filled her. A man like Nik who went from one adventure to the next might grow bored of her fast. She wasn’t as exciting or worldly as Nadia. No, Mia was a boring good girl.
Would she be enough?
Chapter Twenty-Two
Watching the fire burn, Saint traced a finger up and down Mia’s bare arm, wondering why he couldn’t say the words. They were stuck in his throat like a lump of half-swallowed food.
I love you.
He opened his mouth then promptly closed it when nothing came out.Fuck.He was so damaged after all he’d been through, maybe he wasn’t even capable of such a strong emotion. If he couldn’t even say the words—three little words—how would he be able to give Mia the love she deserved? Doubts plagued him and, once again, he questioned if he would ever be good enough for the amazing woman in his arms.
Goddamn intense feelings tore him apart inside and he struggled to process the maelstrom of emotions making his chest swell and his eyes blur. He scowled. Why was everything suddenly bleary and fuzzy as fuck?
Oh, hell.The answer hit him upside the head when he felt the unmistakable slide of a hot tear down his cheek. Of course, Mia turned to look up at him right at that moment and he ground his teeth together, wanting to sink into the floor and disappear.
“Nik?” She reached up, twisting around in his arms, and wiped the salty anomaly away. “What’s wrong?”
Moment of truth. “I’m not good enough for you, Mia,” he said, voice low and full of uncertainty.
He wished he was, but the honest to God truth was he didn’t deserve her and would never be worthy of the angel in his arms. Holding her, making love to her, claiming her like he did was probably akin to blasphemy.
Of course, he was already destined for hell, so there was that.
“I disagree,” she stated stubbornly.
But, he shook his head. “You don’t want me. I’ve been through too much, done too much. Darkness clings to me and you’re this beautiful white light, Mia. I don’t want to stain you with my sins.”
Pulling away, she sat up and sent him a stern look. “Nikolai Vasilevsky, don’t you dare believe you aren’t good enough. For me or for anyone. You’re the bravest, strongest, most incredible man I’ve ever met. You saved my life and I’ll be forever grateful to you.”
His gaze dropped down to the ink on the back of his hands, a permanent reminder of everything he’d done. Terrible things that would haunt him until the day he died. “I’ve killed people, Mia. Hurt people in unimaginable ways.”
“Tell me why?” she whispered softly, attention moving down to the black symbols tattooed all over the back of his fingers and hands.
“The Bratva demanded it, the Vory expected it, and the FSS and The Agency ordered it. Sometimes I questioned things, other times I didn’t. But I always delivered what was expected of me.”
“What’s the Vory?” Her azure eyes, so full of innocence, glowed in the firelight.
He swallowed hard. He never talked about his past but, in that moment, he made the decision to answer any questions Mia might ask. Tonight, in front of the flames, he would bare his soul in confession to her.
“The Vory are the leaders in Russian prisons. It’s a special status of criminal authority.Vor v zakone.”
“What’s that?”
“Thief in Law. In prison, the thief is the law if you’re a part of the Vory subculture,” he explained. “Petrov wanted allies on the inside and he sent me behind bars, making sure I was welcomed by all the Vory.”
“You went to prison for him?” she asked, voice full of shock.
“Against my will, yes. But the alternative was death. So he set me up to be arrested for crimes committed. I was betrayed by the man I considered my savior, a father figure, and left to rot in the bowels of hell. All so he could gain more power. More control. More wealth.”
“I’m sorry.”